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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Question on behalf of DS1 - Who is BU?

70 replies

HarrietSchulenberg · 23/11/2013 22:02

DS1 (aged 13 and 3 weeks) knows that if he is out he needs to be back by the time it gets dark. This is not negotiable and he knows it. Last weekend he missed his curfew and was grounded for 7 days. Today I lifted his grounding 2 days early as he had been exceptionally well behaved and very helpful during the week.

This afternoon he went out with his friends. He was not home before dark, in fact he did not get home until a good 40 minutes after it was dark. His Dad and I both tried to ring him but he switched both of us to Voicemail. H was at home but I wasn't, and Ds1 knew this. We both sent him texts to ask where he was, and mine included the information that, as he was late again, he was grounded for 2 weeks. He replied to H that he was "across the road" and to me "I'm at (Friend)'s house though". He arrived home about 10 minutes after the texts were sent, by which time I was back so H and I were both in together, and he launched into a tirade about how I was being unreasonable to ground him again as a) he was "only at (Friend)'s house" and b) it is perfectly OK to walk around in the dark as he knows our town well and knows it's safe .

I say the 2 week grounding stands as a) he knows the rule and he decided to break it by staying out after dark, b) "across the road" could mean quite a big area, especially in teenager-speak, c) his Dad doesn't know where "(Friend)'s house" is and Ds1 knows that, d) it is not safe for a 13 year old boy to walk around on his own in the dark, especially when wearing all black clothing and an attitude.

Ds1 thinks I am being unduly harsh and launched a screamy protest in the style of a toddler, stamping upstairs and bellowing a la Horrid Henry. Apparently I am the only parent in the world who would insist on being in before dark and grounding him for what is "merely" a second offence.

I have decided to throw it open to the Court of Mumsnet to determine who is being unreasonable here.

OP posts:

Annunziata · 23/11/2013 22:04

DS1.

PeazlyPops · 23/11/2013 22:06

YABU for wanting him home before it gets dark!

He is BU for breaking his curfew.

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2013 22:06

Whilst he shouldn't be disobedient, I wonder what this fear of the dark is all about?

It's pitch black at 5pm, are you really saying a 13yr old has to be in that early every day?

Perhaps he feels embarrassed to tell his friends about this, and is making awkward excuses to them?

MommyBird · 23/11/2013 22:07

2 weeks is fine.
He broke your rules, he needs to respect that, stick to it this time and I bet he won't miss his curfew again.

WhoNickedMyName · 23/11/2013 22:07

I personally don't agree with the 'before dark' thing. But that's the rule you have in place, he knows it, he broke it so he is BU.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/11/2013 22:07

DS1.

And what you should point out to him is that by turning his phone off and refusing to communicate like a grown up he is demonstrating loud and clear that the rule is necessary.

IamInvisible · 23/11/2013 22:07

You are. He is 13, not 6!

It gets dark before 5pm. If he went to secondary school here, he'd be walking home from the bus stop in the dark.

What do you think will happen to him once it gets dark?

NoisyDay · 23/11/2013 22:08

You are right to continue with the grounding,however I think you need to review the "before dark" stance. It is dark at really early these days and so long as he isn't roaming the streets and just at a friends it might be sensible to let him out later.

Smartiepants79 · 23/11/2013 22:09

He knew the rules, he broke them.
However, at this time of year the rule means he is expected to be home very early. What if he had phoned, told you where he was and agreed a time to be home?

LunaticFringe · 23/11/2013 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WooWooOwl · 23/11/2013 22:09

In our house, the 13yo would be required to let us know if he was going to be at a friends house after it got dark. It's his responsibility to call or text and let us know what he wants to do if it involves anything other than the agreed time of being home, and we will decide whether he gets to do that or not.

The lack of asking if it was ok to stay out, and not answering the phone to us straight away would be what earned the grounding.

Preciousbane · 23/11/2013 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PandaG · 23/11/2013 22:10

my DS is nearly 14, but has certainly been allowed out after dark for at least a couple of years - walking to scouts or youth group for example. Tonight he took bus and tram across the city to the cinema to meet mates to see Dr Who. I had no problem with him doing this at 6 in the dark. He did get a lift home though at 9.

