AIBU to think that family members shouldn't be god parents!

[Bellini28]

Basically our 2 week old has had her godparents sitting in wait since before conception. Very very close friends, particularly of DH. I should add that this is a concession I make to DH as I'm not a believer and if pushed consider myself an atheist. We now have a situation where Dh's sister (we live in different countries) is insisting god mother is her role and hers alone. They are devout Catholics and take this stuff very seriously. She doesn't seem willing to compromise and now we are left - or rather DH is - with the prospect of having to tell our lovely, like a sister to DH, friend that she cannot be god mother.... Incidentally we live in a country where this is taken very seriously.

I am staying on the sideline as I love all involved and feel this is Dh's mess to sort out. But I can't help but think that family is family and a god parent should be the family we have chosen ourselves... As in dear friends.

Thoughts on how to handle much appreciated.

Anyone who "insisted" that they were godmother/godfather would not be given the post if it was me.

If sets a bad example to the kids from the start. Godparents should be teaching them Christian/moral values such as, oh, humility, acceptance, patience etc.

My DS has recently been christened c of E age 6..He has two sets of God parents.

The whole point of a god parent is to guide, support them on a spiritual journey and there is only so much she can do in another country...I would put that as a point but also tell her so and so and so and so are also invited to be god parents..Let me know if you would also like to be a god parent..I wouldn't be entertaining the discussion with her. You have enough to do with a LO

I am Catholic and am having siblings - one from each side for our son's Christening next month. The reason being that I have seen friends come and go over the years and want people that will definitely be in our child's life.

However, I do think it is nicer to have close friends really because they are extra support for you and your child. I don't have any Catholic friends to fill this role.

Also... who assumes they are godparent????? That would really annoy me. Very, very rude.

I fell out with DS's "god" parent. Luckily he had two.

I personally don't like the idea of close relatives as godparents if there is more than one child (unless all the siblings have the same godparents). Part of a godparent's role is to take a special interest in the development and wellbeing of their godchild, more so than for their siblings. Part of a family member's role is IMO to treat the members of a sibling set equally. So I think that making a family member a godparent automatically sets up a tension between the two relationships.

We are Catholic (or rather my husband and kids, I am brought up Lutheran) and my sister, who is a Catholic (converted when she was 18) is the god mother of both our sons. In addition to this, I have my best friend (also Catholic) and my cousin who is a Christian but he is not a catholic. So 3 god parents. My eldest has my sister, my other cousin, and another friend of mine who is not religious at all, but a very good rolemodel and good childhood friend. So, both my children have 3 god parents.

DS has four godparents, two sets of married couples. I have never understood why one half of a married couple should be excluded from being a godparent. My DH has godchildren that I am not a godparent to, but realistically I have been more involved with them than he ever has been. One of the couples we chose would have legal responsibility for DS if anything happened to us. The other couple are much younger than us (son of friends and his wife) and they are more in touch with DS's age group than we are.

You can have more than one (viz. Prince George) and it's very normal to have family members.

DS has two godmothers (my BF and my SIL) and one godfather (good friend). So does DD (my DSis and a good friend, and another good male friend).

AnAdventure - or raises the attention/concern given to all parties of a sibling set? In real life no-one made a godparent would ever act the way you describe. The baptism service nowhere mentions a requirement to show favouritism.

Op-Your SiL will be telling you how to bring up your DD too.

Start as you mean to go on and make it clear that a) you make all decisions about DD and b) she already has a special role as auntie and you want non relatives for godparents for reasons stated by others already.

If she doesn't like it she can lump it.

I love your stance with your hubby. I'm a humanist if anything and wouldn't stand up in church to make a promise I had no intentions if keeping to bring them up to be religious.

So I told my hubby i had no objections to having DD christened and making that promise for himself.

If he'd chosen to get her christened, it would have been up to him to sort out the ceremony details and I support him by being in the congregation and going the party celebrations!

As it was, he was happy to allow DD to make that decision for herself.

You could run the idea of having more god parents by him but reinforce that this is his show and it's up to him to sort out.

My children don't have godparents but if someone demanded to be one like your SIL has then I would say no because they had been so rude. Have the people you want as godparents.

She wants the gig all to herself.

That's not a very Christian attitude!

My aunt (one of Dad's sisters) insisted that she was to be my Godmother, apparently it was her "right"...this involved my other aunt (Mum's sister) agreeing to step away, having originally been selected. In 36 years I have not had so much as a birthday card from her; she wanted the title but not the responsibility. Other aunt has been unfailingly kind to me my whole life, and is now unfailingly kind to my own child. Godmother has never even acknowledged he exists. She was, and remains, an entitled, bossy, self promoting cow who bulldozes everyone out of the way to suit herself.

