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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That MIL hasn't kept my pregnancy secret?

96 replies

superlambanana · 19/11/2013 20:42

I am 8wks pregnant. We have told parents, siblings and a few close friends. My work also knows as I've been really ill with morning sickness.

MIL is one of five close siblings, who we have yet to tell until I've had my scan and we know everything is okay. My grandparents don't know yet either (partly as my grandma can't keep a secret bless her). I was worried MIL wouldn't keep it from her siblings but DH told me she can be absolutely trustworthy and wouldn't if we asked them to promise not to.

Apparently DH's aunt asked MIL straight out and MIL didn't feel she could lie. I haven't made a big deal at all - haven't really said anything as ILs are generally nice and have been very helpful, but we do have massive differences of opinion on things sometimes which can make things difficult. However I am really upset about it, firstly because I think it was rude of the aunt to even ask (surely she'd realise that if we wanted to tell we would?!), I'm hurt that MIL broke her promise, I feel bad that DH's aunt knows and my lovely grandparents don't, and also I'm upset because it was our news and it has taken the shine off a bit.

It's our first, and I'm already stressing about things going wrong, which is why we decided not to tell in case I MC'd. DH has a big, close family and I now suspect that the others will find out and we won't have anyone left to tell.

AIBU? Is it just the pregnancy hormones? Or am I right to be upset about this?

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 19/11/2013 22:15

I think YABU.

Telling so many people, it's not surprising it got out.

I wouldn't be able not to say, if asked directly.

Workberk · 19/11/2013 22:17

My MIL told loads of her friends (we started getting cards in the post from them!) and my sister posted it on Facebook when I'd purposefully not put anything on there myself.

Wasn't massively impressed by either but in the grand scheme of things it wasn't a big deal, given my pregnancy was straightforward.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 19/11/2013 22:25

I don't think YABU. Everyone knows we are having a baby, but MIL has been sharing information about the baby that we are just not ready to share. Theres nothing much we can do about it. DP is seriously pissed off though. Thankfully the person she told is discreet. If I find out its gone any further, I might lose it.
I think you just need to speak to the Aunt and tell her to keep quiet, and DH needs to talk to his mother.

Blu · 19/11/2013 22:26

It sounds as if you have raised the currency of the news very high . The people who are usually most happy are your parents, and you have already told them, so no Christmas surprise there. Aunts to be usually pleased etc but it isn't quite the same.

Since you told so many people (I didn't tell a soul. Not even my mum until after my scan) just enjoy telling your GPs now, get in with enjoying your pregnancy and put it down to experience .

TooTryHard · 19/11/2013 22:28

Yanbu. Lesson learnt. Pils did this to us once and have been the last to find out important news since.

My own mother has luckily never been first to get her hands on big news and this is exactly why.

olidusUrsus · 19/11/2013 22:33

I think YABU. If you'd told just parents I'd have sympathy, but you told quite a large group of people really and it was bound to get out - especially if you already had concerns that one of them had a big gob.

BrightestStarInTheSky · 19/11/2013 22:33

yANBU

With my second DC we found out when MIL was with us so she was the first to know. Me and DH asked her over and over again to please keep it to herself as I wanted to surprise my parents. Two hours later I had a phone call from my sister saying MIL had put our news all over Facebook. My mum then phoned really upset that everybody knew before her. We didn't have the chance to tell anybody. MIL really ruined the whole excitement of telling people as it was all over the internet straight away!
Other things like this are the reason we don't see her anymore.

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairy · 19/11/2013 22:50

MIL without a doubt led the conversation so she could tell.

tbh rather than having it out with her I would just say she won't have to worry about lying in the future because (it's not a problem) you won't put her in that position again

escorpion · 19/11/2013 22:55

OMG I feel your pain!! My MIL is the biggest gobshite ever, and unfortunately, DH can´t keep secrets from her. She told the whole town about my pregnancy just after I found out, unfortunately she had to tell them all that I lost the pregnancy too :( With my other miscarriage she was also a nightmare, wanting to know all the details. If I get pregnant again she is not going to know!

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 19/11/2013 22:56

I don't think who the OP has told is an issue. You tell people who you trust and who will support you. MIL has broken that trust. Nobody else has.

Tinpin · 19/11/2013 23:16

If you want to keep a pregnancy a secret then don't tell anyone. It is too big a secret for many people to keep especially future grandparents. You have told people because you are excited and can't wait to tell them and that is exactly how they feel. You are actually asking people to do something you haven't been able to do yourself. A new baby joining a family is the very best news. Congratulations!

Seriously2712 · 19/11/2013 23:45

Yanbu!
Had similar happen to me! V.upsetting/frustrating at the time!!!

ll31 · 20/11/2013 07:29

Yabvu, thinking she lied as she didn't keep news quiet? You told too many people,probably they've all told others

DontmindifIdo · 20/11/2013 08:49

I think those saying the OP told too many people to keep it a secret aer being unfair, the only person who went round telling people was the OP's MIL, most couples even if they tell no one else, tell both sets of parents. If it was friends who'd told, then fair enough, but parents are normally the first to be let into the secret.

