to think children don't really care about 'work ethics' and would prefer to have a SAHP?

[Mingnion]

Well aware I'm probably going to get mightily flamed for this but here goes...

I have a 6.5 year old and an 18 month old. My husband that supported us sadly died last year and I plan to stay at home and on benefits until my youngest is at school. I have a degree from Cambridge and will put in what I take out a hundred times over in the future no doubt. We do not have a lavish lifestyle but my children are adequately fed, dressed and are very happy which is more important IMO. Six months ago I found a part-time job and the impact on my children was massive. They were miserable at having to go to nursery and after school clubs and I was miserable as I missed them. Now they are inexplicably happy. I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics but realistically, do you really think children will care? I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP and in retrospect I'd have preferred my mum to have been home so her work ethics obviously didn't rub off on me. AIBU to think this way and plan to stay at home with my children until my youngest is school age?

Im concerned about both genders work ethics. How many friends have you got that have had a child by choice as a single mum on benefits and then their mum moan and the girl says who cares you did it, you never bothered working etc.. What can you day to that. I had children quite young to but always worked but a large majority of my friends who didnt have good role models in that area havent bothered.

You see them pushing buggies round town all day, baby after baby, year after year. What a waste of life.

"A waste of a life". - in your opinion.

So a period as a sahp is now akin to pushing buggies on benefits for life.How bloody rude and how disparaging of a very crucial and valuable period in a parents life.

It is rare for tham to go back. They all have plans they will do this or that or whatever but most of time they will keep having kids or go on to jsa and say nothing fits in etc. Many of my school friends are still not doing anything and their children are 10,12 etc. They had such grand plans when we hung out saying they would take just a couple of years out, but none of them work now. It is a waste of life I think its sad for them that they will never know another way.

My eldest are 10, I don't see my life as wasted thanks.I've done a lot,will do a lot and what I'm doing is valuable,far more than doing a minimum wage job,whilst being propped up by the state.

You know all the ins and outs of all these mothers you look down on do you?

Touchy or what? Am I talking abouy you? Are you on benefits? I have seen you on other threads complaining about your friends who get more money as they are dual earners. I think it makes you annoyed but that doesnt mean every scenario is about you.

Nope but you're being disparaging about many who are and writing off sahp as feckless benefit scroungers.

"Touchy" hmmm I'm seeing a lot of touchiness on this thread,is it only allowed one way then?

And re other threads sorry you're completely wrong,I've never had a problem with dual earners earning more it's errr kind of likely if there are 2 salaries instead of 1. Having a Sahp you expect that.I do however have a problem with higher combined household income getting more support from the state than those on less whether it be WFA or CB however that is a whole other thread and issue.

Happy to debate it any time however posters on this thread would become a tad bored.

I didnt say feckless benefit scrounger. I just think its a waste to just give up and go.on benefits, as often one year becomes 5 years and so forth. Its difficult changing your life when your in the benefit trap.

you guys have way too much energy for this time of the morning :) can we all not just agree to disagree

some people are better of being stahm .. some are not !

Some of us have been up all night and are already on our first espresso.

Totally agree with Mums last sentence,always have.

On benefits I dont think anyone is better off being a sahm. If you see the bleak lives of people it is not something I would ever choose and put my child through. Talk to mums on benefits and then you will see what I mean, its not just the easy ride being at complete mercy of someone else, losing confidence from not working and being seen as a benefit claimant etc.

Just like to add my mum gave up her career when I was born to support my fathers forces job,she went back when I was in my 20s in lesser roles and ended up working until retirement.

I fully expect to do the same.

It was/is life balance and she was very happy.Her way was crucial for our family and I'll always be grateful and utterly respectful.She was/ is the glue in our family.She has always lead an extremely full life.

Afternoons, by Philip Larkin

Summer is fading:
The leaves fall in ones and twos
From trees bordering
The new recreation ground.
In the hollows of afternoons
Young mothers assemble
At swing and sandpit
Setting free their children.

Behind them, at intervals,
Stand husbands in skilled trades,
An estateful of washing,
And the albums, lettered
Our Wedding, lying
Near the television:
Before them, the wind
Is ruining their courting-places

That are still courting-places
(But the lovers are all in school),
And their children, so intent on
Finding more unripe acrons,
Expect to be taken home.
Their beauty has thickened.
Something is pushing them
To the side of their own lives.

A little bit of gloomy Larkin to lighten your day. I don't think it is the issue of whether women work or stay at home as that fact that this is always about women, never the fathers.

Women should make their own choices, but do not allow yourself to be pushed to the side of your own life. When I hear women like Maca (sorry to pick on you) saying they had to give up work because their husband didn't want the children in childcare and (conveniently for him) earned more, I want to hit my head on the desk. How about what you want? Not the children, or husband - you.

Never mind what my children would 'prefer' (currently lounging in a onesie all morning). I matter too.

I think you are totally right to do what you do for your children OP, and I would do the same.

lol retro I have been up all night too ... minus the expresso , abviously where I am going wrong haha

Plenty of working parents are on benefits with kids in less than desirable childcare.

Personally I'd rather have a sahp in the early years in that situation.Maybe they do.

Always love a bit of Larkin.

Got to get my dc up now.

Forces is different it is very difficult for a mum married to a forces man to pursue anything herself its not fair on the children. The man will have to come first, and that us what you are agreeing to marrying in to serving forces.

Annie for some of us our Dp's jobs aren't conducive to equal career roles within the family,some of us are happy to take lesser roles or the consequences of time out.Some of us may have the bigger roles.

In my family and surroundings there are many sahds and women with equal if not better roles.

My sister is the main breadwinner in her family with a high flying job so my mother's choices clearly didn't have much of an impact on her.Does it make her happy,I'm not so sure.She had a nanny though which her children thrived on.

Joe Bloggs on minimum wage,in receipt of benefits wouldn't be so lucky.

Anyhoo must drag them out of their pits!

Off at a slight tangent... But the issue about working people on benefits is all to do with the NMW being pathetically low compared to living costs. NMW should be far higher and tax credits are the work of the devil IMO. If only we could reach a situation where anyone who works is signifcantly better off than someone who doesn't.

I can't blame someone who is working full time and literally does not earn enough to live modestly on if they receive tax credits- it's not their fault as they are doing all they can to be independent. But it shouldn't be like that.

Exactly retropear do nothing like the op, nothing like what I mentioned and completely irrrelevant.

Oh and a job that gave her flexi,part time hours,ditto her dh.

Not everybody has that luxury.

Utterly agree with Janey re TC.

morning janey :) and omg how are you people so smart right now .. my argument has fallen to pot obviously due to my eye lids shutting. I can barely remember are pm's name right now let a known politics

I am not sure going by children's preferences is always the best way to bring them up. Most would prefer not to go to school and to eat ice cream at every meal and never have a bath!

Hello!

Retro you may "fully expect" to rejoin the workforce when you're ready and willing but things have changed drastically in the last 5-6 years and it ain't that easy now. Wgich is what quite a few people have been pointing out to the OP

I have no problems at all with the choices that anyone makes. I just get sick to death of people slagging off other people's choices in an attampt to justify their own becuse they feel that they are beinglooked down on. And it comes from both sides - from SAHPs and WOTHPs. I wish women (for it seems to be largely women that do it) would stop and support each other and applaud our ability to make these choices

As for all the kids being picked up by CMs and after school clubs crying and miserable? Really? To start with I have neither the time or the inclination to take note of who is being picked up by who. But I see quite a few mardy kids being picked up by their parents as well including mine