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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Looking after elderly relative...am I a cow?!

74 replies

formerbabe · 24/11/2013 16:35

Hi everyone

This is my first post on MN so please be gentle with me!

Bit of background first...my mum died when I was very young and I was raised by my fabulous dad, who has since died. I feel pretty bitter tbh that I missed out on having a mum and now that my kids have no grandparents on my side

My dad had a sister who never married and has no kids of her own...we weren't very close whilst I was growing up but we get on pretty well now. She is fit and well at the moment but she regularly drops hints about how I will have to be the one who looks after her when she gets older. I have already told my husband that I will refuse to do it when the time comes. I will be happy to help out but I will absolutely refuse to be her carer. I feel that I have missed out on having the best bits of a mum, so why should I just have the difficult bits?!

Am I cow? I would have taken care of both my parents if they were still alive but I feel this is not in my remit.

WWYD? I would love to hear other peoples' opinions

OP posts:

Thymeout · 24/11/2013 17:23

I've been in this position twice. Fortunately, both relatives had had direct experience themselves of caring for an elder and were desperate 'not to be a burden'. They didn't come and live with me, but I did do a fair amount of hands-on caring on my regular visits - enough to realise I could never have done it full-time. I did shopping and cleaning and took over financial affairs, which was time-consuming, but doable. The responsibility was a worry, but I'd have felt bad if I'd shirked it.

I think, next time the subject comes up, you could say, if you feel able, something like, "Don't worry. I promise I'll make sure you get whatever care you need. I'll help you if you want to stay in your own home, or go with you to look at sheltered housing, residential care, whatever you want. And I'll do whatever I can to support you in your decisions." You haven't exactly spelled out the fact that she won't be moving in with you, but it's there, between the lines.

Hopefully, this would make clear to her that she wouldn't be on her own, but equally there's a limit to what she can expect from you.

dustarr73 · 24/11/2013 17:27

My mam looked after everybody,her father and her brother.It was at cost to her own health and my childhood.
When my mam died the other brothers and sisters thought i should look after the uncle.Gave it a trial period,didnt work out and hes now in a home.
I refused to do what my mam did cause my kids comes first.I wouldnt do it,but get something sorted if she mentions it again.

QuintessentialShadows · 24/11/2013 17:27

I was thinking exactly like Imperial, she was not a mum to you, so why should she now expect that you treat her as if she was an elderly parent? You were not even close when you were little and perhaps needed a mum. She only developed her relationship with you as she was older and perhaps anticipated her own care needs.

If I were you, I would distance myself.

FryOneFatManic · 24/11/2013 17:31

Only do this if you feel that you want to, don't just fall in to other people's expectations.

My parents had my maternal grandad, who did end up spending the last 2 years of his life in a care home, because quite frankly by then my parents were ill themselves and couldn't look after him between them.

I am still cross all these years later that my mum's siblings were only too happy to leave it all to her and dad. Oh, they came along now and again to visit, and maybe changed his sheets once a week, but all the rest was down to mum and dad. And when grandad had to go to hospital for something, my parents put their foot down and said he could not come home.

SWs had to find him somewhere to go. And my parents only did this because he had refused to consider leaving when my parents had tried to discuss it with him, and after it had been the third time they had had to call an ambulance in the middle of the night to get help to lift him back into bed after he'd fallen, again. My parents simply couldn't physically help him and he wasn't heavy, they were just ill themselves.

Yet my aunts and uncles tried to guilt trip mum and dad about this initially.

I agree with others that you do need that conversation with your aunt, she does need to be clear on what you are willing to do, or not do.

AmberLeaf · 24/11/2013 17:32

Do we only do this sort of thing for our parents then? or people who have had a parenting role?

WeileWeileWaile · 24/11/2013 17:34

I'm a student nurse and imagine my future will be in Care of the Elderly, as that's what I enjoy most.