From now on, remember you are never just telling her anything. It's sad, but I don't ask my mum for advice (if she knows my problems, they are then discussed generally), I limit what information she has, she's never the first to know stuff anymore. My MIL can keep a secret so she is told things.

liquidstate · 20/11/2013 09:11

I understand your frustration (am 7 weeks pregnant with my first). I know this would happen with my mum so have not told anyone except my workplace who are allowing me to work from home fortunately. I am also used to missing the odd family event due to my workload so this is the excuse we are using.

Am hoping the sickness becomes more bearable over Christmas so I can cope with the socialising.

IAlwaysThought · 20/11/2013 09:16

I would have found it difficult to lie to the Aunt if ii were in your MIL shoes.

If you want to keep a secret you shouldn't tell anyone. It is the only way
However, I can see why this would be irritating especially as you are so early.

DontmindifIdo · 20/11/2013 09:24

Well, I'd question why the MIL had to share the news the OP had been throwing up, it was clearly leading to a "gosh, is she pregnant?" question - most people would assume a woman throwing up daily for 3 weeks was pregnant. To me, the MIL was clearly dropping hints in a hope someone would guess and then she'd be "forced" to say - my mum does that too when she's got a secret. DB and I don't bite anymore, it drives her insane, until finally she'll say "ok, well don't tell them I told you but...." and then blabs whatever it is.

DoJo · 20/11/2013 09:40

I'm always surprised on threads like this that people take the sharing of secrets so lightly - if I ask someone not to tell anyone a piece of news, I would expect them to respect that. It's a shame that so many MN-ers are surrounded by friends and family that they simply can't trust to keep their secrets, but it sounds as though those who wouldn't be surprised at someone sharing their news would also have no qualms about passing on others' secrets as well, so I suppose it works both ways.

Retroformica · 20/11/2013 09:44

Your MiL could have just not answered the question. She wasn't forced to tell anyone. Next time don't tell her till 20 weeks.

Retroformica · 20/11/2013 09:46

Your MIL basically broke your confidence. That makes her untrustworthy.

Retroformica · 20/11/2013 09:47

If someone asks me to keep a secret, I do.

higgle · 20/11/2013 09:47

My rule when I was pregnant was to tell no one at all until after scan.
If you tell anyone at all except your DP/DH you can be sure it will go further.

1charlie1 · 20/11/2013 09:50

YANBU. I'm pregnant, and well before the 12 week scan told my DPs and my two best friends - the people from whom I would have sought support had I MCd. Telling 'so many people' didn't give them them carte blanche to spread the news about. And they didn't, because they're the people in my life who have my back. Someone earlier in the thread mentioned that they were super close to their sibling, so news is automatically shared even if it's a 'secret'. Well, my DM is an identical twin, the two of them are on the phone multiple times a day - and there's no way she would ever mention anything I asked her not to. She's like a vault... a great quality in a mum, and a MIL!

We also told my DH's DPs. Even though we didn't want the pregnancy announced due to it being early on in the proceedings (and my SIL had recently MCd at about 7 weeks - I only knew my SIL was pregnant because MIL had told me, even though it was a secret...) we had to tell them because we see them a lot, and I was vomiting all the time, could only eat about three things, lost a lot of weight and looked horrendous. There's really only so many times over the course of several weeks that you can say 'I've got a stomach bug... yeah still got it.'

It's a shame your MIL shared the news of your being ill for weeks- it's a bit of a code for early pregnancy. But if it's her son's first baby, she might have been unable to contain herself when it came to her sister. Annoying though, I agree. You can decide next time (if there is one) what to do in this situation, now that you know she has nosey siblings/ is indiscreet! Then MIL and her siblings can speculate together, and you can better govern the 'information flow'.

Chattymummyhere · 20/11/2013 09:54

Yanbu she shouldn't of told anyone but this is the exact reason even my own mum only found out because I got caught with my bounty bag and she asked me and I couldn't lie but she told no one!

I don't think we told mil till after the scan, both sets know nothing about my mc's though

Hallofmirrors · 20/11/2013 10:17

IMHO, you've brought this situation on yourself.

You wanted to have a 'secret' to enjoy and look forward to and at the same time wanted the attention that a pregnant woman gets (and rightly so). In doing so, you told an awful lot of people so it's not really a secret anymore.

When your mil was asked she had to either a) lie to her sister who would know that as soon as you tell everyone about the baby at Christmas or b) let you down by giving your news away. Neither was a satisfactory option.

Add to that the fact that if you've been with your dp any length of time, no-one will be very surprised when you announce your pregnancy.

Next time, don't tell anyone other than you dp unless you are happy for them to mention it. Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy.

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