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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gold digger

68 replies

balimoon · 24/11/2013 10:34

My husband of over 20 years said he feels I'm only with him for what he provides me and the family. He says he believes once he is down to zero I would leave. He was my child hood sweetheart I have 2 teenage children I have been a Sahm for 6 years which he encouraged. He got tired of the Uk and decided to relocate to Singapore where I have found employment extremely difficult. I'm distraught and furious with him. He says I have no right to be as he was only expressing his opinion and never used the actual term gold digger. I am actually livid and considering a divorce as I would like to return back to the Uk to start my life again..

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 24/11/2013 13:35

Call his bluff. "Ok darling, lets go back to the UK so I can get a job".

What is all this about being down to zero? Has he lost all the money/ gambled it away? It's possible to go batshit crazy in midlife if you want to.

Beastofburden · 24/11/2013 13:37

As for the house being in his name, meh, who cares. As long as the divorce is under English law, it's a long marriage, the starting point is 50:50 of all assets and pensions, and then the court will think about who needs. Bit more, eg to look after e children.

Chottie · 24/11/2013 13:44

I'm just wondering what is going on with your DP? Has there been a re-organisation or restructure at his work? Is he under more pressure or being sidelined? If this is out of the ordinary behaviour I'm just wondering what has triggered this.

Golddigger · 24/11/2013 13:52

Thought you had started a thread about me there! As you were.

It sounds to me like he is an insecure person. And he is scared that you would actually leave him if he did get down to zero.

Also, does he have job worries about his job?

Awful thing to say though. But it sounds to me like he is worried.

Umpire · 24/11/2013 13:57

gosh, what a shocking thing to say to you. You have two teenage children with him? I thought he was going to be in his sixties and you in your late 20s or something.

The nerve of him! seriously.

Umpire · 24/11/2013 13:59

I agree with pp.

Straight back to the UK, so you can get a job, be on uk soil if you decide to divorce him (and frankly, he doesn't sound like he values you or comprehends that it's a sacrifice to give up your own chance of earning, and having your own pension).

Original poster
balimoon · 24/11/2013 14:01

Thanks Paxtecum

OP posts:
Original poster
balimoon · 24/11/2013 14:06

so true he clearly doesn't value me just took me so long to realise.

OP posts:
BlingBang · 24/11/2013 14:10

Many mens egos through the roof in a place like Singapore. It can be very unsettling, many attractive young women around suddenly paying them loads of attention they would never have got back in the UK.

Nanny0gg · 24/11/2013 14:11

paxtecum

Frittering his money?? So because she is a SAHM (unable to change even if she wanted to), bringing up his children and running his house (as he's kept her off the deeds), she is entitled to spend nothing? All her personal spending (assuming there is any) is unnecessary?
No partnership there then.

There is clearly a problem here that needs calm and careful discussion, but if I were the OP I would be seeking advice to be sure of my ground first.

Golddigger · 24/11/2013 14:14

I sort of get the impression that you are looking for an excuse to leave him or the country or both.

DottyboutDots · 24/11/2013 14:18

Your marriage sounds like it is trouble. You need to work out where you want it to go and then make a plan.

paxtecum · 24/11/2013 14:21

NannyOgg: I didn't mean the question as an insult to the OP.
Yes and it is their money not his money.

I had already said the DH was being mean.

I do know a SAHM who does indeed fritter all the money away on very expensive stuff ALL for herself.

£200 spa days.
She has run up £15k on a credit card without DHs knowledge, which was paid off when they remortgaged.

She booked £6k holidays without consulting him.
Again paid off when they remortgaged.

She demanded a £20k car.
Refused to have anything less.

It does happen that some women are nasty and are gold diggers.

I don't think OP is.
Again, I think her husband is being very mean.

Original poster
balimoon · 24/11/2013 14:26

Chottie i have no idea what's triggered this but i know he mentioned his favourite boss has resigned. He may be worried about the new replacement. Still cannot justify such a painful statement

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/11/2013 14:27

YANBU. He sounds incredibly resentful and as others have suggested, there could be more to this than meets the eye. Creating fake problems in the relationship are often a way for dissatisfied or cheating spouses to start rationalising their decision to end it.

Joysmum · 24/11/2013 14:29

If he's telling the truth and not hitting out of you because there's something else going on then I find it sad that he doesn't feel loved and is expressing his insecurity.

You can carry on being pissed off and putting your annoyance ahead of your love and relationship, of you can prove to him he's wrong. Tbh if you are that pissed off you are considering divorce then it proves he's got point.

Original poster
balimoon · 24/11/2013 14:30

Wow! I would never demand such what lapse gold digger i must have been.

OP posts:
PoopMaster · 24/11/2013 14:33

Just wanted to echo what BlingBang said - I was a teenager in S'pore and saw how it affected so many families, to be living in a bubble like that.

Sounds like he might need a reality check, but failing that if you wanted to move back to the UK to look after your own interests you wouldn't be the first.

Good luck OP

HappyMummyOfOne · 24/11/2013 14:35

Dont adults talk anymore? Surely thats what you do before deciding to leave a spouse over one comment?

Have you asked him why he feels like he does? Its a lot of stress to be the main earner supporting three others and maybe he wants some help or feels taken for granted. Does he work long hours whilst you are free to do as you please?

He's telling you there is a problem so you need to discuss what and how to fix it. Suggesting you pack up and return to the uk sounds like you are simply looking for a get out clause.

RandomMess · 24/11/2013 14:35

Hate to say this but any chance their could be another woman and he's getting his excuses in order to justify some sort of involvement/affair?

Crowler · 24/11/2013 14:35

paxtecum SAHM's are rather a diverse group. Just because you know one who's a big spender, it doesn't follow that all are.

Crowler · 24/11/2013 14:37

If my husband called me a gold digger, I'd be questioning everything. I don't think you can just this "just one comment".

Original poster
balimoon · 24/11/2013 14:41

HappyMummyofone my suggestion to go back to the UK is to enable me get back to work. Im on a dependent pass here its almost impossible to get work. Jobs here go to the locals and i am still job hunting whilst here

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Original poster
balimoon · 24/11/2013 14:44

Is there another woman possibly as he tells me constantly he has many women he want him badly..

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garlictrivia · 24/11/2013 14:53

What the fuck? On top of this, he's always telling you he has other women slaving after him?

I'd call him an arse, but that would be insulting a useful organ.