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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you to help my sister and I plan an epic proposal to her DP?

113 replies

ExcitedEmmy · 22/11/2013 15:09

My sister and her DP have been together for 6 years. He has two daughters aged 7 and 8 and she has a 7 year son plus they have a three year old son and one year old daughter together. They have loads of contact with his children and are sickeningly happy, to be honest. They have spoken about marriage and agree its going to be in their future but her DP is shy about proposing in front of anyone. However, he does like positive attention - just not instigating it (if that makes any sense.) My Dsis wants to plan a surprise proposal. For those of you who hate these things, please stop reading now rather than wasting your time commenting negatively.

Some ideas she/we have had are:

Planning a family photoshoot and having the children hold props reading out 'will you marry me?' Which he doesn't see until the photo

Her hiring a screen at the local cinema - it's really small and so inexpensive. She takes him out for a date (they never go out but have been meaning to for ages) and then the film is interrupted by a photo slide show with music and captions of their lives together so far. At the end it says:'will you marry me?' And when the lights go up it turns out their family/friends/kids have sneaked in and they then have an engagement party.

Opinions on these ideas and any other ideas would be Great please. I know not many women propose and some people don't agree with it, but thought I might get some great ideas here.

OP posts:

BlingBang · 23/11/2013 09:42

Tbh, I always think serves you bloody right when these things go wrong.

Writerwannabe83 · 23/11/2013 09:53

I'm with you sirchenjin - there must be a reason why, if he actually wanted to marry your sister, he hasn't proposed to her. I think your sister needs to have a little think about this and make sure she knows 100% for absolute definite that he does want marriage. Ok, he tells her that he sees marriage in their future but actions speak a lot louder than words and 6 years is a long time to be together and not have proposed if that's what he actually wants. In my eyes, If a man wants to marry his partner, he will ask her.

BillyBanter · 23/11/2013 10:01

While I'm all for people doing it whatever way they choose, even if it's not what I'd like I am inclined to agree with BlingBang

''Tbh, I always think serves you bloody right when these things go wrong.''

MrsGeorgeMichael · 23/11/2013 10:13

ahhh just went and googled what "justin and nikki" are up to

the cynic in me reckoned they were divorced lol

they seem more in love and are expecting their 1st baby :)

see, that's why mumsnet is a bad idea - i've just spent an hour watching youtube and stalking strangers :)

Original poster

ExcitedEmmy · 23/11/2013 12:20

Surely with regard to the 'they've been together for 6 years, surely he'd have asked her by now if he wanted to?' comment it goes both ways. Maybe he's thinking that about her too, it is possible for women to propose nowadays you know. If they both just sit there thinking 'if they wanted to they'd ask me' then they'll never get anywhere. They took the first few years slowly due to the young age of the children, they moved in together 4 years ago and so it isn't that long a time to be waiting to get engaged in my opinion.

She wouldn't be paying for advertising space. She would be hiring a whole screen of the local cinema so they'd have exclusive use of it. It's a small independent cinema and not that expensive.

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 23/11/2013 12:29

It is possible (although still not the 'traditional' thing) - but then according to the OP he "talks about wanting to be engaged/married often, dsis has rarely bought it up" - so why not just say "will you marry me"? Hardly difficult. They've managed to have 2 children in that time together - so obviously capable of talking about bringing 2 existing families together, and having 2 further children - but one of them hasn't been able to say "when will we get married", despite the fact that he often talks about wanting to.

Writerwannabe83 · 23/11/2013 12:32

Yes women do sometimes propose but very, very rarely I imagine. In general everyone knows it is the men who propose, it is just seen as the 'done thing' I doubt many men sit around and think that if their girlfriend wanted to get married then she'd do the asking - the men know that most women want to get married and that the proposal is their job I had always imagined the women who propose do it because they worry they'll never get their wedding unless they do. Chandler and Monica in Friends springs to mind, lol

But like I said, we are just strangers on the internet who don't know the dynamics of their relationship so can't give any valid opinions really. Is there any reason why your sister particularly wants to do it with so many people around? Just curious....

BlingBang · 23/11/2013 12:35

Maybe so that he won't say no?

Original poster

ExcitedEmmy · 23/11/2013 12:47

Ok so take the family and friends out of the plan. Say the family congregate at the party which can be billed as dsis dps surprise birthday party. Dsis and dp are alone at the cinema. Do you prefer that?

She is by no means desperate to get married. It would be a long engagement, she just wants to do something nice for him and do it in a memorable way in which the children feel involved.

