to think children don't really care about 'work ethics' and would prefer to have a SAHP?

[Mingnion]

Well aware I'm probably going to get mightily flamed for this but here goes...

I have a 6.5 year old and an 18 month old. My husband that supported us sadly died last year and I plan to stay at home and on benefits until my youngest is at school. I have a degree from Cambridge and will put in what I take out a hundred times over in the future no doubt. We do not have a lavish lifestyle but my children are adequately fed, dressed and are very happy which is more important IMO. Six months ago I found a part-time job and the impact on my children was massive. They were miserable at having to go to nursery and after school clubs and I was miserable as I missed them. Now they are inexplicably happy. I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics but realistically, do you really think children will care? I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP and in retrospect I'd have preferred my mum to have been home so her work ethics obviously didn't rub off on me. AIBU to think this way and plan to stay at home with my children until my youngest is school age?

I find it really quite offensive that someone who is fortunate enough to live in a country which will support their choice to stay at home and look after their children rather than go out and earn a living to support them comes on here and effectively lectures those of us who do go out and work to support not only our children but theirs as well with our taxes about how badly that is affecting our children.

And I say that only because of OPs attitude because generally I think it is lunacy to force single parents out to work when their children are small so they have to pay childcare, and in the OP's specific situation I am sure her children need to be with her more than other children might.

But, even so, her superior attitude to WOHPs and to other single parents on benefits, basically those without the luxury of choice about what they do with their children, frankly stinks.

BitOutOfPractice - I agree you get it on both sides! But yes, I have been told that I'm setting a poor example for them and 'overindulging' them when me going to work would help them 'get over' their dad dying

You typed 'imply' and your phone changed it to 'infer'?
No, I don't think so

MummyPigsFatTummy - it is not a superior attitude to believe that you may have a chance of getting a better job than someone who doesn't have a degree. Or else why bother going to University at all?

It's not really something that can be generalised. Some parents, single or otherwise, really have no choice whether they can work or not. For some parents, it might not be a purely financial issue, but might be the only way they can keep up their own sense of worth in order to be the happy parent their children need.

Sadly for you, in your case, not only have you lost your husband, your children have lost their father and I can understand them needing you around that little bit more. No one should criticise you for doing what works for you all.

I hate to say this but I find that really hard to believe

Anyway YANBU to think your situation suits you . YABVVU to assume that it would suit everyone. It's the kind of attitude that is almost designed to make other parents, who love their kids just as much as you love yours, feel shit about their choices.

I wish women would spend less time slagging off other women's choices in an attempt to justify their own and more time supporting their rights to choose what's best for them and their families.

Sorry, threads like this really grip my shit

"my mother told me I was infertile" !!! How on earth did you believe that one without medical tests?

Anyway, you sound like you have had a tough life and have come shining through. As you were homeless on and off from 15, I am guessing that your own mother's parenting skills were lacking. Perhaps that explains why you are keen to be a hands on, children first, mother yourself?

If you think having a degree is going to make you somehow much better suited to getting a job after being out of the work place for several years, than someone in the exact same position who doesn't have an Oxbridge degree, I think you are going to have an unpleasant shock in a few years. Especially since you admit you have no special talents and are not especially clever. I have a similar 1st class degree, but if I had done nothing with it for 5 years, it would be next to useless.

In terms of my own experience as a child, I my dad was away a lot (forces) and my mum worked shifts and was around most of the time when I was little, and enough of the time when I was older but that was back in the days when no one would blink at a child letting themselves into an empty house after school (I have an older sister too). My mum went to college and re-trained when I started secondary school, so was around even less then. What I learnt from that was that a) my mum trusted that I was a capable teenager who was sensible enough to look after myself when needed and that b) my mum is more than just my mother, she is a person with her own needs and desires and c) it is never too late in life to pursue your dreams. In my mind, that makes her a good role model.

It is exactly the kind of shite spouted by the OP that contributes to the crushing levels of guilt a lot of mothers feel about every choice they make, or the situations they have no choice over. If you don't want to work because your children need the stability of a SAHP after the loss of their father, I understand that. I think that's totally reasonable. Saying that you don't want to work because in your opinion most children would prefer to have a SAHP and to go out to work because you want to, is selfish, is unreasonable.

I don't think it's always so simple or clear cut. Yes, if asked my 2 year old would say she would prefer I stayed at home to look after her than went to work.

But she benefits massively from living where we do (rural with a garden and nice community) rather than the sort of place I could afford on benefits. She also benefits from me not worrying about money constantly, and having more time and energy for her as my need for adult interaction is fulfilled. She will also not be 2 forever, and there will come a time when she will want things (school trips, uni fees) that I will need to work to provide.

We're lucky that dp and I can both work fulltime and manage our hours around each other, so our dds are with one of us most of the time (and lovely dmil has the a day and a half a week). I think my dds benefit from having a closer relationship with dp and dmil, so should anything happen to me all their emotional eggs aren't in one basket, iyswim.

