to think children don't really care about 'work ethics' and would prefer to have a SAHP?

[Mingnion]

Well aware I'm probably going to get mightily flamed for this but here goes...

I have a 6.5 year old and an 18 month old. My husband that supported us sadly died last year and I plan to stay at home and on benefits until my youngest is at school. I have a degree from Cambridge and will put in what I take out a hundred times over in the future no doubt. We do not have a lavish lifestyle but my children are adequately fed, dressed and are very happy which is more important IMO. Six months ago I found a part-time job and the impact on my children was massive. They were miserable at having to go to nursery and after school clubs and I was miserable as I missed them. Now they are inexplicably happy. I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics but realistically, do you really think children will care? I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP and in retrospect I'd have preferred my mum to have been home so her work ethics obviously didn't rub off on me. AIBU to think this way and plan to stay at home with my children until my youngest is school age?

And tbh I find it pretty offensive that you are putting words into my mouth that did not come from me.

I did not mention single parents at all and at no bloody point did I say the children of single parents are miserable and deprived and I think you need to apologise for saying that I posted that.

Ok, yes, I get what you mean. Actually I don't agree that you should be pressurised to work if your wages don't even cover the childcare costs. That, in my mind is a ridiculous situation and ought to be remedied. Otoh it is a completely legitimate choice and a very important job in itself to look after your young children at home yourself.

Fleta then that makes you a martyr. Your cboice. I am not a martyr. My needs and wants may not necessarily come first in our family life but they damn welll do get considered. I am a person in my own right.

So at 22, and a Cambridge graduate, you had a child with a 19yo? I am intrigued. You have an unusual life. I am not accusing you of trolling btw - I have had an unusual life too.

I was thrown out of home at 15 and lived homeless on and off until I was 18 and managed to get a full-time job to survive through my A-Levels. I'm not a smug person, but I think I have a right to feel proud of my acheivement here

Well yes, that sounds like something you have every right to be proud of. You overcame more obstacles than most of us and achieved more than many people with every advantage. And then when your life was looking rosy at last you were widowed That really sucks... but you are picking yourself up again and carrying on in the best way you know. That is admirable.

You're still wrong that anyone could do it if they put the work in, though. I, for one, simply don't have the brains for it, well depending on the course (I did get two-thirds of the way through an OU degree but came to a sticky halt on the economics module, which I simply could not get my head around), and I'm generally accounted by people who know me to be quite intelligent. To be fair I am also lazy, but then again, when I dropped out of the OU course I was also working full-time with a fairly long commute, had 4 children and rather too many pets, and my marriage was going down the pan. One thing I ain't is thick. But Cambridge? Not in my league, squire.

And if you have dds is that what youre teaching them? ThT no matter how academic they are, how hard they work, they come third after their children and their husband's job?

I had a wonderful nanny as a child, my mother gave up work because she was jealous that I always ran to the nanny for comfort even if she was there. Her being a sahm was horrible, she was useless at it and looking at four walls drove her her crazy which I suffered for. Not suggesting that you're anything like that, just that it's not for everybody and it's not necessarily the best choice for those who are good at it. While you may be a good sahm, you're placing your family in a disadvantaged position. What happens if benefits are cut? I can't imagine they're particularly generous as it is. Money is important, it's freedom, comfort, opportunity...

The longer you leave going back to work the harder it's going to be to get a well paid job and you'll probably have to settle for something below what you're qualified for, that's assuming you'll be able to get one at all. If your whole life revolves around your home and children (and if your on benefits you're not going to be able to afford much else), eventually you'll lose the confidence to even apply for a professional job because you'll have detached so much from that part of your life.

There is good childcare out there and the sooner you get back to work, the sooner you can earn enough to pay for the best. I really don't think that children care much for having a sahp, I think they'd rather have a functioning, sane one who can provide for them regardless of government cuts and who is part of the world rather than one who becomes increasingly isolated from it. I really don't see how you're not going to become isolated in your position.

The thing is OP, you think that now, when your DC are tiny.

But they grow so quickly.

Then you realise that putting them first, second and last 100% of the time is actually very bad for them. And you.

So many entitled teens with Mums who can't now work having given up everything for their DC!

TantrumsAndBalloons - you said when you were on benefits you and your children were miserable and were deprived of drama classes and so on. That infers that children with parents on benefits are miserable and deprived in the same way that I said my children were miserable when they were in childcare - many assumed I was inferring all children are miserable in childcare.

ProfPlumSpeaking - I studied for my A-Levels from 18-20, then went to Cambridge. I had DD in my final year and yes, DH was young when we had her. I'd been told by my mother that I was infertile, which turned out not to be the case! A three year age gap isn't that bad is it?

I am that child whose mum went out to work, she worked because she wanted to add to dads earnings and together they bought a home and worked hard for all that we had. However I never had a mum because she was out working and then came home to make dinner and clean and do other household chores. At the weekend I would be sent to my nans so that her and dad could 'chill out' at the local working mens/british legion club/meeting up with friends.
So when it was my turn to have kids I had already made my mind up that my child would have me around, they are my kids, my choice to have them and my responsibility and that I would be in a position so that I did not have to work.
I grant you, I am lucky. I know get to work from home and choose my hours.
I do not want my child to feel like they are not wanted because I don't have the time to be with them and let others bring up MY children.

