to think children don't really care about 'work ethics' and would prefer to have a SAHP?

[Mingnion]

Well aware I'm probably going to get mightily flamed for this but here goes...

I have a 6.5 year old and an 18 month old. My husband that supported us sadly died last year and I plan to stay at home and on benefits until my youngest is at school. I have a degree from Cambridge and will put in what I take out a hundred times over in the future no doubt. We do not have a lavish lifestyle but my children are adequately fed, dressed and are very happy which is more important IMO. Six months ago I found a part-time job and the impact on my children was massive. They were miserable at having to go to nursery and after school clubs and I was miserable as I missed them. Now they are inexplicably happy. I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics but realistically, do you really think children will care? I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP and in retrospect I'd have preferred my mum to have been home so her work ethics obviously didn't rub off on me. AIBU to think this way and plan to stay at home with my children until my youngest is school age?

And whatever you decide to do please don't hold it over your children when they are grown up, i.e. "I gave up so much for you, now you have to do X,Y, Z for me".

Whatever you decide remember it is your choice and not theirs, however much you might think they want what you have decided.

Good luck to all Mums because all the choices are hard!

The thing is OP plenty of people are saying just that....that they are grown up and they DO wish their mum had gone out to work because she was bored, frustrated and resentful. You clearly are not, you are happy with your choice and your children will pick up on that. There's also plenty of middle ground. Not everyone works 5 days a week (not saying that is wrong) and long hours. Many people do part time work that fits in really well around their children.

"I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics"

I don't understand how the word single is relevant in that sentence, and I also doubt most parents (single or otherwise), work to teach their children about work ethics.

Most people work to pay the bills, and/or because they enjoy it and get other things out of it like mental stimulation, companionship, personal development and sense of achievement, etc etc etc

If you prefer not to work and can afford not to, fine.

If you need to work but can't because you can't find a job, or for health reasons or similar, so have no choice but to rely on the state for your income, fine.

If you can work, but just prefer not to, can't afford that choice and then make it anyway expecting the state to pick up the tab, that doesn't sit well with me. I just can't picture myself even considering that as an option tbh.

If your children were miserable at nursery/after school club for the part time hours you were working, any reason you couldn't explore alternative childcare options?

Sorry, I meant that it is good that you are happy and your kids will benefit form seeing you happy....hope that came across!

Well I think my DCs might grow up and think I am glad mum went to work so we have an actual roof over our heads and we can put the heating on

I've been unemployed, on benefits for 3 months. It was miserable. Everyone was miserable. I couldn't afford to pay for the boys football, DDs drama classes, any thing other than the absolute basics. So no, I don't think anyone would have been happier going to the park in the winter and I couldn't afford to take 3 of them swimming or bake bloody cakes.

And I worked incredibly hard to get to the position I am in my career. And my personal choice is to demonstrate to all of my children that you don't have to give up a job you worked hard for as soon as you have a child.

Their feelings are obviously important but I am did not cease to exist as an actual person when I gave birth.

Do I think they would have preferred a miserable parent at home with no money? Not really.

Op, genuine question, are you willing to take anyone else's pointz on board? Or are you so adamant you're right you're only going to come on this thread to pick holes in things people who disagree with you have said?

My children probably want their grandparents to come and live with us. I think if they did my dc would be happier. Do I therefore have to makd it happen?

I struggle to see how a grown-up DC would look back and think: 'I really wish my parent(s) (assuming they want to stay home) would have worked instead of staying home with me.'

a friend since childhood with a SAHM has always wished her mother WOH.

so you see, its just you not being able to consider other people's different view. not a universal truth.

ProfPlumSpeaking - DH was only 25, he didn't have life insurance and we live in a rented house as we were planning on relocating abroad for his career.

SantiagoToots - 'YABU to think that children require an on-site parent more than they require food on the table' - I did not say that I believe that to be the case. In many circumstances it is not an either/or and in those cases I do believe that if children have a parent who wants to be home with them, then they'd prefer that option.

I agree that children who have always been in childcare cope better than those who haven't, but also think that the quality of childcare is important. DD went to a nursery school between 3-4 and had never been looked after by anyone other than me before but thrived because it was a fantastic setting. When I worked part-time (both before and after DH died) and she tried a few settings, she hated them and was miserable and resentful for being there.

Anniegetyourgun - 'Not everybody fails to have a Cambridge degree because they can't be arsed to put the study time in, you know' - assuming there are no SEN, well then I disagree. I was thrown out of home at 15 and lived homeless on and off until I was 18 and managed to get a full-time job to survive through my A-Levels. I'm not a smug person, but I think I have a right to feel proud of my acheivement here as it is absolutely because I put the study time in - without any help or encouragement from anyone - that I was able to achieve a degree from Cambridge.

Motherinferior - why do you wish your mother had worked?

Because she was miserable. She was lonely. She was unfulfilled. And although she would say it was her free choice, she was stuck at home while my father built up an interesting career. And I very much got the impression that was what happened when you had children.

Lilacroses - 'The thing is OP plenty of people are saying just that....that they are grown up and they DO wish their mum had gone out to work because she was bored, frustrated and resentful' - but I'm not talking about mums/parents who didn't want to be home, I'm talking about parents that do want to be home but think that would provide their child(ren) with a poor example.

