That MIL hasn't kept my pregnancy secret?

[superlambanana]

I am 8wks pregnant. We have told parents, siblings and a few close friends. My work also knows as I've been really ill with morning sickness.

MIL is one of five close siblings, who we have yet to tell until I've had my scan and we know everything is okay. My grandparents don't know yet either (partly as my grandma can't keep a secret bless her). I was worried MIL wouldn't keep it from her siblings but DH told me she can be absolutely trustworthy and wouldn't if we asked them to promise not to.

Apparently DH's aunt asked MIL straight out and MIL didn't feel she could lie. I haven't made a big deal at all - haven't really said anything as ILs are generally nice and have been very helpful, but we do have massive differences of opinion on things sometimes which can make things difficult. However I am really upset about it, firstly because I think it was rude of the aunt to even ask (surely she'd realise that if we wanted to tell we would?!), I'm hurt that MIL broke her promise, I feel bad that DH's aunt knows and my lovely grandparents don't, and also I'm upset because it was our news and it has taken the shine off a bit.

It's our first, and I'm already stressing about things going wrong, which is why we decided not to tell in case I MC'd. DH has a big, close family and I now suspect that the others will find out and we won't have anyone left to tell.

AIBU? Is it just the pregnancy hormones? Or am I right to be upset about this?

YANBU. I'd be livid. It's your news, and unless you make it perfectly clear you're happy to share it, anyone who is lucky enough to be taken into your confidence should respect that and not gossip about it. It's too late now in some respects, but could you say to MIL (and the aunt) that you're disappointed that you won't get to break the news at the right time without everyone already knowing, as it is your news after all, your baby etc... Maybe that will stop them spreading it further so you will still have some people left to surprise.

I also think MIL could easily have dodged that question from the aunt - 'well, I was wondering that myself' or 'oh, I couldn't possibly speculate' would have done just fine! No need to outright confirm or deny - easy enough even to just say that she has been asked not to talk about that sort of thing at all (as in, you might be trying, you might not, you might already be pregnant, or not).

I think that's a bit harsh, hallofmirrors. I see PIL nearly every day - there's no way I could hide my sickness from them, and we also thought it would be nice for them to know. I don't want the attention - not wanting attention while I'm throwing up everywhere and still not past the stage where things are more likely to go wrong is exactly the reason I wanted to keep it quiet. If something goes wrong I couldn't stand the sympathy and having to explain things. I don't want to discuss my pregnancy with anyone but very close family and friends at the moment (random internet strangers are a bit different ).

I think if you want to keep something secret you need to not tell anyone! I would find it very hard to lie about something like that if asked directly by my sister! I could probably say something evasive - but that would be as good as admitting the truth!
It's only really parents and sibling who will be really excited for you - Aunts etc will be pleased, but not in a here's your Christmas present way.
My DB has just told parents and siblings that they are 8 weeks pg, and while we are all delighted tbh we'd really rather not have known till they'd had their scan and we could be more fully and openly excited.

hmm. But would you go out of your way to mention that your DIL has been throwing up for 3 weeks in order that your sister would ask you?

You see your PIL almost every day?!?

I sympathise. My mother is an excellent pregnancy guesser. She has always twigged when us daughters were pregnant, in the very earliest days, but never told anyone. It's not her news to tell.

And all this not wanting to lie, hard to keep it quiet stuff is nonsense, to me. All your MIL had to say to her sister was 'Oh, I don't know about that' and move on.

But yes, you did tell too many people, really, and too early I think.

Yes Dontmind - they live very close. it does mean that I no longer have to spend days at a time staying at their house

Your comment yesterday:

Several of my best friends have MC'd and I've seen the effect it has had on them. I'm worried enough without having to tell DH's entire (huge) family if something goes wrong - I don't think I could stand the 'are you okay?' I know that sounds ungrateful, and I don't mean it to, I just didn't want the possibility of having to deal with it.

has been bothering me OP. And I think I am going to come out and say it.

