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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think children don't really care about 'work ethics' and would prefer to have a SAHP?

607 replies

Mingnion · 20/11/2013 23:13

Well aware I'm probably going to get mightily flamed for this but here goes...

I have a 6.5 year old and an 18 month old. My husband that supported us sadly died last year and I plan to stay at home and on benefits until my youngest is at school. I have a degree from Cambridge and will put in what I take out a hundred times over in the future no doubt. We do not have a lavish lifestyle but my children are adequately fed, dressed and are very happy which is more important IMO. Six months ago I found a part-time job and the impact on my children was massive. They were miserable at having to go to nursery and after school clubs and I was miserable as I missed them. Now they are inexplicably happy. I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics but realistically, do you really think children will care? I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP and in retrospect I'd have preferred my mum to have been home so her work ethics obviously didn't rub off on me. AIBU to think this way and plan to stay at home with my children until my youngest is school age?

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 21/11/2013 22:13

stealth My dd would like to have both parents on holiday in the Canaries with her all the time.

And all 4 grandparents.

Actually I'd quite like that too.....

scottishmummy · 21/11/2013 22:18

I'm a responsible adult I don't devolve adult decision regard family finance to dc
Because as adult I have significantly higher ability than my dc to process complex decision
Mine would chose fish finger for breakfast and no school,they don't always get it right

Periwonkle · 21/11/2013 22:20

Mumofbeautys - yes if it were true.

Permanentlyexhausted · 21/11/2013 22:25

I'm sure that my children, if asked, would probably want me to stay at home and not go off to work as I do. If asked, they would also prefer to eat chocolate all day, do nothing but play computer games, and not have to get up in the morning. Bringing up children should not be about doing whatever makes them happy. Of course, that is not to say we shouldn't care for their emotional wellbeing. Simply that placing children on a pedestal where endless sacrifices are made, because it will make them happier, is wrong.

Everyone should do what feels right for them (although I generally feel that everyone has a duty to support themselves as far as is possible) but don't think that you are a better parent just because you're doing what your children think will make them happy.

mumofbeautys · 21/11/2013 22:25

if what was true lol ?

VelvetSpoon · 21/11/2013 22:26

As a Cambridge graduate, I have to say it's no guarantee of well-paid employment; it can open some doors, but equally can close others (depending on whether your prospective employer is swayed by the cachet of Oxbridge, or is anti 'elite' unis, or simply prefers experience/up to date skills.

I've always worked, because my parents brought me up to be financially independent. I've had a few shitty comments (mainly from staff at my DC's primary school) but as far as I'm concerned that only shows their ignorance

BoffinMum · 21/11/2013 22:29

I think it might be shrewd to find a bit of part-time work to lay the groundwork for a career once the kids are old enough, and also so the kids remain used to you doing something other than looking after them.

MacaYoniandCheese · 21/11/2013 22:30

My husband's parents divorced when he was quite young. His Mom had to go back to work to support him and his brothers and he spent lots of time in dodgy childcare, with sitters etc. Because of his experience he was very keen for me to stay at home with our kids (which I wanted to do and we can afford). Losing a parent is a MASSIVE trauma for a child, but so is bad childcare. You should do whatever you need to do to support your family through this time.

StealthPolarBear · 21/11/2013 22:33

Maca, he never considered staying at home himself then? As he was the one who felt so strongly?

mumofbeautys · 21/11/2013 22:33

this thread has made me think a lot .. I am no longer quitting my job

StealthPolarBear · 21/11/2013 22:37

really?? were you planning to/

scottishmummy · 21/11/2013 22:37

Given your dh strong views why didn't he chose not to work
Did he consider both of you pt

morethanpotatoprints · 21/11/2013 22:38

I think you must do what is right for your children, especially in the case of the OP.
I am so sorry about your husband, it is still early days and I can see why the dc were unhappy with you working.
As time goes on I'm sure you and they will benefit from you working again, but for now and for the sake of your family YANBU, definitely not.

