to think children don't really care about 'work ethics' and would prefer to have a SAHP?

[Mingnion]

Well aware I'm probably going to get mightily flamed for this but here goes...

I have a 6.5 year old and an 18 month old. My husband that supported us sadly died last year and I plan to stay at home and on benefits until my youngest is at school. I have a degree from Cambridge and will put in what I take out a hundred times over in the future no doubt. We do not have a lavish lifestyle but my children are adequately fed, dressed and are very happy which is more important IMO. Six months ago I found a part-time job and the impact on my children was massive. They were miserable at having to go to nursery and after school clubs and I was miserable as I missed them. Now they are inexplicably happy. I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics but realistically, do you really think children will care? I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP and in retrospect I'd have preferred my mum to have been home so her work ethics obviously didn't rub off on me. AIBU to think this way and plan to stay at home with my children until my youngest is school age?

Lem The OP is not being berated (by most people) for choosing to be a SAHM and claim benefits but because she thinks she is worthier than others because of her degree.

Breathes

Where does she say that candy?

She's also being berated for trying to tell WOHP that their children aren't as happy as they could be because really they want a SAHP

Nasty stuff. Seems she dishes it out but .....

Yes but janey it's one thing to disagree with that opinion, which I do, and have.
It is another to ridicule her degree, call her a scrounger and all the rest of it.

An opinion is an opinion, but this is the ops whole bloody life being ripped apart.

I find it really distasteful tbh.

I have purposely avoided ripping apart but actually piecing this together along with the other recent threads she's started I'm afraid I don't think this is a genuine OP tantrums.

I'm aware that in itself says a lot... Why does someone create a whole narrative simply to take a swipe at another group of people? I guess whoever the OP is, she's unhappy, frustrated or just plain bored and making mischief.

Btw tantrums, your posts are epic

T&B - I read the first and last page only so I can't comment on the intervening pages. However, she's an experienced poster who's been long enough in AIBU to know exactly how to phrase for maximum reaction. I don't think the reaction is something completely unexpected. That would be naive.

Nasty stuff -oh please.Me thinks you're projecting.

She said "most children would prefer a sahp" and I doubt she's wrong,most probably would.Yes many may like nursery or the childminder but I bet they'd prefer their own home and a parent taking them for a couple of hours to pre- school.Are we not allowed to acknowledge that to spare feelings?

Nurseries are supposed to provide cosy homelike corners for a reason.

Janey68 - we are different persons, right? :)

On the contrary our children know our job and are interested and chatty about it
They absolutely know the link between our earning and what we have as family
They value their working parents and talk about it in school and nursery

It depends on personality retropear I am the outgoing, talkative, social type and so are my kids do they suit nursery/group environments whereas introverts dont really.

OP says in retrospect would have preferred her mum to SAHM. So at the time it didn't matter.

no, the benefit system is not to help families, it is there to ensure that people have a roof over their heads and food in their bellies when they fall on 'hard times' (however you want to describe that). It was not set up to support able-bodied people make a choice about whether or not they work.

And LEM, my children 'lost their father'. He might not have died, but for a very long time he made a choice to not be a part of their lives. I had no choice, in my opinion, but to work to make sure they were provided for because there was no good reason that I could not work. I would have loved to have made the choice to be there for them but that simply wasn't an option. Why should it be different for the OP and her children? You seem to think I am without empathy for the loss of the OP's husband and what she must be going through - I am not. Not at all. Being on benefits whilst she gets herself organised and works out what to do next is fine. Choosing not to work for 3 1/2 years isn't. Are you saying that you're quite happy for ALL single parents to choose not to work as long as they have a child under school age?

And as a single parent, I get that childcare can be a massive problem and I also know that my own circumstances as a single parent are 'lucky' in that I own my own house outright and have financial back-up from my mum if the roof caves in or boiler blows up. But the bottomline is I still manage to get out of my house at 7:30am with three children under 10 and get to work on time, every day, and work until 5pm and then pick the children up again and do all the things that mum's do when their children come home from school. If I can do it,I struggle to see why other can't. And way too many - the OP included - are making flimsy 'but it's my entitlement' excuses to avoid facing up to their responsibilities towards society as a whole. Why should my children have missed out on time with their mum but others can make that choice who are equally as able to work as I am? I have no issue whatsoever with the benefit system being used for what it was meant for but everyone else needs to be out contributing unless they have private funds which enable them to support themselves.

Are you using children to postpone working?will you ever willingly work again
Why is it of relevance that it's Cambridge degree(as opposed to anywhere else)
Are you trying to establish or seek preferential status.dont work,but hey attended Cambridge?

LCHammer

Im so sorry about your husband. That is so so sad.

YANBU. Of course children don't care OR benefit at all IMO from their mother going out to work.

They are always better off with a parent at home. If I was a single parent Id live on benefits rather than work partly as Im lazy and partly as I believe its best for the children.

Utter rot.there's numerous empirical/social research children from waged households benefit
The measurable outcomes, eg educational,health are all higher in waged households
That's why govts try address unemployment as it's associated with poor sociology-economic and health outcomes

You know what LCHammer... Sometimes I'm tempted to post 'I'm a WOHM and I really thought I was doing the right thing, but my poor children have turned out unhappy, lacking in resilience, underachieving and unable to form secure relationships'. Because there are a small number of SAHM who I think would be really happy to hear that. Their fulfilment with their decision is dependent on believing that their children are going to somehow 'trump' other people's.

But sorry - I'm not gonna lie, my children are just great.

Unemployment is linked to poor education which is the biggest factor re a child's outcome.

The op is well educated.

Janey that is you thinking that,nobody else.

I always try and see the good in people, I guess. I don't know if the OP is genuine or not.
I do know that if my DH passed away and left me with 2 small children I would make use of whatever support is available to me, and one if those would be the benefits system, while I tried to get my DCs through quite possibly one of the most traumatic experiences of their lives.

That would be my priority, if they were unsettled and unhappy in childcare I would think it would be the most important thing to make them feel safe.

I don't believe that most DCs would prefer a SAHP, my DCs were not happy when I was out of work for 3 months, none of us were happy tbh.

The thing that gets to me is that it isn't all or nothing. DCs can be in child care but they still come home, it isn't like we never see them or spend time with them.

Like I said before my DCs appreciate the fact that my job contributes to our standard of living. They have never known anything else, it's normal to them.

And tbh I work because I enjoy it. Because it is a part of me, just as much as being a parent is part of me. Neither one is the only thing about me.

Unemployment increases the likelihood of other sociology-economic markers eg poor health,decreased education participation,
Op may have a degree but she's unemployed,not using her degree
Her social science training will inform her unemployment decreases life chances

elskov until you provide definitive proof rather than anectodal evidence, I will continue to believe that it is best for my family that I work.

And if you think laziness is an admirable attitude, you may want to consider what lessons you are teaching your DCs by SAH?

Elskov has a habit of popping up on threads with snide remarks that generally go against what the majority of posters are saying at any given time. Never offers anything useful or constructive. Only seems to be on MN to shit stir.

Lem at 11:13am today:-

"Yes, actually, I do believe that a Cambridge degree makes it more acceptable that I'm on benefits than someone with no qualifications, who is making no attempt to gain any or any experience or skills. My degree and work experience means I'll have a job which is better paid than someone who has no qualifications and skills and therefore am more likely to repay the money I rely on now. "