Gold digger

[balimoon]

My husband of over 20 years said he feels I'm only with him for what he provides me and the family. He says he believes once he is down to zero I would leave. He was my child hood sweetheart I have 2 teenage children I have been a Sahm for 6 years which he encouraged. He got tired of the Uk and decided to relocate to Singapore where I have found employment extremely difficult. I'm distraught and furious with him. He says I have no right to be as he was only expressing his opinion and never used the actual term gold digger. I am actually livid and considering a divorce as I would like to return back to the Uk to start my life again..

Lol my XH used to tell me about all the women queuing up for him.

Oddly, he is still single, and living with his parents. Not a woman in sight, although there's been a few, very brief and dysfunctional relationships

I'd also call his bluff, and ask if he'd rather you all went back to the UK, so you can get a job.

PS: In Singapore it's normal to have domestic staff, even if you're a SAHP. Apprise him of this fact, hire staff, then come home.

If he is also telling you that other women want him badly, on top of the other comments he is made, he is vastly insecure.

And he loves you. He is downright scared that you are going to be leaving him

Do you want to do that anyway though.
I think it is you that wants a reason to be leaving him.

If he asks you to sign anything to 'prove' that you aren't with him for money - DON'T!

You have to consider all possibilities here.

If your family is ordinarily resident in Singapore there's a good chance (but you'd have to consult a lawyer) that you couldn't just leave and return to the UK with your children; Singapore signed up to the Hague Convention a couple of years ago.

First hand experience of Singapore. I worked in a large all male team of expats and all bar one regularly cheated on their wives with local girls. It is scary how normal and easy it is for men to pull with young pretty girls who could be their daughters. Even (or especially) the fat old white men who look like they are probably rich.

The men barely even tried covering their tracks, and our weekly team meetings were basically a bragging session. Business trips to HK, Bangkok, Jakarta etc were all used to behave this way.

There are bars in Sg that are well known for western men being able to pull in under a minute - e.g. Bricks. They don't even bother visiting brothels. They become totally deluded about their desirability and cannot comprehend that the girls might be trying to improve their conditions, help their families, or just be looking for a rich husband. Or somewhere nice to sleep for the night.

Hate to say it OP, but living there your odds aren't great for a loyal DH.

The men only keep their wives around for as long as it suits them, then they are dumped and replaced. Usually shipped back to the UK with the kids who are only allowed back to visit in the hols.

Truly eye opening experience.

That's depressing, Gryff. Unsurprising, but depressing.

It's true that Singapore can be like that. I used to work there (but I wasn't living in an expat area and was working for a local firm as the only European, so I didn't see the worst of it).

There is a type of local women called SPG's (everything in Singapore has a TLA - Three Letter Acronym) - Singapore Party Girls.

They are in the bars, in the restaurants looking for a rich western boyfriend/sugar daddy.

"The men only keep their wives around for as long as it suits them, then they are dumped and replaced. Usually shipped back to the UK with the kids who are only allowed back to visit in the hols. "

Gryff - that's rubbish. I've lived in Singapore and have many friends who have been there long term and strangely they haven't been sent home with the kids. Yes, the men's egos can get massively inflated and they can get carried away with the glam lifestyle. It is easy for them to find attractive young women and I'm sure it's not that uncommon for affairs and one night stands but I doubt it's every man and that they brag so openly about it.

but, it is a possibility for the Op that her husband is resenting having her around reminding him of his true age and responsibilities. I think many men in their 40's and 50's often go through a sort of mid life crisis and a place like Singapore can make it worse.

Gryff, you can't generalize that all Singapore expats are on the prowl.

The east/middle-east expat existence may well awaken the latent predator in inherently predatory men who may never have this kind of "opportunity" in their home countries. The nice guys who would meanwhile look upon this kind of activity as repellent are legion.

Seabright I think you'll find this in any financial capital. Against my better judgement, I recently went to Zuma with a few friends for a 40th. It was absolutely heaving with London (and further afieldl) Party Girls.

Many of my friends also work but you need sought after skills as the locals are well educated and ambitious.

Ok well there's two parts of this for me. From your op it doesn't sound to me like he's calling you a gold digger - it sounds as though he's worried that you'd leave him if he weren't bringing in lots of money, and that he's seeking reassurance from you that this isn't the case.

On the other hand, this...

Is there another woman possibly as he tells me constantly he has many women he want him badly..

Sounds as though; at best he's so insecure that he's trying to convince you what a 'catch' he is, and at worst he's an egotistical dick who's trying to put you down.

How does he treat you the rest of the time?

I agree with Crabby!

The really important thing here is to keep hold of your sense of self-worth. If it wasn't for you giving up everything to move with him so he can pursue his career, he wouldn't have the career he has now.

Just like most bullies, he sounds really insecure.

I can only speak from my experience. I spent a long time working in a totally expat male environment and that is what I saw. It may be that the culture of my firm engendered that behavious amongst my colleagues, but genuinely I just think the men became deluded and spoiled.

Like I say, all but one of those men were cheating on their wives with SPGs, and I suspect that one exception may be different now that they are no longer newlyweds.

The rule goes that the majority of men would cheat if they have the following:

A) Opportunity; and
B) Enough comfort that they will not be caught.

I think that the culture of expat bubbles like Singapore provide plenty of both for the average western man who would usually be overlooked in his home country. I could go on and on about the things I saw/heard to prove this point, but it is both depressing and identifiable.

agree with PPs, really important to value yourself. If he doesn't value you then to hell with what he thinks,and don't waste the rest of your life proving you're not {insert as applicable}. Value yourself. Prioritise YOUR well-being. Concentrate on meeting your needs. I would move back to the UK. Say "see ya! good luck with the SPGs"

Wow. If he's under the impression that YOU think he's a walking wallet does he honestly think that the ton of young girls who are after him are lusting after his middle aged awesomeness, incredible wit and sparkling personality?

(He may be incredibly witty and charismatic, but I bet that's not what his admirers are admiring...)