MacaYoniandCheese · 21/11/2013 22:45

In the interest of not reinforcing gender-stereotypes, we considered that SPB. Would have been mighty silly though, given that his salary was more than quadruple mine.

StealthPolarBear · 21/11/2013 22:47

Fair enough. We'd never have considered that, despite earning roughly the same (until I had children). Fact is, men out-earn women in general. It's no coincidence.

mumofbeautys · 21/11/2013 22:48

yeap stealth I was handing in my notice Monday lol thought I had made my final decision now I am re thinking it.

PacificDogwood · 21/11/2013 22:52

Would have been mighty silly though, given that his salary was more than quadruple mine.

See, that is really infuriating though.
Why is his four times yours, Maca? Rhetorical question, you don't have to answer Grin.
DH and I have the same degree, different postgraduate degree. I never aimed as high as he did, because even 10 years before we ever had children I knew I'd want to be at home as long as possible (6 months mat leave x 4) and I'd want to work part-time thereafter.
So. His income is about twice mine (if I worked full-time).
It never occurred to him to train/work less than F/T.
Biscuit
It really pisses me off sometimes, even though it was my choice. Just never his - and, to be fair, would have been very difficult and frowned about to achieve in his field.

V unfair.

scottishmummy · 21/11/2013 23:10

So by virtue of man earning more,you're expected to give up work maca
Straightforward?so he continue on trajectory.what bout you
Was there any discussion of him accommodating childcare in work schedule.or just you

AngiBolen · 21/11/2013 23:12

Why is it posters only seem conerned about daughers work ethics?

Are girls more likely to be lazy, feckless scroungers than boys?

scottishmummy · 21/11/2013 23:15

I've not seen a gender break down on work ethics of children
Can you cite an example

Original poster
Mingnion · 21/11/2013 23:28

Periwonkle - I'm unsure what you're finding difficult to believe. And as for having a history of starting posts to rile people, I only have one other post which is about homework so hardly a massive debate.

For those who, rather disgustingly, inferred I must be pretty think to have believed I was infertile - if your mother had told you for as long as you could rememberthat you were infertile, would you seriously insist on medical testing (under the age of 15 when I was thrown out) to prove it was true?

Saying some of the children I see at DDs school are upset at being collected by after school club/childminders etc isn't nasty. It's a fact. I did not say this is true of all children that use childcare.

For people claiming I've been arrogant about my degree and that I'm naive regarding my employment potential once my youngest child is at school: naturally I'm aware that I won't have the high-flying career I might have had were DH still here but having a degree, from anywhere, puts you in a better position for finding a job in my opinion. I may join a graduate teacher programme for example, something that would be impossible were my degree not already in place. I am also a published writer so I plan to keep my hand in by writing at home.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 21/11/2013 23:35

You'll just slip into teaching?aye good luck with that
For a social scientist you don't seem to join up unemployment,and impact on kids
Yet you note the alleged tears of Afterschool kids

Caitlin17 · 21/11/2013 23:36

Was your mother a qualified gynecologist, if not why on earth would you take her word for it?

You're attempting to back track from the sweeping generalisation of your original post, although not an apology or any recognition your choice is being paid for by amongst others, working mothers.

Caitlin17 · 21/11/2013 23:39

Oh and I think you mean "work ethic"not "work ethics" which would mean something quite different.

monicalewinski · 21/11/2013 23:43

Angi

I have boys, and so I think of the work ethic with regard to them. I hope that they grow up seeing women as equal in all respects as a result of me working.

I earn slightly less than my husband (but only because he has been in the job 8 years longer than me and is a higher rank), but it is me that does the 'man's job' (I am an engineer, husband works in an office). My husband has been equally responsible for running the home alone when I have to work away, as I have when he's away. When we're both home, everything is equal (except I do zero cooking and he won't build flatpack furniture!).

My boys don't have the accepted gender view that the woman alone is responsible for childcare/the home because of what they have experienced with me as their mum.

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