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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Question on behalf of DS1 - Who is BU?

70 replies

HarrietSchulenberg · 23/11/2013 22:02

DS1 (aged 13 and 3 weeks) knows that if he is out he needs to be back by the time it gets dark. This is not negotiable and he knows it. Last weekend he missed his curfew and was grounded for 7 days. Today I lifted his grounding 2 days early as he had been exceptionally well behaved and very helpful during the week.

This afternoon he went out with his friends. He was not home before dark, in fact he did not get home until a good 40 minutes after it was dark. His Dad and I both tried to ring him but he switched both of us to Voicemail. H was at home but I wasn't, and Ds1 knew this. We both sent him texts to ask where he was, and mine included the information that, as he was late again, he was grounded for 2 weeks. He replied to H that he was "across the road" and to me "I'm at (Friend)'s house though". He arrived home about 10 minutes after the texts were sent, by which time I was back so H and I were both in together, and he launched into a tirade about how I was being unreasonable to ground him again as a) he was "only at (Friend)'s house" and b) it is perfectly OK to walk around in the dark as he knows our town well and knows it's safe .

I say the 2 week grounding stands as a) he knows the rule and he decided to break it by staying out after dark, b) "across the road" could mean quite a big area, especially in teenager-speak, c) his Dad doesn't know where "(Friend)'s house" is and Ds1 knows that, d) it is not safe for a 13 year old boy to walk around on his own in the dark, especially when wearing all black clothing and an attitude.

Ds1 thinks I am being unduly harsh and launched a screamy protest in the style of a toddler, stamping upstairs and bellowing a la Horrid Henry. Apparently I am the only parent in the world who would insist on being in before dark and grounding him for what is "merely" a second offence.

I have decided to throw it open to the Court of Mumsnet to determine who is being unreasonable here.

OP posts:

sapfu · 23/11/2013 22:27

I have no idea of the area you live in, so I can't comment on how unreasonable it might be to want a 13 year old back home by the time it's dark - though I think a set time, rather than 'when it's dark' might make things clearer for both of you.

But if that's the rule, that's the rule. DS1 is being unreasonable. The time to challenge the rules and request a change is not when you have just broken them.

EXTERMINATEpeppa · 23/11/2013 22:28

before dark?!
thats like 5pm
bit harsh.

hes BU with his reaction but think you need to lighten up.

Original poster

HarrietSchulenberg · 23/11/2013 22:29

Thanks for these, folks. Perhaps I am being U with the "before dark" thing but I think he's very vulnerable to the local meatheads, of which there are many, because of his choice of dress. He's a metal music fan and dresses in gothy black clothes, which has occasionally attracted unwanted attention from the tracksuit brigade in the form of namecalling but nothing physical.

I think we need to do a bit of renegotiating, me with his timings and him with his phone-answering.

Thanks folks [smile}.

OP posts:

NoComet · 23/11/2013 22:31

YABothBU
Your curfew is too early and too vague.

He shouldn't argue and stamp his feet, but he's 13 and if he thinks you are being unreasonable, nothing is going to change his mind.

Grounding him for two weeks, will certainly be 12 days over what he reckons is a reasonable punishment.

He will now forget why he's in trouble and spend 14 days texting his mates about what miserable old farts his parents are. He probably won't be that polite!

Honestly 7 days was a massive over reaction, 14 is ridiculous.

I have a almost 13 yo DD and you get five minutes tops to make your point, when she is in a receptive mood. That's it. No point in any kind of prolonged punishment, because she's right and your wrong.

Read how to talk so teens will listen, it has a wonderful advice in just this sort of thing.

You need to negotiate with your DS a verges that's plausible to keep and rules about answering texts.

However, you don't stand a chance having grounded him for so long, your name will be truly mud.

NoComet · 23/11/2013 22:33

Curfew that's plausible to keep

optimusic · 23/11/2013 22:41

14 days for a ridiculous curfew. Wow. Good luck in future years when the hormones really kick in. He needs trust. You are not giving him it.

ImperialBlether · 23/11/2013 23:31

My son was a black hoodie wearing goth. He found that by always acknowledging other boys in the school/on the street with a nod or "Ok?" then he never had problems with them. Those who scuttled by trying not to be noticed had a lot more trouble.

Tikkamasala · 24/11/2013 00:06

Yabvu on the curfew. Your ds is being a bit u as he knows he's breaking your rules (even though I do think the rule is ridiculous, honestly)

It is way too early and also too vague. I would not know exactly what time it is going to get dark and if I was inside and busy with a friend etc I might not be constantly lookin outside to check, whereas an actual time is easier to keep in mind. Also around 5 pm is crazily early to expect a teenager to have to be home. As others said, he may need to be out and about for things like after school activities at that time.

I also think the worry about "local meatheads" is a bit as you can't just get him to hide him away because he dresses like a goth. He should be able to go out even if you think his clothes somehow make him a target.