I don't think I could ever be a full time carer - it's just relentless. I'm exhausted after 12.5 hours and the stress of never, ever having a break from it would result in untold damage to my mental health.

AmberLeaf · 24/11/2013 17:34

I do think though OP that if you don't want to do this, then don't do it.

If your heart isn't in it then it won't work for anyone.

QuintessentialShadows · 24/11/2013 17:34

I think so Amberleaf, there is no reason why distant relatives should pick out a random young person and just expect them to be their carer in old age, is there?

Fine if your relationship is such that it becomes a natural thing, but not if you are picked out as a carer and just told this is how it should be.

QuintessentialShadows · 24/11/2013 17:35

"I'm a student nurse and imagine my future will be in Care of the Elderly, as that's what I enjoy most."

You will get paid though. It is a career, and you can switch off from it when you go home.

Scarletohello · 24/11/2013 17:37

Just don't do it. I've been looking after my dad who has dementia and is nearly blind for a year and its soul destroying. Just help her plan for it as she sounds anxious about it. Also no one knows how healthy/ incapacitated they will be in old age, my mum who was fine had a severe stroke when she was 77 and is now paralysed, can't speak or swallow food and is in a nursing home. Just lying in bed all day. Hellish but no one could ever have predicted it.

WeileWeileWaile · 24/11/2013 17:38

I am still cross all these years later that my mum's siblings were only too happy to leave it all to her and dad

I would offer to help finance the care of a parent - if that is institutional care or helping to pay for respite care/carers to come in during the day. But, I'd make it quite clear that I won't be physically caring for either of my parents.

I know I sound cold, but that's the truth of it.

AmberLeaf · 24/11/2013 17:38

An aunt is hardly a distant relative.

I would wonder if the comment was said in jest as it isn't something that is actually happening?

WeileWeileWaile · 24/11/2013 17:39

You will get paid though. It is a career, and you can switch off from it when you go home.

I know, Quint, that's why I said I could never be a carer.

Madratlady · 24/11/2013 17:40

You don't have to be her carer, a lot of people don't feel able to provide care for their elderly relatives, but it sounds like you'll be her closest relative? You might be in a position to help her organise carers or a care home, for example, or be able to act as an advocate if she was unable to make her own decisions. I look after several elderly people who have relatives who they aren't close to but who help manage their affairs.

That said you don't have to do that and you shouldn't feel guilty about it if you don't feel able to, it would be a lot to take on.

Beastofburden · 24/11/2013 17:47

It's a funny thing for her to be saying in the first place. It's by no means the default that every elderly person has to find a young 'un to do the deed. This isn't 1920. I bet most of her friends aren't thinking who can they fix on to take this on.

My grandmother took this attitude, when she got shaky she absolutely assumed it was her right to come and live with us, which she did. But my grandmother was born in 1901. Times have changed, we are all used to much more privacy and personal space. My mother is quite clear that she has no intention of living with me. My MIL is currently very shaky and absolutely hated the care homer we tried, so is living at home with a paid companion. She wouldn't want to live with us either.

I second the idea that you talk to her. She might be reassured that you would, for instance, do her tax returns, check her benefits, vet any tradesmen, help her find a suitable retirement village type place- basically act as her guardian and protector. That is a world away from living with her, but it may well be all she needs.

My grandmother moved out after ten years. She got bored, and she moved into a home with lts of old ladies she had been to school with. They had a lovely time p,sting whist all day and going to bed at 6pm, instead of trying to understand teenagers :)

Original poster

formerbabe · 24/11/2013 17:53

Thanks all.
Yes, it definitely is assumed and not just by her but by other relatives and family friends, mainly cos I'm the most helpful out of all the family under 50 years old! Even my husband told me we should buy a house with a granny flat, which we could never afford BTW and also...HELL NO!

OP posts:

greenfolder · 24/11/2013 18:05

clear it up next time it is raised.

you will look out for her- help her choose care if needed, visit and be next of kin.

you will not do anything else.

i love my mum dearly. we are very clear indeed that the above applies.