I would have rather had my mum home to be my mum and care for me.

How can you say you don't understand how people say they have to work for financial reasons bababababoom? DH and I work to pay the mortgage on our house, council tax, energy bills etc etc. My salary is greater than our childcare costs but I still consider myself as working for financial reasons.

I would definitely rather be a SAHM while DD is little - probably not once she goes to school but I miss the time I am not with her and regard people who are SAHMs with some envy. However, I am not prepared to leave my job and go on benefits simply to have that time with her. If everyone did that, there wouldn't be enough money to pay benefits to those who genuinely need them (and I include the OP in her particular situation and those for whom childcare costs do exceed their earnings in that category).

And I totally agree SAHPs can have a good work ethic too.

My parents both worked when we were at school but arranged shifts so we didn't go to after-school care.

My mum did a degree to further her career when I was about 10-12. When I was doing my exams at 15/16 memories of her studying and k owing she understood what I was going through REALLY helped.

My dad retrained in his 50s again reinforcing ideas about aspiration and that its never too late to k Ickes down and work for what you want in life.

So I agree the "setting an example work ethic" doesn't maybe apply with a 18mo old but I think it does apply from as early as primary school. Though I will still do all I can to have a good work/life balance for and with my son (p/t working, no long hours, taking all me leave)

Meboo how did you feel aboit your dad? And how do your childre feel about your oh working? Or is it generally acceoted that thats what men do? Do your children not need their dad around all day e ery day?

wordfactory - I do think that putting them first is important when they're so young and I'm prepared to do that without feeling like a martyr. I appreciate some people can't do that and that's their choice.

Yes, actually, I do believe that a Cambridge degree makes it more acceptable that I'm on benefits than someone with no qualifications, who is making no attempt to gain any or any experience or skills. My degree and work experience means I'll have a job which is better paid than someone who has no qualifications and skills and therefore am more likely to repay the money I rely on now.

As a fellow "tab" I actually believe the opposite - that having been provided with a top class degree by the government (I think you are younger than me so would have paid some tuition fees but nowhere near what the degree costs) it would be less acceptable forme to live off benefits not more. I have loads of good options - many people don't.

Yes - it requires (a lot of) work to get intoCambridge and to get your degree but it also requires what I would describe as freaky cleverness. For whatever reason you and I were born with an innate ability that most people don't have. We didn't earn it. We don't deserve it. We just have it.

I'm not saying you are doing the wrong thing - after what your kids have been through the security of mummy at home must be very important to them. But don't see yourself as different to other mums on benefits just because you have a particular degree certificate.

I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP

This is what you wrote. I did not say "most children are miserable if their parents are on benefits"

I don't know, I don't see it as 'freaky cleverness' Mumoftwoyoungkids. I have little common sense, am not great at maths, science, general knowledge and so on. My degree is in Social and Political Sciences, I went to a really bad primary school, a better secondary school and an okay college. I had to work hard to get into Cambridge, I could write the entrance essays no problem but if they'd asked me to work something abstract out, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I don't feel all that intelligent. And it isn't because I'm not working before someone says it!

TantrumsAndBalloons - I stand by that. I do not know any children that would rather their parent worked and they went to childcare. I do not know any adults had a happy-to-be-there parent at home with them who wished their parent worked instead. I know plenty of adults who wished their parents had been there. I see plenty of children who cry their eyes out at the end of school when they see they're walking to the after school club and not going home with their parent/to a friends for tea etc. Of course I don't know the circumstances of all of those children, but personally I'd be miserable knowing my children were miserable. I'm not saying all children in childcare are miserable, but I do think the vast majority would prefer not to be.

Well as this is purely anecdotal evidence I can tell you that I know 3 children who are entirely happy that their parents go to work, who love going to after school club as I explained previously and who were miserable when I was not working.

And once again as you seem determined to acknowledge this, never did I say all the children of single parents on benefits are miserable. Not once. Because I don't think that.

I know my children were

Projecting your own issues and blatantly saying something i did not post doesn't make you right.

I think you mean "imply" rather than "infer", OP.

But thanks to this thread, I have seen the light! WOHMs everywhere, return to your homes forthwith! Op, your dcs might not have teachers, there might be nobody to run the out-of-school activities you enjoy with your toddler. Heaven help your dcs if they get sick and can't get access to the health care providers they need. But who cares about that? Mummy is at home and all is right with the world.

My sarcasm may be slightly running away with me - I'm sure my organisation would get along without me (although it would suffer greatly to lose my boss, also a WOHM). Holier-than-thou rhetoric is irritating, whichever side it comes from. You're doing your best in your circumstances, others are doing their best in theirs. For all those "struggling to understand", I'm afraid that's just a failure in empathy.

You're right, bibliomania, my phone was correcting it automatically - I obviously use "infer" too much!

Nowhere did I say that all women should stop working once they become a mother.

I don't look down on them Chunderella, but I do think having a degree puts me in a better position to get a job than those on benefits who don't which was the original point.

First of all OP, I am so sorry for your loss

Have people really told you that you are doing your children a disservice by staying at home? Are you sure you're not projecting those feelings? Because as aSP who workd FT, I can assure you the only comments I've ever recieved are ones about how I've done my kids a disservice by working. Go figure!