to think children don't really care about 'work ethics' and would prefer to have a SAHP?

[Mingnion]

Well aware I'm probably going to get mightily flamed for this but here goes...

I have a 6.5 year old and an 18 month old. My husband that supported us sadly died last year and I plan to stay at home and on benefits until my youngest is at school. I have a degree from Cambridge and will put in what I take out a hundred times over in the future no doubt. We do not have a lavish lifestyle but my children are adequately fed, dressed and are very happy which is more important IMO. Six months ago I found a part-time job and the impact on my children was massive. They were miserable at having to go to nursery and after school clubs and I was miserable as I missed them. Now they are inexplicably happy. I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics but realistically, do you really think children will care? I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP and in retrospect I'd have preferred my mum to have been home so her work ethics obviously didn't rub off on me. AIBU to think this way and plan to stay at home with my children until my youngest is school age?

"Children dont benefit at all from mothers going out to work"

No, the food magically appears, clothes magic there way into the wardrobe and the house grew from a bean

Its not just the financial benefits that work brings but good role models, showing children that you need to work to pay the bills and buy nice things and that they can have a career and children together.

Its also good for girls to see they can have it all and for boys to know there sole purpose in life is not to work purely so their partner can stay home.

Choosing a life on benefits knowing that you could be providing but dont want too whilst lowering the outcomes for your children is selfish.

I'm sorry about your husband, but I think this is wrong... my mum was a single mother and went out to work from when I was a baby. I never felt miserable, I had a happy childhood. And her work ethics have rubbed off on me, as I am a working parent. What do you think would happen if we ALL as parents decided to just stop working and go on benefits? The economy would collapse.

I honestly think sometimes people try and justify not working by going on about how much better it is for the children. I think it's bloody cheeky to be honest.

I wish my DM hadn't worked when I was a pre-school child.

DM didn't work when my elder siblings were pre-schoolers.

I chose not to work unill my yougest was 2yo (and then very part time). My siblings all chose to work over being SAHP

DM puts it down to me having a different temperempent to my siblings. I put it down to wanting to give my DC better than I had.

I totally accept that children can be better off if their parents work.

I know I would have been better off if my DM had been at home with me. (DM woud have hated it, but she was an ace mother when I was little and would have thrown herself into caring for and educating me). I know DS1 would have been a lot worse off if he had been cared for by some one else.

I once posted on AIBU (under another name) because I was crying at hits of 1975.....and they reminded me of the time I spent with my childminder. I was practically eaten alive. "Flamed" doesn't come near it. - At the time I was a childminder, doing my best to make sure none of the DC in my care ended up crying becuse of certain tunes on the radio 30 years later.

Funnily enough, my DSis who would have gone insane being a SAHM, now has a grandchild who is cared for by her SAHdad. (Who has a PHD).

There is no right way. But I do believe every parent should be able to make the choice which is right for their family. Whether that be being able to access quality child care, or living of benefits. I feel so sad when new mothers (and in my experience it's always the mothers) who become ill becasue financially they have to go back to work and use childcare.

Retro

At 12:36pm today she said the following which woad probably on the "not" side of the kindness line:-

I see plenty of children who cry their eyes out at the end of school when they see they're walking to the after school club and not going home with their parent/to a friends for tea etc. Of course I don't know the circumstances of all of those children, but personally I'd be miserable knowing my children were miserable.

curious a social scientist op choses unemployment,and espouses benefits of it
Cambridge social science degree would have covered unemployment and comorbidity
Let's not big up choosing not to work as beneficial and desired by her children

do you believe your a good mum ?
then that's all that matters lol

I think I a bloody fantastic mum and don't need to be told I am by others .. and yes I believe I am because of my choices.

Of course children would prefer a stay at home parent, absolutely they would. But they also have to learn they are part of a bigger picture IMO and if that involves after school clubs etc then so be it.

I know a couple of mums who don't work as their DH earn very good money and they choose not to. I do wonder how much of a shock the working world and balancing work and childcare will be to their DD when they are older.

How do you know children would prefer a SAHP?

It would be equally ridiculous for me to say 'of course children would prefer a WOHP'.

I attend a private after school club through my work and many times the children beg to go when they cant go on a certain night. We have had parents whose parents had to pull kids out as they couldnt afford it cry on leaving. There arent that many children who dont want to be with their peers at school age unless very shy and introverted. I say that as someone who is never apart from her kids as well.

I'd be interested to see something that quantifies the claim that some posters on here magically know what most children would prefer?

Of course children would prefer a stay at home parent, absolutely they would.

And you've asked how many children this? My children loved it when I was working because they knew how important my job was to me. DD is 12 next week and I remember her going around and telling her friends about my new job and how fantastic it was and how proud she was of me!

She was also at nursery from 4 months until 3.5 (2 days a week) and she bloody loved it! I've been a SAHM for almost 9 years now. I'm miserable, we've no money and I hate the stigma of being 'a benefits scrounger' (thanks to however said that ) and the pressure I'm being put under now to take any job bloody going. I'd much rather be working, part-time hopefully, and my kids know and understand why it's important that I get a job.

Candy- that's the 6 million dollar question we never get an answer to

do you not think a lot of this stahm and working parenst thinking .. well I can do it so why not you ? my kids r better off so why aren't yours. I think we should all be bloody greatful for whatever we have and get over ourselves tbh

In your circumstances I think it's ok for a period of time. However, most people who are not supported by a partner or are able to support themselves shoul return to work and not live off the state. I presume you can only sahm due to benefits?

My children would prefer we didn't loose our home so I'm looking for a job.

OP, I am so sorry about your husband.

I think you are absolutely right about being at home for your children. You can see that it's the right thing to do as they are happy and secure with you being there for them.

The thing that annoys me though, is people presume you have the choice. I'm married, so if I was a SAHM nobody is offering me any benefits. And if I didn't work my DH could not afford to pay everything all by himself. Therefore, it makes financial sense for me to work. I think opinions like this are a bit of an insult to those who don't have a choice. (Although even if I did, I'd still work).

I want to work,we'd not be in penury if I didn't work
I want my dc to see woman working,participating
I don't want to enact a patriarchal set up ofman wage earner,Mum. At home

Interesting what kids will say when asked their opinion on this.

I've been offered two jobs this week.
One part time, between school hours
One full time, which can have some flexibilty but I can't take DD to school every day or pick her up every day.

At the moment, I have to drop her off at 6.45am on my way to work. She has been begging me to get another job because she doesn't like the early mornings.

I asked her yesterday, after I was offered the second job, what she thought.

Job 1 - no more early mornings, I can take her to school and pick her up every day but my wages will remain the same (i.e shit)

Job 2 - Early mornings, some after school clubs but we will have more money for day trips, holidays etc.

Guess what she said?

Job 2!

Oh I want to work.

We could manage on salary but it would be very tight.

But even if it didnt affect our budget at all I would still work.

It's not just about the money.

lol you made me want to ask mine and now she offended me a little bit haha

option 1 : I quit work and stay at home all the time , same money
option 2 : I stay at work and get the same money

her answer , no 2

why ,

" we need are space " lol

I think I would still work too if money wasn't a issue - not in my crappy current job but would put feet up and then train in a year and do much higher status job (which is ironically not as well paid as crap job initially...)

I could not stay at home ft - I get all neurotic

Brilliant answer!

I am actually quite cross that people on here seem to think they know what's good for other people's children by saying "many children would prefer a SAHP". It's terribly arrogant.