Tikkamasala · 24/11/2013 00:07

Also agree with those who said 2 weeks ground is way too harsh

Daykin · 24/11/2013 00:18

Yabu to have such an early and vague curfew.

KeepingUpWithTheJonses · 24/11/2013 00:22

Agree that the 'before dark' curfew is far too vague! Give him a time.

I would also say that 2 weeks grounding for being ten minutes late is quite harsh!

BillyBanter · 24/11/2013 00:24

If you are going to set a curfew set a time, even if it changes from week to week, rather than 'before dark'. Also his clothes will be less noticeable in the dark. yes.

Another to the chorus of two weeks is too long, too.

AgentProvocateur · 24/11/2013 00:41

You both are, but it's dark at 4.30 here, and your DS is 13, so overall YABmoreU.

kslatts · 24/11/2013 00:41

He was being unreasonable breaking the rules, but before dark does seems a bit unreasonable at this time of year.

I agree that a time would be better, it seems a bit unfair that he is now older than he was 3 months ago but now has to be in earlier.

Monty27 · 24/11/2013 00:49

Hmm he was disobedient and turning phone to voicemail is a no no.

However, I do think before dark is unreasonable, its more or less dark here by 4.30pm

Had he asked permission and said he was just across the street things would have been totally different. so you need to reset the rules, he is after all a teenager. I get what you mean about the goths being targetted so I understand your angst.

Good luck!!

beansbeansgoodfortheheart · 24/11/2013 01:01

YABU.

What do you think the 'meatheads' do after dark - turn into Warewolves and attack the goths?

Your son sounds like a good kid. You need to chill out.

Monty27 · 24/11/2013 01:04

What are meatheads?

Kaygunner · 24/11/2013 02:15

Does this mean in the summer he can stay out too roughly 10/11pm as still not dark?
You are being unreasonable.
He was bu by putting calls to voicemail but maybe he was in the middle of a game or something, distracted didn't realise it was getting dark, at least with a time he can set an alarm on his phone and has no reason to be last.
Also you can't say well I worry because he wears gothy clothes etc you are using it as a silly excuse. When I was growing up I was a goth, only goth on a really bad estate but never done me any harm just because I dressed differently.

Twattyzombiebollocks · 24/11/2013 06:55

Yanbu. He's grounded for missing curfew but the day you lift the grounding he does it again? He's clearly not learned his lesson then has he so 2 weeks this time.
What I do think you need to do is to renegotiate the curfew though, fine for him not to be out on the streets after dark in the circumstances you say, how about he has to let you know whose house he is at and what time he is coming home, or he rings you to let you know when he's setting off home. That way you know where he is and who he's with but he gets a bit more freedom, and also learns the adult and responsible way of behaving which is to let people know where you are and what time you will be home

notnagging · 24/11/2013 07:21

Do in summer he's allowed home at around 8/9 & winter before 5?!
You can see his point.
BUT he turned his phone off, was rude to you & disobeyed your rules? That would be a grounding but some negotiation needs to happen.

trinity0097 · 24/11/2013 07:22

The kids at my school don't finish school until 5.30pm, pitch black then - unreasonable to have a curfew dependent on light, does that mean that he can stay out to about 10.30pm in June?

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 24/11/2013 07:25

Gosh in winter I couldnt even get home from.school before dark. YABU.

Home for 8, dont be late, if you are I will berate.

BellaVita · 24/11/2013 07:39

Yabvu for asking him to be home before dark, c'mon he is 13.

He is bu for breaking the curfew.

Your groundings are too long. One night yes, but seven?

You need to come up with some different rules.

We had a bit of trouble with DS2 earlier in the year with timings of coming in etc and we came up with that we would agree between us a time for him to come home so he had some input and felt a bit more in control but we would txt him 15 mins before the due time to remind him he had to be home - worked a treat.

Yabu with meatheads and track suit brigade too.

OhMerGerd · 24/11/2013 08:04

As others have said its the switching phone off tantrum stuff that you need to focus on with DS and be careful you dont project your anxiety/insecurity about the after dark/goth clothing thing onto him.
I have DDs we live in an area with limited public transport, long distances between near town where most friends live and village little street lighting .... 16 yo texts as she moves around. So we know if she's at friends, at coffe shop, walking, on the train/bus if its delayed, she's getting a lift, who's giving her lift, how far she is from home. It's not a running c

OhMerGerd · 24/11/2013 08:09

Posted too soon...

It's not a running commentary just hey I'm here ... In case you need me or mostly in case you are passing by ( in your dressing gown and slippers ) and fancy giving me a lift ! Lol.

You just need to agree a system of communication that works for your family and set a time. 7 or 8 on not school nights seems reasonable for a 13 yo, we always said outside of the time thing when round at friends if the other persons family starts setting up for dinner it's your cue to say bye.

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