TantrumsAndBalloons - 'I've been unemployed, on benefits for 3 months. It was miserable. Everyone was miserable. I couldn't afford to pay for the boys football, DDs drama classes, any thing other than the absolute basics. So no, I don't think anyone would have been happier going to the park in the winter and I couldn't afford to take 3 of them swimming or bake bloody cakes' - You say I presume that all children in childcare are miserable, but yet you presume that all people on benefits are poor and miserable. Like I admitted earlier, we do not have a lavish lifestyle but we are happy. My DD does extra-curricular activities, my toddler and I go to groups in the daytime for fun and to save money on heating etc. They do not want for anything and I think it's wrong of you to say that all children living with a single mum on benefits must be miserable and deprived. The ability to budget and prioritise can mean that is not the case.

motherinferior - but as I said upthread, I'm talking about parents who want to stay home, not those who have no choice for whatever reason.

To me it doesn't matter whether I want to work. I have a child and her needs absolutely 100% come first and for me that means not working so I can be there after school every day, I can be at all the school events.

Would I like a career? Probably. Do I think that is compatible with a successful family life for us? Absolutely I don't. My husband's career requires him to be away regularly - therefore I'm the SAHP. Am I resentful? Absolutely not DO I think this set up would work for every family? Absolutely not

OP YANBU doing what is right for your family.

YABU for assuming that everyone else's family work the same way.

So essentially your argument is 'Isn't it a good thing to do something you'd like to do'. Which isn't really an argument, is it.

And my mother did have a choice. She could perfectly well have chosen another option. It was the assumption that Children Need A Parent At Home that effectively coerced her into choosing an option she did not prefer.

Again, did you work before you had your daughters and are you the same young age s your husband would have been?

Also working means you get out of sports day, which is a reason for a full-on career if nothing else is.

Mingnion, your own personal situation at the moment is so very different to many other people. Your children are in a very different place emotionally than mine were when they were younger and were in full-time childcare.

For that reason alone, you can't make sweeping judgements about what children want/need, only what your own children want & need.

I mean that in the nicest way, so apologies if I come across blunt.

Oh ok, I see what you mean, apologies. I don't actually know anyone that ONLY works because it sets a good example. There are usually alot of reasons.

You sound as if you have done brilliantly by the way....now that is one amazing example to your children in itself in addition to being happy to be a SAHM.

What flowery says. I have had time as a SAHM but only after saving up sufficient wealth first (a privilege, I know). It is odd to do it in the other order and assume others will regard it as a given that you will contribute in the future, however qualified you may be (and a first degree, from anywhere, is not exactly highly qualified). You might and you might not. None of us knows what the future holds. You should be happy with your decision for the moment you are in and not only because you will pay back the state some time: benefits are given to mothers of young children partly because it is recognised that they are doing an important job and many of them can't work because of the cost of childcare. It is a social good that we have children and if you feel the need to be home for whatever reason then you should not feel guilty about accepting benefits. I am still surprised that you qualify for benefits incidentally - maybe you put that in just to be controversial? My Oxbridge friends all have life insurance, mostly automatically with their jobs, but especially after they have children.

My mum very much wanted to be at home with us.

But when she reached middle age she seemed to regret having done nothing with her life other than look after her children.

I think she wished she had used her degree (from a good university) to do something in her field, but by the time she wanted to she struggled to find any work at all.

So I remember that it was nice to have a mother at home and I also remember that by the time I was a teenager my mother seemed unfulfilled and slightly frustrated with her life.

I suspect that's why I have never really considered being a SAHM.

Well that and my maternal grandmother's insistence that I worry about jobs before babies :o

She never even had the option of using her degree so she could work, and to her we had all the chances that she was denied.

You want validation for your choices. Which is what every parent tends to want. Sadly we fall out on these threads because people take the fact others have made different decisions as a challenge or rebuff to their own.

You're not doing what I do (full-time work) but you are putting your children first. Consider yourself validated. Ditto everyone else on the thread.

Sorry, cross posted and didn't see about the life insurance. That's tough . Gosh, your DH must have been a teen father - how old were you when your 6.5 yo was born? Were you at Cambridge Uni at the time? That's impressive and I am pleased that they are clearly enlightened enough nowadays to facilitate that.

Enjoy your time at home with your lo's if you feel that the right thing for them and for you. Probably don't suggest others are in some way inferior for making other choices, though. Everyone is different.

No, that's not what I said.

I was pointing out why MY children would not wish that I stayed at home. I did not,at any point suggest that everyone on benefits were miserable or tell everyone that they should stop being SAHP and go to work.

The post related directly to experience and why I did not feel the need to be a SAHP, if you read it properly.

Sorry Tantrums my post was to the OP, not to you. Apologies for not making that clear.

Lilacroses - It's something you get thrown at you a great deal once you're a single parent, that the main reason (because benefits can and do fund many) to work is to set a good example to your children, even if your wages won't cover the childcare costs.

Fleta - I think you have good points - 'To me it doesn't matter whether I want to work. I have a child and her needs absolutely 100% come first and for me that means not working so I can be there after school every day, I can be at all the school events.' I went to Cambridge and had my career planned out, obviously I wanted a career for myself or I wouldn't have worked so hard to qualify. But that changed when I had children and of course more so since DH died.

Periwonkle - Yes, I did work before I had children and I'm 28.

I am sorry for your loss, it must be a very hard time with two small children.

If you don't want to work that is fine - as long as you don't expect anyone else to fund your choice.