You do understand that a 12 week scan doesn't mean you are home free don't you? Miscarriages happen after 12 weeks (very sadly). Or you could be in the position of suddenly getting a call to say that you are high risk for Edward's syndrome or whatever. I know a lot of the risk has gone after 12 weeks, but you've talked about not even wanting the possibility of having to deal with telling people about bad news. If you feel like that, you might want to hold off as long into the pregnancy as possible before telling people, rather than making a big announcement to aunts, uncles, etc immediately after the 12 week scan.

I hope it all goes well for you.

But you didn't tell your grandparents because you knew they would blab and you had the same suspicions about MIL, you'd knew she'd never lie to her siblings either. No one takes "promising" about keeping pregnancies secret seriously, least not in families, especially not if you have a big mouth gossiper in your midst.

OP, I think I would be making it known to your MIL that you and your DH are pretty sad at having the chance to tell your good news to family members taken from you. And a well-placed comment on 'learning your lesson' on who to trust with more personal family issues might get your MIL thinking. Put very nicely of course.

Good luck with your pregnancy!

OlidusUrsus "No one takes "promising" about keeping pregnancies secret seriously, least not in families, especially not if you have a big mouth gossiper in your midst."

They most certainly do. You may not, but I would never dream of telling someone's news if they had asked me not to, and even if they hadn't I would ask before sharing with someone unless I knew it was common knowledge. I think it's a shame that people are apparently unable to appreciate when they have been trusted with news that has been shared in confidence. I would be saddened to think that my family not only couldn't understand that but would think that I shouldn't even expect them to keep their lips buttoned even if specifically asked to.

Yanbu. You ave got MIL's numer now though so just work at keeping her at arm's length. I would never let her get too close to my children or me. With family like this you don't need enemies!

Agree with DoJo. Im horrified that there are whole families like that.

Olidus I had my suspicions but DH believed his mum and I trust him (this is in no way his fault, incidentally, and he is as disappointed as I am).

Penguins I'm well aware of that - one of my friends lost their baby in the third trimester. I was just trying to minimise the chances of having to tell everyone if it went wrong - which is presumably why most people tell nobody, or only close family, until after twelve weeks.

Thanks DoJo

I wouldn't blab to anyone DoJo don't have anyone to blab to anyway. Yes in an ideal world OP could tell who she wanted and they would keep their lips sealed - but MIL has form for blabbing so I just think OP should have seen it coming.

Anyway, hope your pregnancy goes smoothly and you can enjoy telling everyone else soon.

YANBU.

I don't understand some people thinking it's OK to blab if they're asked outright. How can you tell anyone anything in confidence, if they'll tell all if someone rudely enquires directly about it?

There are ways of avoiding the question. "Why is she ill, is she pregnant?" "I'm not able to say why she's unwell" "Oh she's pregnant then?" "I didn't say that, and I can't answer yes or no to any of your questions".

Ok. I was just trying to help. Actually for a lot of people the risk of later complications is the reason they don't make a big 12 week announcement but actually tell people a lot later. Certainly for us I'm 18 weeks and only a handful know- though people who see me a lot will be starting to guess.

Sorry Penguins, I didn't mean to come across as being grumpy! I meant that I completely understand what you're saying and I'd thought of that. Hope your pregnancy goes well.

YANBU. The words 'X is pregnant' when someone has specifically told me not to tell anyone would never leave my mouth, I couldn't comprehend even thinking about telling such a big secret of someone elses, because I've had it done to me and its horrible. It's like their cheap little thrill is more important than respecting my privacy. It's like, you should be touched I told you such sensitive information in the early stages of my child's fragile life, you selfish wanker!

People will probably say on here 'You shouldn't tell people if you don't want people to know' but honestly, it really isn't hard not to flap your gums if you at least try.

But maybe I'm just loyal like that.

You too OP. I wasn't intending to be grumpy either. My SIL had a late missed miscarriage and whenever I hear people saying things which sound as if they think 12 weeks is all the worry over I feel very over protective of making sure that they understand.