to think children don't really care about 'work ethics' and would prefer to have a SAHP?

[Mingnion]

Well aware I'm probably going to get mightily flamed for this but here goes...

I have a 6.5 year old and an 18 month old. My husband that supported us sadly died last year and I plan to stay at home and on benefits until my youngest is at school. I have a degree from Cambridge and will put in what I take out a hundred times over in the future no doubt. We do not have a lavish lifestyle but my children are adequately fed, dressed and are very happy which is more important IMO. Six months ago I found a part-time job and the impact on my children was massive. They were miserable at having to go to nursery and after school clubs and I was miserable as I missed them. Now they are inexplicably happy. I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics but realistically, do you really think children will care? I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP and in retrospect I'd have preferred my mum to have been home so her work ethics obviously didn't rub off on me. AIBU to think this way and plan to stay at home with my children until my youngest is school age?

Work because I want to,I get approbation and vocational and personal satisfaction
Oh and lovely mula to spend

Be careful scottishmummy... Someone will come along in a minute and tell you that you shouldn't need work to get approbation and satisfaction. They can't get their heads round the idea that some of get approbation and satisfaction from more than one aspect of life

Mula that the kids benefit from too scottishmummy

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole that, so sorry if my question has already been answered. I'm confused - I didn't realise people could simply "choose" to remain on benefits. I thought that after a while, unless you have a disability, you are obliged to apply for jobs, and get put on courses and so on. Can you really just tell the benefits agency that, although you have good qualifications and are physically capable of working, you'd rather be a SAHM? I've never been on benefits but I'm fairly sure it's not that easy to get them.

If my husband died I would try to stay at home while my children were small. In fact we have life insurance so I probably could.

I might go a bit stir crazy though and would probably get them into some sort of childcare for socialisation from three onwards, even if a minimal amount.

As it is, I work because both of us need to to pay the mortgage.

btw I have a pretty good degree and if I was out of the job market with little-to-no experience I would not be assured of getting a job. I don't think a Cambridge degree is a guarantee of anything several years after graduating. Particularly when you start looking and think you'll get the first tasty school hours job you see, and the other 1000 mums in the area go for it.

So yanbu in your choices, but I'm pretty appalled by your judging and superior attitude actually and you might well have a shock when you do start job hunting (though I genuinely hope not).

One more thing I would like to add. One of the jobs offered to me, out of over 100 applicants only 14 of us were short listed.

I was the only one who didn't have the 'essential' qualification required.

It was my experience that got me the job. Not a formal qualification.

OP you degree might mean zilch by the time you want to return to work.

IME people work because they have to and/or because they like their job.

This idea of going to work to model a work ethic for children is ludicrous. Its also one of those terms used in this context I really only see on Mumsnet.

Children can learn principles of hard work, by example, within the home.

Best wishes to you OP. Sounds like you have a good plan.

Op if you don't fulfil essential person spec for job your degree won't matter diddly squat
No one will shortlist and recruit on basis of Cambridge degree alone
You'll need relevant experience and able to differentiate self from other candidates

Imagine you can claim income support until your youngest is 7yo and then you have to go onto job seekers allowance as far as i know.

imagine - there is no obligation on a single parent (with care) of a child or children under the age of 5 to work. You do not have to justify to anyone not working up until your child turns 5. After that, you are shifted from Income Support to JSA and are obliged to look for work. My understanding is that Job Centre staff are supposed to exercise judgement when it comes to single parents - so they can't expect you to work nights or weekends or split shifts, that kind of thing, as it usually isn't compatible with available childcare. I believe that single parents would more than likely get away with only working 10am - 2pm but that they couldn't express a desire to work term-time only and turn down otherwise suitable work without receiving benefit's sanctions. What the practice has been, I'm unaware, as I work full-time and hopefully won't have to step foot in a Job Centre ever again. But you never know, I guess!

I hate the way women (me included) feel the need to justify why they work, either cos of the money, their mental health, their self-worth, because they enjoy it. No one ever asks DH why he works rather than SAH. Men just do.

Your dh presumably works to earn wage that facilitates you being housewife
He could chose not to work,by all means,You could work instead be the earner

Has it changed now? After my dad died my mum received widowed mothers allowance until my dsis left full time education and it wasn't means tested, she worked. Not sure what else she would have been entitled to if she hadn't.

HAPPYMUMOFONE

I think it depends on your version of having it all.

To some mothers, having it all means to be able to spend time at home with small children rather than being able to buy nice things or even your definition of what nice things are.

I don't think anybody needs to justify anything.

None of us do, whatever our choices (or obligations), and the OP doesn't either.

I work. DH work. We use childcare.
This is what we have arranged as best for all of us for various reasons.

I am in no doubt that our children would prefer to have one of us at home. And I think most preschool-aged children would. I am not saying that because I have any kind of superior knowledge about everybody's children, but because young children like continuity and security and being with the people they love most. And young children have not quite twigged the connection between working and money yet.

No need to froth.

Was that to me? Sorry if I wasn't clear. I'm not a housewife. But the question always seems to be to me. DH is just expected to work.

Gah I misread it,you work?we all work for same thing money
Gender stereotypes do guide some folk thinking,but it' is dinosaur thinking

stealth

Sahms have to do that too though. I have spent many a toddler group with awkward women asking shyly, so why are you here then, why are you not working.

Pacific, you're right. I think given the choice most children would have both parents home with them all day every day.

Nah,not mine

Scottish I do work for money. I also work because I enjoy my job, believe in what I do and I like it.
I don't doubt it Elf. Although men get it even more I'm sure, and I'm sure I've been guilty in the past of questioning men who SAH.

Point I'm making is that it's ingrained in most of us (me included) that men work.
It's also ingrained in many of us (not me as this wasn't my experience as a child) that 'good' mothers stay at home, at least while their children are small. They then take a secondary career to their man, and probably also inferior to the one they gave up to have children.
(I have a good mother, she worked)

there still is a widow allowance.

also sorry if I misread somewhere .. her husband was educated and completely supporting her as a stahm.
so he would have been on a good wage to be able to work on a single wage, without tops ups.
there should be life insurance or even somesort of money from his work ?

I agree,the only folk who ever questioned my working were women,the precious moments mothers
No man has ever trotted out the why ave em line,or bellyached about biddulph
As I Said I work for approbation,vocational. Satisfaction,money