Beastofburden · 24/11/2013 18:11

Hell, no, indeed. Maybe you should stop being s helpful.

Move somewhere cold, inconvenient and full of stairs.

MammaTJ · 24/11/2013 18:13

To be honest, I have done care work for years and am now training to be a nurse. BUT, I could not care for a relative at home.

In the job, you get to do an incredibly long shift. THEN you get to go home and forget about it. If you care for someone at home, you get to get up with them in the night, then you get deal with them all day too.

I would (nicely) say that is takes a very special person to do that, and you are not that person. BUT you will not abandon her, you will still visit. Hopefully she would be reassured by this.

whatever5 · 24/11/2013 18:22

YANBU. I would just ignore her when/if she drops hints as it may never be an issue. I would help an elderly relative with shopping, lifts to doctors/hospital and maybe a bit of cleaning but no way would I be a full time carer.

dustarr73 · 24/11/2013 18:24

Amberleaf its really hard looking after someone especially when they have other relatives who should help but dont.But then are quick enough to cast blame when something happens.Usually it starts with good intentions but then it gets cut right down to the bare minimum of visits.
You have to want to do it,it is a calling but its very hard to do 24/7

TheDoctrineOfWho · 24/11/2013 18:26

I wouldn't and won't do this for my own parents. Everyone would end up very miserable plus I have a career and children. YANBU.

Beastofburden · 24/11/2013 18:26

Are you from a culture where this is generally the norm, OP? Will that make the conversation more difficult?

Joysmum · 24/11/2013 18:29

One of the most trying times of my marriage was 12 years ago when my MIL had a serious heart attack. She was in Hospital for 4 months and then when she came out it was clear she'd need a stepping stone to get home. Her home wasn't suitable and she cared for her father, her FIL and was a traditional house wise with my FIL not able to do anything. She came to ours and I had to help bath and shower her. She said she'd never be able to go home as she'd end up being a carer again and wouldn't cope. I remember going down into the garage and quietly flipping out. When hubby got home and I told him what she'd said, he said she was right and she'd have to live with us. I lost it. I felt so inadequate as she'd been a carer all her married life yet I could think of nothing worse than giving up my career to care permanently. As it was, I was made redundant in the week she went into hospital as it didn't go down well that I walked out of my job and went to the hospital when I got the call and continued to organise FIL with the 2 granddads, visit MIL in the morning and then come back to take FIL to the hospital and then go back again in the evening to bring him home again if hubby was working late and wouldn't make it.

As it was, she was then rushed back into hospital as she wasn't well, then only had 10% of her heart working and died in hospital 6 weeks later aged only 55. My hubby had by then seen how wrong he was to assume I'd never return to work in order to care for the family but by that time we found out I was pregnant anyway. She said I was upset because of my hormones but it wouldn't have made any difference tbh.

Then things came to a head with my FIL 3 years ago when he was finally officially diagnosed with vascular dementia. I did most of the day to day support and tried to get my hubby and SIL to see much earlier that he needed to be in a home.

I'd love to train as a nurse if I returned to work (I developed property now and haven't been in paid employment since I was made redundant 12 years ago) but couldn't do that 24/7 which those who care from home do.

People who say parenting is the hardest jobs are wrong, being a full time carer is.

ImperialBlether · 24/11/2013 18:30

If it's mentioned several times, it's not intended as a joke.

OP, the next time it's mentioned by anyone, say, "Oh I think X will be a better person to do that" - pick X at random from any other relative the same age. It's preferable if X is in the room.

I think you have your family to care for and that's enough for you. You had a hard start to your life and you shouldn't be considering spending what could be decades caring for someone who made it clear she wasn't there for you then. It's not being selfish. She is the selfish one. She and the others who say it's your role - they are terrified it will be theirs.

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