Choose a Godmother who you trust to care for your child, not one who just wants the bragging rights. If her nose is out of joint, tough. You don't get to force your choices on other people regarding their children.

God parents are your choice, not your SIL. You and DH must put your foot down and tell her no you will not let her dictate who your child's godmother is. The way she has gone about it alone would mean a no for me.

We're Catholic - been told that only two godparents can be registered on the baptism certificatde and any "extras" are unofficial. I think C of E is different?

But you choose the Godparents. My children's Godparents are not family. I'm not sure why you would consider giving in to this selfish and unreasonable demand - it's not the sort of Godparent I'd want for my child. Just say no, God parents have already been asked and chosen, end of. If you're feeling very generous, give her the option of bei9ng inclued as an "extra" Godmother.

I thought the normal convention was for 3 godparents - 2 of the same gender as the child?

I personally don't think you should have close family members as godparents, but only because my (non-religious) idea of a godparent is an adult who will have an influence on the upbringing of the child.

I would always assume that mine and DPs siblings will do that anyway, so picking godparents is an opportunity to bring extra people into that fold.

Your SIL is looking at this through very religious eyes though, so will see it differently. It also sounds like she has a bit of a superiority complex about her religious influence being far more valuable than anything anyone else could bring to the party!

In real life no-one made a godparent would ever act the way you describe.

Which way I describe? IME in real life it's very common for a non-related godparent to show a particular interest in their godchild above and beyond any siblings. It's much less common (indeed, frowned upon) for a related godparent to do so. So IME a child who gets related godparents when his/her siblings have non-related godparents does lose out.

As far as I am aware, more than two godparents is a C of E thing . Am Irish and Catholic and had never come across it before attending C of E baptisms in this country.

What is making my jaw drop is the SIL insisting on being godmother. Being asked to be a godparent is an honour, not a right. I have never in my life encountered someone who got vocal about being passed over and kicked up an actual fuss. She may well be genuinely disappointed, but should have the decency to keep it to herself, and perhaps hope to be godmother to a subsequent child.

She would be getting short shrift from me, I fear. The OP is already compromising in going along with a baptism.

My sil tried yo insist she would be God Mother when ds1 was born - she's not.
She also tried to insist that I went back to work. And she would provide free child care. She even went so far as to ask her employer (she was a nanny) if she could bring my ds to work! needless to say, this didn't happen either.

As it was, ds1 had 2 GodFathers and 1 GodMother (all friends) One of his Gfs passed away, and I haven't heard from his gm for 3 years now.

Ds2 had 1 of each, his gm passed away (we seem to have bad luck) and his gf has become sonethigf of a recluse, he hasn't left the house in nearly a year and always makes excuses for us not to go there :(

Originally I said 'no' to family, as I didn't want to show favouritism, and my logic was that they already have a 'special' relationship with the child. If I had another baby, I'd ask my brother and his wife (not the sil mentioned above!)

Op your sil sounds like a nightmare!

I am a Catholic, I have one GM and one GF. Both family. seems odd to me that you would have NON family members as GParents.

I thought 2 of the same gender of the baby and 1 of the other was usual.

What I'd say to sil (if you want to be reasonably nice to her, which you may not!) is that you;ve already asked your friends, if she would like to be godmother with them, that's fine, otherwise, no thatnks because you've already asked them.

I can't get over you saying your DH's sister is not willing to compromise like its up to her??!
I wouldn't have her as a Godmother now even if you were going to have several godmothers!

I agree there is no should or shouldn't about this - except that she shouldn't think she can "insist" on being a godparent if that isn't your choice. Nobody has right to be a godparent, never mind sole godparent.

My dd has two family members as godparents and one very old friend of mine. I will probably choose family members for expected ds although not entirely sure.

Alot of people do use family members. If you do choose friends they should be friends that you are reasonably sure you will not lose touch with over the years (sure you wouldn't do that but my parents did!).

Please don't tell your friend that she can't now be godmother. If you think it saves hassle, have two godmothers, but you don't need to ask sis unless you want to. You could just tell her that you have decided family is family and don't need to be godparents as well as already special to the baby. If she is asked, dh should tell her that she needs to behave and not make things awkward for you or your friends on the day!

My godmother is my mum sister who I was close to until 5 years ago (so early 30s). We used to have a special bond.

My 1st brother's godparent was friends with my parents and we never saw them as they moved to Cyprus. They did have a lovely boat we went on once.

My second brother's is my uncle. They are still pretty close but have their moments. Mainly close due to love of football.

I wouldn't cave into your sil's demands. What a silly cow.