Gold digger

[balimoon]

My husband of over 20 years said he feels I'm only with him for what he provides me and the family. He says he believes once he is down to zero I would leave. He was my child hood sweetheart I have 2 teenage children I have been a Sahm for 6 years which he encouraged. He got tired of the Uk and decided to relocate to Singapore where I have found employment extremely difficult. I'm distraught and furious with him. He says I have no right to be as he was only expressing his opinion and never used the actual term gold digger. I am actually livid and considering a divorce as I would like to return back to the Uk to start my life again..

I think lots of men feel like this from time to time, in the same way that (usually) women can feel that they're only wanted for all they do around the house.

Is ut a one off or has he given the impression that he thinks he's put upon before?

That must hurt.

How old are your DCs and are they in Singapore with you?

Is he always so nasty?

Yes he is. I was in tears he had the guts to call me a cry baby. 11 and 16 and yes we are all in Singapore

Jesus. Is there any backstory to this? I'm really sorry OP.

Did you have a say in the move?

Does he appreciate all that you bring to the family and the incredible amount you contribute or does he think its all about money?

He's never said it before and I've never been made to feel like one :-(

Bloody hell.

I'm a trailing spouse too and I didn't work for four years when we got here. I couldn't. Child care is so expensive and we had literally no one to help us. It's very hard to get a job out of your own country I think.

I am always telling my dh he wouldn't have the career he has without me holding him up. He got the shock of his life when I got a job and the dc got sick in my first week and he had to take time off.

Nope I had no say in the move

Hehehe great SavoyCabbage you got a job

Have you still got property in the UK?

If you came back to the UK would your old friends still be your friends, if you were divorced and hard up?

Anybody else possibly on the scene? Could it be displaced guilt about his own regrets or actions?

How did things seem before all this came out?

What a kick in the teeth to make decisions together for the good of the whole family, to be a supportive spouse and then to be heavily criticized for doing exactly what was agreed.

I wonder if some new work pressures have come up and he's lashing out at you instead of talking it over?

balimoon, I am really baffled and feel terribly for you. Is it possible that he thinks you've been putting some financial pressure on him lately? Are your discretionary spending habits in line with his?

Your husband sounds like an ass.

We did have property in the UK but it's rented out now. The property was in his name alone..

Could this be about HIS self esteem rather than yours? Could he believe that he's unlovable without 'providing'?

Why does he think this?

A lot of the questions on here have been really helpful and have really got me thinking.

Bloody hell, OP. I'm a trailing spouse as well, and frustratingly can't really work where we are (small children, childcare issues, language skills not really up to the technicalities of the profession I worked in in the UK). But I think my role in making our ex pat lifestyle a success is crucial. What I do is to keep family life running smoothly, keep the children happy and manage their school work and social lives, generally try to minimise the impact of culture shock.

A ex pat placement does often polarise roles and force couples to adopt a 1950s approach to family responsibilities. It certainly has for us. But it's not necessarily a choice on your part to do this, and your DH needs to acknowledge your essential. contribution. You are not (I would assume) just sponging off him, you are contributing equally to your life abroad. And in light of what your DH said to you, I'd be having a fairly frank discussion about your situation.

Oh dear how awful. I'll admit to not always being entirely sympathetic to SAHMs but his behaviour is 100% wrong here.

Is the move to Singapore intended to be long term/ permanent?

Obviously if the worst comes to the worst the house being only his has no relevance to your right to get a fair share of it.

Would it be possible for you to get advice from a solicitor in England?

Do you buy expensive clothes, jewellery etc for yourself?
Lots of beauty treatments?

Presumably it benefits him for you to have clothes of a certain standard.
I don't expect he would be happy if you took up a hippie style, but do you buy loads of unnecessary stuff?

No I don't. Just my cleansers and toners a month

No beauty treatments at all

Oh, that's horrible. My husband is my 'trailing spouse' and currently can't find work (we are in the UK, from another country) and I know he loves me, I love him and that I appreciate everything he is sacrificing and doing for our family, and that he has been amazing in us making the move. Any money of ours is shared money.

If you were taking him for a ride, then fine, but you're not, he's said something deeply upsetting and hurtful to you. Is it possible to have marriage/relationship counselling, if you aren't sure about a divorce (especially if his low self esteem is what caused him to say it)?

He's being mean.

I thought maybe you were frittering his money away, but you're not.

Maybe talk to a solicitor here before you talk to DH.

Best wishes to you.

Balimoon - have a calm chat with him and take no shit. You are 100% in the right here. How dare your husband speak to you like this?