Even my 11 yo daughter is allowed to walk to her youth group on her own (5 min walk) at 6.30 which is dark in the winter. So I think you are significantly more strict than me - maybe if he can earn back your trust you could renegotiate this?

that said, if your rule is home by dark, then DS should abide by that - your house, your rules.

Charmingbaker · 23/11/2013 22:11

Not sure - He should follow the rules, but I think
It would be easier if you gave him a specific time, it gets dark very quickly and if he's inside he won't notice straight away. Personally I think a 13yo should have enough common sense to get home in the dark and at that age had a rule back for dinner (around 6).

gobbledegook1 · 23/11/2013 22:11

You both are.

Hassled · 23/11/2013 22:12

I think you're both unreasonable. He was taking the mickey and should have done what he was told, and yes, there should be consequences.

But you need to rethink the whole dark thing. The sun sets at a different time each day - can you really expect a 13 year old to register that? Do you have some sort of "today the sun will set at 4.10pm" app on his phone? So - get him some flourescent strips for his coat, come up with some sort of geographical boundary past which he shouldn't stray, insist on regular texts etc - but you have to relax a bit about the darkness.

waltermittymissus · 23/11/2013 22:12

Before dark? So 5?!

He's being U because he broke your rules but still, before dark??

TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 23/11/2013 22:16

Both of you.

Your rule is unreasonable for a child of that age. I assume you don't let him stay out till midnight in the summer?

A time to be back home is far better than going by the sun.

He is unreasonable for breaking a rule, however unreasonable, and for not ensuring that you know where he is, and for ignoring calls because that is not the way to demonstrate to your parents that you are mature enough to be trusted with a later curfew.

Arguing with parents does not get you what you want, son of Harriet. You do that by proving to them that you are reasonable and responsible.

17leftfeet · 23/11/2013 22:17

The grounding stands as he broke the rules but I would renegotiate home time when he's allowed out again

EllaFitzgerald · 23/11/2013 22:17

You both are. He's BU for not being home when you've told him to, and you're being unreasonable to expect a 13 year old to be home when it gets dark before 5.

I think I'd want to make sure he understood that he was being grounded not just for coming home late, but for ignoring your calls. And then maybe decide whether the curfew could be relaxed a bit. He's a teenager, he's going to rebel, especially if his friends have more freedom than he does.

bundaberg · 23/11/2013 22:19

DS1 is totally bu!

YouTheCat · 23/11/2013 22:19

Both of you.

Your curfew rules are bizarre for a 13 year old. It's dark by 4.

He needs to tell you where he is and learn to negotiate by being reasonable.

YouTheCat · 23/11/2013 22:20

And 2 weeks is way too harsh.

ImperialBlether · 23/11/2013 22:21

You are being completely unreasonable expecting a 13 year old boy to be home before 5pm in the winter. That is just ridiculous.

Yes, he reacted badly but I think all of us have done that when we've felt someone's being really unreasonable.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to know where he is. It's not unreasonable to expect him to avoid fields and country paths on his own in the dark. But are you really saying he can't be at a friend's house after 5pm in the winter?

He is lying to you because you are being unreasonable. Change your stance and tell him he has to change his, too.

AgentZigzag · 23/11/2013 22:24

DS1 is BU.

If he wants to go out he has to stick by the rules.

If he's not happy with the rules, the time to negotiate/say what he thinks isn't when you're telling him to come home.

He was bloody cheeky switching his phone off, and trying to brush off where he was as unimportant. (Whether it's OK for him to walk around in the dark is for you to sort with him, there are ways of him doing it and you feeling alright that he's safe)

Of course he's BU to tantrum, but I'm sure that's not the last you'll see of that one

But, IMO YABU to ground him for two weeks.

Far, far too long.

How is he going to learn how to behave and you build up trust with him when he's out if he's not going out? There must be better ways to teach him this.

I used to be grounded for similar lengths of time and (I know it's not important to adults looking on) I used to really lose the connection with the people I hung around with.

I'm pretty flexible about the times DD1 comes back, but not answering me when I text/call or not coming back when I tell her to is the absolute bottom line. She's never broken it yet.

Is that something you could try? Instead of telling him a definite time he has to be back, call/text him when you think it's time for him to come home?

He's going to push the boundaries of course, but there has to be, surely are ways round it so you're both happy with it.

(Plus, do you really want him moping about the house for two. long. weeks??)

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