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 23/11/2013 12:55

Well I find long engagements completely pointless. It's just another way of trying to prove there is a commitment but not actually doing anything. Engagement is just a word, not an action. Why bother getting engaged to then do nothing about it? I appreciate that everyone's views on this are different though. A proposal is a huge thing, not something to be done just because 'she wants to do something nice for him.' If I want to do something nice for my husband I cook him his favourite meal and buy him a new CD

This isn't about what we would prefer though and I know some of our responses are probably coming across as negative but that's the dark side of AIBU I guess

Tell your sister to go as crazy as she's wants to, she knows what is right for her and her partner and like I said, I genuinely hope it turns out to be a lovely proposal and that he says yes and they have a great celebration.
By the way, I loved the idea of filming the children talking about why they loved their mommy and daddy and why they worked so well together as a couple etc, that would have me in absolute tears!! Although I'm not one for big public proposals, just picturing that pulls on my heart strings! I think it would be just that little bit more special if it was just them and their children there as opposed to every family member just wanting a piece of the action. I do think you should have a seat though seeing as you helped organise it and someone needs to keep the children under control

BlingBang · 23/11/2013 13:04

So she's going to go to all that trouble and spend money on a proposal for long engagement that might go nowhere. What's the point? Why not get engaged and then just get married. Don't like public proposals and can't see the point in long engagements - Bah humbug, I'll go suck a lemon - auld meanie that I am!

Writerwannabe83 · 23/11/2013 13:06

Ps) when I say long engagements I meant people who get engaged but then don't set a date. I understand that people have to save for weddings endings why they are engaged for a long time but at least most people set a date to prove they are committed to it. I just wanted to clear that up as I didn't want you to think I was accusing your sister of doing something pointless unless she was planning on getting married straight away. I was just randomly thinking out loud and wasn't commenting personally on your sister's situation

Original poster

ExcitedEmmy · 23/11/2013 13:15

They would set a date but they'd need to save and they want all the children to be old enough to play a part/remember it.

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 23/11/2013 13:23

My auntie got married after her child was born, I think she was about 5 when the wedding took place, and it was really lovely having her in all the photos in her beautiful dress When I got married I wanted my niece and new phew (aged 5 and 7) to be involved with the wedding, be a little Bridesmaid and Page Boy etc but my sister said she didn't want them there at all

When is she planning on proposing?? You will have to come back and let us know how it went and what exact plans you went with

Original poster

ExcitedEmmy · 23/11/2013 13:27

Why didn't she want your niece and nephew there? How peculiar.

She's thinking of January

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 23/11/2013 13:34

She wanted to be able to just enjoy the day, have a few drinks, stay up dancing until as late as shrew ante de to without always having to wonder what the children were up to. She said that she can never fully relax when the children are about as obviously she has to look after them as opposed to just focusing on herself. I was a little disappointed but I could also see her point and at the end of the day it was important to me that she was able to enjoy herself. It wasn't very often she got time away from the children

January isn't too far away - how exciting. I'm a sucker for romantic stories

Original poster

ExcitedEmmy · 23/11/2013 13:39

Hmm I guess I see her point in a way but it would've been nice if they could've been involved in the day then babysat in the evening.

Will report back

OP posts:

Poppylovescheese · 23/11/2013 16:04

I also thought that Finance!

Rudolfiscomingnorth · 23/11/2013 16:31

Why not go the whole hog and do a surprise wedding then would surly cost about the same if she's already having a party and instead of the cinema have a registry office booked?

SirChenjin · 23/11/2013 17:19

That's what I would do Rudolf. Do the surprise proposal, then off to the registry office with all the relatives waiting, followed by a party

squoosh · 23/11/2013 17:21

Talk about a fait accompli!

I love you. Will you marry me. Here's your coat. Put it on. We're getting married in half an hour. I do. Please sign here. Vol au vent?

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 23/11/2013 17:23

If you do the vidoe thing....film each kid saying a word from

"will you marry my mummy?" at the end

Writerwannabe83 · 23/11/2013 17:23

Brilliant idea!!!! You've set the scene perfectly there squoosh

SirChenjin · 23/11/2013 17:32

Agree Squoosh - no messing about. Propose, do the deed (given that he really wants to get married there shouldn't be any complaints), big family party, vol au vent (and who doesn't like a vol au vent, let's face it), done.

Excellent idea. OP - there is the answer to your DSis's dilemma. Proposal AND wedding in one day, doesn't get more epic than that

Lavenderhoney · 23/11/2013 18:47

Its a more extreme version of " get your coat, you've pulled:)"

Personally I would run for miles, but then my bf, in the lounge of a super smart hotel, once knelt down on valentines night to pick up his glasses which he dropped, and I looked horrified, I loved the idea of marrying him but a public proposal!!!! the maître d noticed my horror and rushed over with chair which he shoved under bf bum to make him sit down, and he was scandalised as he was only getting his specs:)

Still, done and dusted, love the input idea from the dc:)

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