I don't think YABU to stay at home, but we all find a balance that works for us. Working works in my family.

what bitoutofpractice said.
Also draw a very strong distinction between what your children need (YOUR children, not children in general) and what they want. YOur OP talks about what they want - they quite probably want sweets for dinner and to go to bed at 9 but you're not going to go along with that (I assume)

it is not a superior attitude to believe that you may have a chance of getting a better job than someone who doesn't have a degree. Or else why bother going to University at all?

I didn't go to university to get a better job. I did it because I wanted the sheer luxury of three years studying the written word.

And you are disembowelling your own argument with this disingenuous 'of course I don't mean parents who don't want to'. Pick a line of argument and stick to it and defend it (come on, you're the one who is saying you have a Cambridge degree: presumably you had to do this every week?)

My DC would absolutely prefer me to be at home all the time. They'd also prefer not to go to school, to spend all day on Youtube, Minecraft and the Wii, to live in a house with a private football pitch and.... and....

I really think if you have a choice between working or staying at home, then go ahead and choose which one you think best for your family both now and in the future. Some people can't get a job, some people can't afford to stop work, everyone's different.

Having said that, OP, the small number of people made a single parent by being widowed deserve a break IMO so I would not feel bad about a couple of years at home. The Job Centre will be on your back soon enough unfortunately once your youngest gets to school. Hope you and your DC are getting on Ok.

OP
Are there any reasons you wouldn't work part time?

I think it can work brilliantly and can mean you don't have to be on benefits.

I don't think people should choose to be on benefits simply because they prefer it. Benefits should be for people who need if. It would be wonderful if the money could be targeted at those who are actually unable to work. There is not enough money to go around.

So the OP is almost 30 and has never really worked, is that right?

But she assumes she'll walk into a well paid job on the strength of an old degree?

Seriously?

Yes wordfactory, but remember it is CAMBRIDGE

wordfactory I get TONNES of work every week on the strength of my 1980s non-vocational degree

Oh. I see.

But presumably the OP intends to stay on benefits for, say, another ten years, by which time her degree will be 17 years old!

Riiiiiighhhhhht.

BitOut me too with my desmond from Lancaster, not even Russell Group.

I also think you are being naive about your chance of getting a job with little experience OP. As someone who has to read and filter a lot of job applications I would say you need to keep your skills current as well as (preferably) a foot in the workplace - and check out the difference between "work ethic" and "work ethics" in case you ever decide to use the phrase on a job application.

If you are firm in your decision to be a SAHM while your children are small PLEASE make sure you are also preparing yourself to return to the workplace, there are less jobs than applicants - you need to offer more than the ability to pass exams when you were young.

I hope my sarcasm was obvious word

No fucker gives a damn that I know about Renaisaance Venice and I suspect that the OP's degree, presumably nearly 10 years old, will be just as useful

as a complete fucker, bitout, I do give a damn about your renaissance venice knowledge and would happily talk Titian, doges, guilds and scuole with you until i was blue in the face (sadly I may not be able to hire you. Similar degree here. Had to go and get a real one afterwards)

Yours maybe. Not mine.

Judging from the way that DS2 stripped off his sleepsuit this morning while yelling "Nursery!" and "Mummy - work!" accompanied by firm pointing towards the car.

I can only assume he is gearing up to ask for something expensive for Christmas. I thought that at not-quite 2, we'd have at least one more Christmas before he got materialistic, but his brother has taught him all about the Argos catalogue...

Op

I think you should do what you think is best for your children. I don't understand why you are canvassing views in here...

FWIW i work because we need the money. I work weekends, evenings and nights and DP looks after the children. I work in a call centre.
I have colleagues with no formal qualifications and people with higher degrees even Phds (I have 2 degrees)

What we have in common is the need to work to earn money. The economic reality is that the cost of living is rising and job opportunities have shrunk.

I had a professional career and five years at home with my three children - when I tried to get back on the ladder my industry was making redundancies in any way it could. It still is. So I and many other people with qualifications are working in these jobs to pay the mortgage and power bill, and for me: new school shoes, winter coats, swimming lessons.

So for me it's not really about demonstrating a work ethic (although my children understand you have to work to pay for nice stuff and that involves mummy working xmas day) but more about showing the children real life.

I'm really sorry about your husband - you have the best reason in the world to stay at home for them. Just accept this and enjoy your children. It doesn't matter what any of us think.

Mingnion, the superior attitude I was referring to was not whether or not you believe you have a better chance of getting a better job than someone who doesn't have a degree. You may or may not be right about that and I don't really care either way.

The superior attitude I was referring to was the way you have come across on this thread as believing or making out you believe that you are a better person and doing better for your children by the choices you have made than are other people, whether they are WOHMs or non-Cambridge graduate single mothers on benefits.

Personally, I think in your situation your choice is probably the right one for you and your children at the moment but you should accept that you are fortunate to be able to make it by virtue of the benefit system we have here.

Just don't seek to validate that choice by putting down the choices (or non-choices in many cases) of other parents.