AIBU to think that family members shouldn't be god parents!

[Bellini28]

Basically our 2 week old has had her godparents sitting in wait since before conception. Very very close friends, particularly of DH. I should add that this is a concession I make to DH as I'm not a believer and if pushed consider myself an atheist. We now have a situation where Dh's sister (we live in different countries) is insisting god mother is her role and hers alone. They are devout Catholics and take this stuff very seriously. She doesn't seem willing to compromise and now we are left - or rather DH is - with the prospect of having to tell our lovely, like a sister to DH, friend that she cannot be god mother.... Incidentally we live in a country where this is taken very seriously.

I am staying on the sideline as I love all involved and feel this is Dh's mess to sort out. But I can't help but think that family is family and a god parent should be the family we have chosen ourselves... As in dear friends.

Thoughts on how to handle much appreciated.

Sorry OP I didn't quite understand about your DH's sister. If that is the case tell her to get lost. You are bending over backwards to accommodate but she is still not happy - does she have kids of her own? She reminds me a bit of my sister in law who felt we had to consult her on every aspect of child rearing. Nip it in the bud and stand your ground. It seems that her own selfish needs are more important than those of your daughter.

She is being absolutely ridiculous to suggest that she is the only one. She should be honoured if she was considered, not demand it. It's meant to be to guide your child in faith - how can she do that from a different country on a day to day basis? Tell her she has to share the role and that's that.

With everyone else in that it is up to you, but obviously there are family politics involved.
Why would your dh rather upset the friend than the sister?
Personally I would tell the sister that godparents are your choice as the baby's parents, and are already decided.
If she continues to push I would tell her that while you appreciate her offer you have already made you decision, and then if she still continues I would tell her that the characteristics she is displaying in this matter aren't ones which you value in a godparent.
But I am typing on a page, not living with the consequences!

Personally, I prefer to have family members as god parents. I know of so many people who don't know/never see their god parents because they fell out with the parents.

But nobody has the right to demand to be a god parent. You should be the one making the decisions about YOUR child!

(It's an issue we're having here again with DC#2, I don't really like organised religion but DH and the parents want a christening so I concede that one. I win other battles ;))

My DS has four godparents! That's more due to circumstances than planning though. We all have family members (Catholic) but friends are fine too. You must have who you want. What kind of weirdo demands to be a godparent?

I understood that it was usual to have two godparents of the same sex as the child and one of the opposite sex - seems to be standard in my family and with friends.

Sister is being a spoiled brat.

If she wants to fulfil the role of Godmother she can do that whether anyone else has the title or not.

Get DH to ask her what she actually plans to do as Godmother and tell her that her selfish attitude isn't very Christian.

3 godparents. A girl has 2 godmothers and a godfather, a boy has 2 godfathers and a godmother. Never just one, I always think if they have 4 that the parents didn't have the guts to say no to someone.

I am godmother to 2, a friend and a family member.

Sil already has a very important role, can't you sell it to her that Aunt trumps Godmother? ;)

I have two godmothers and two godfathers, all from 4 separate families. One is a cousin of mum, two are long time friends and one a long time colleague. As well as for their good qualities as people, they were Picked for family bond, horse knowledge, medical knowledge and financial/business knowledge, so if my mum died (single parent as dad left before I was born) I would have people who could bring me up well with her interests and support me in all areas of my welfare. Not religious (atheist family) but pragmatic!

Pick whomever you want!

It's not about her. Does she think her role will be diminished if there are other godparents or something?! How selfish.

"No" is a whole sentence.

Don't back down over who you want she either compromises does the normal thing or not at all.
Why does she want all the limelight?

We had two sets of Godparents for each of our DC. One family set, one friends set.

There is clearly a whole lot of backstory here, otherwise I just don't get why you are pandering to her! It's not up to her! Either she gets to share or she doesn't get to be a godmother. I'm assuming, sadly, this decision would cause WW3 to break out in DHs family?

im Godmother to my eldest niece. My sister in laws sister was also asked because shes Catholic whereas im not. its not something I particularly think of first and foremost Im an auntie.

I sent my niece a God daughter card and present for her christening. I also sent a God daughter card for her first communion other than that she gets 'niece' cards same as her wee sister.

while I was totally honoured to be asked to be GM Im prouder of the fact Im her favourite auntie

She's an aunt, that top trumps god parent and therefore I wouldn't ask her to be god p.

Not her choice, not Christian not to share so tell her no.

I think you should change the title of this post to "aibu to think that my SIL shouldn't be god parent" if that were the title then YANBU

To suggest that family members shouldn't be godparents well of course YABU

The fact that she is making such a forceful issue out of it, and wont compromise is proof enough that she is not God parent material at all, in my view.

Does she believe that the children go to live with God parents in case something happens to you, like a legal guardianship?

Also, if the sister lives in a different country, how is she proposing to fill the role of a god parent, which is to help in the childs religious up bringing?

I would say she gets to be godparent with your friends. In the interest of the child she/he has one godparent who is family, and one who lives in the same country as the child.

If sister does not like that, she does not have to be godparent.

But, this is your dhs battle. His religion, his sister, and his friend. So your role is to advice him, but stay away from arguing with his sister, nothing good will come out of that!

Two godmothers is normal. I vaguely thought a girl has two godmothers and a godfather, a boy the other way around (unless they're very grand or royal, in which case more).

Personally I find the idea of close relatives as godparents rather incestuous and odd but I realise plenty of people think it's normal. I think family members already have a defined relationship and role and it adds little, or even diminishes the godparent role to make them that too.

To me, the point of a godparent is to give the child their very own relationship with an adult who has a unique relationship to them. Someone who offers a different perspective and a person to turn to, especially when they cannot talk to their parents or close family, or when family is the problem.

I suppose it depends what you think a godparent is for. I think they are supposed to be some sort of influence and mentor. The people I've named in my will to take dd if we die are different, they are relatives.

Your SIL is being a silly mare in the manger. She is already a very special aunt. She does not sound like a good influence or role model.

Is she getting caught up in the premise that the godparent might be the first in line for parental duties, should the need arise, and is staking her claim in this regard?

I was baptised Catholic with two godparents, a maternal aunt and paternal grandfather. The maternal aunt almost certainly would have been a top contender as guardian, should anything have happened to my parents.

I am a 'guideparent' to two sisters, the daughters of our closest friends. I established with Mum, very early on, what she was imagining would happen with the girls, should it become necessary to make those choices.

Some people take this role very seriously and view it as an honour and a measure of the respect you have for the 'chosen' people. Your SIL is having a tantrum about this. Or she wants to get her mitts on your little one

Have multiple godparents, if it's allowed. You might note that some churches require further official duties from godparents (as sponsor for the child's later confirmation), so check you have a suitable person for this!

Why on earth would you cave in to her demands?

Either two godmothers (if you want, and that's pretty usual). Or you have your own choices.

What on earth is the problem?

Lord OP, cave to this and you'll be caving for ever to your ILs,time to set out your stall, you are the mother, you get to make the decisions now.

"SIL, [friend] is being DD's godmother. You are welcome ot also be a godmother if you want to be, but we are not changing our minds about [friend]. It's your choice if you want to be godmother or not, do let us know by XXX so we can let the priest know."

It doesn't matter if she's not willing to compromise, she seems to think (and you've given her the impression) this is something she gets to hae a say in, she can only say if she wants to be a godmother or not if you ask her. If she turns down being GM because it's joint with soemone else, fine, but you keep reminding her and all hte family you asked her but she declined.