That MIL hasn't kept my pregnancy secret?

[superlambanana]

I am 8wks pregnant. We have told parents, siblings and a few close friends. My work also knows as I've been really ill with morning sickness.

MIL is one of five close siblings, who we have yet to tell until I've had my scan and we know everything is okay. My grandparents don't know yet either (partly as my grandma can't keep a secret bless her). I was worried MIL wouldn't keep it from her siblings but DH told me she can be absolutely trustworthy and wouldn't if we asked them to promise not to.

Apparently DH's aunt asked MIL straight out and MIL didn't feel she could lie. I haven't made a big deal at all - haven't really said anything as ILs are generally nice and have been very helpful, but we do have massive differences of opinion on things sometimes which can make things difficult. However I am really upset about it, firstly because I think it was rude of the aunt to even ask (surely she'd realise that if we wanted to tell we would?!), I'm hurt that MIL broke her promise, I feel bad that DH's aunt knows and my lovely grandparents don't, and also I'm upset because it was our news and it has taken the shine off a bit.

It's our first, and I'm already stressing about things going wrong, which is why we decided not to tell in case I MC'd. DH has a big, close family and I now suspect that the others will find out and we won't have anyone left to tell.

AIBU? Is it just the pregnancy hormones? Or am I right to be upset about this?

YANBU at all. Especially with your first. Anyway, she'll be hoisted with her own petard, as she'll only find out with everyone else next time. I think it's more than reasonable, esp. with your m/c concerns, to have expected those you trusted with the secret to have kept it. DH has an Aunt ilke this, who has broken news to his Grandfather before he has had the chance because his DF was keen to tell his DSis (they have a very small family). Grrr!

Someone who asks directly will NO WAY take that kind of hint OP. That kind of person doesn't ask.

No I'm a rubbish liar. I never do it! I'd just not mention that they'd been ill - it's not like we see them.

I suppose I'm upset because I always take promises at face value (and I do think that lying about something like this, that you will then retract in four weeks and won't hurt anyone and I'm quite sure they would understand, is slightly different).

But, Basgetti, the MiL engineered the situation by telling the Aunt she (the Op) had been ill!

If you wanted to keep it a secret then you need to tell no one and keep it quiet.

YANBU - but now you know, you tell her something, she won't keep it quiet. My mum's the same, she told everyone each time I got pregnant. Apparently dad thought it was 'mean' of me to say that she had to tell everyone she'd told that I was pregnant when I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. My view is I'd only told people I was comfortable telling I'd lost the baby. Everyone she'd told were her problem and I didn't think I should have to be calling around/e-mailing extended family. When I got pregnant a 3rd time, I didn't tell my mum until after the scan. Apparently again she was upset I kept it from her and didn't understand why I'd done that...

So next pregnancy, she knows nothing until you are ready for it to become public knowledge. You tell her something, you rae telling everyone.

YANBU. But you have kearned your lesson with MIL. Definitely tell her, let her see you are hurt and angry and tell her you won't be sharing any more news with her.
I would expect my parents to keep this secret.
One of my friends told me in July she was PG and just did her announcemnt at Halloween. I hadn't told anyone.

DO NOT tell her if the baby is a boy or a girl. (Or tell her the wrong one!)

YANBU. I can understand why you are upset.

Op, if it makes you feel any better, my mil announced our pregnancy to the world via facebook, to saw I was is an understatement

Dontmind that is exactly the reason for telling the people that I have. So sorry for your loss.

Valium you may be right but that makes me really sad.

Mmmbacon that is AWFUL!! Poor you!!

Twoandtwomakeschaos, fair enough. Maybe the aunt asked how OP was, maybe the MIL spoke without thinking. Maybe she did get over excited and deliberately spill the beans. It just all seems a bit dramatic to go on and on about it being a secret when you have already told several people.

I'm on the fence.
It's your news and you asked them not to tell.

But I bet she was beyond excited to tell her sister. I know I was!

You told too many people, at too early a stage in your pregnancy. I would certainly mention to MIL that you are irritated by her sharing "your" news.

yanbu because it wasn't her secret to tell - ok to tell her colleague that doesn't know you or DP, but not his actual relations.

My MIL did this. She was so excited she didn't see that she was robbing DH of his chance to tell his grandma or his sister, for example. As a result she's found out about each pgy only when we couldn't not tell her, and indeed one pgy and mc she doesn't know about at all.

Part of what annoyed me, which I am reminded of by the OP, was that having told our secret she then swore those other people to secrecy and told them not to let us know that she had told them

Isn't it up to us though to decide who to tell and what point is too early?

I've not done this before - the whole thing is terrifying enough without extra worry that we can't trust our own flipping family! I'm finding it hard to deal with, even though it's very much wanted, and feel it's a personal thing.

If it were a different kind of medical condition, would it make a difference? Would it change opinions on who has a right to tell? I'm already having to deal with FIL not believing how bad morning sickness can be and thinking I'm being overdramatic I hope that if he were throwing up his breakfast every morning he would be more understanding

Sorry that last sentence was a different issue - I just got carried away!

I had a friend (who had also lost her first child) who was very offended she only found out about a later child at 12 weeks. I did point out, I hadn't even told my Siblings (and had made my PiL swear not to say anything, esp. to DH's Sister, as I only told them as DH thought we weren't fair just telling my Parents ....). Tbh, the politics in the announcement of a pregnancy can sometimes take the edge off it, which is sad.

It isn't the same as an illnesses though.

it is fine to be narked but people are just pointing out that secrets leak when too many people know. Just express irritation and move on.

It isn't the same as an illnesses though.

it is fine to be narked but people are just pointing out that secrets leak when too many people know. Just express irritation and move on.

Sorry for the double post.

Yanbu it is upto you to share your news, no o e else, regardless of how many you have told. My mil did the same and it did irk me a bit,although not quite as much as her posting to Facebook a photo of minutes old ds before I'd even had a chance to call my dad to tell him he'd been born! Don't let it bother you, it's good she's proud to share the news and I've certainly had a few secrets burst out of me with excitement on the odd occasion. You know for next time I guess!

Isn't it up to us though to decide who to tell and what point is too early?

You lose the control over that as soon as you tell one person. Honestly, OP, move on. It's done, yeah, it's not great, but what point is there in dwelling?

Yanbu

I'm only not moving on in here Santana - I promise I'm the picture of calm in RL, largely because I can rant here!