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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bit rude....

57 replies

tired999 · 19/11/2013 15:41

A month ago I organised a date and booked a restaurant for a girls night out with my NCT group. We only get to meet up now a couple of times a year, almost 3 years after meeting. Anyway I've just had an email from one of them to saying she saw a couple of friends from a toddler group she goes to and invited them too. She thought the more the merrier and is that OK? I don't know the two friends and out of the 8 of us only 3 really know these two. AIBU or am I just over sensitive having been stuck inside for over a week with 2 DSs with colds and a stomach bug.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 19/11/2013 15:43

YANBU, that is rude she should have asked you. BUT if she has asked you what would you have said?

shoofly · 19/11/2013 15:44

It wouldn't bother me tbh, I'm a bit of a" more the merrier" type but I would've asked first.

Bowlersarm · 19/11/2013 15:52

YANBU.

But there's nothing you can do about it. You'll look a party pooper if you say anything or act sulkily, so you need to go with the flow, i think.

Arabesque1 · 19/11/2013 15:54

YANBU. I hate it when people do this.

Original poster
tired999 · 19/11/2013 15:55

Exactly Bowlersarm! Just wanted to vent a little, it's been a long day!

OP posts:
TheHippywhowearsLippy · 19/11/2013 16:16

YANBU I find this very rude! Honestly have people lost the very basic rules of etiquette, their are no boundaries anymore. However as she has already asked their isn't much you can do about it. Go have a nice time, you never know you might like these people & gain some new friends.

But... I would mention it to your friend afterwards and let her know that it was a bit :/

YouTheCat · 19/11/2013 16:21

Yes, a bit rude not to have asked.

However, I'd just look on it as an opportunity to make a few new friends. Smile

PumpkinPie2013 · 19/11/2013 16:24

YANBU she should have at least asked you and the others first.

Reminds me of when we invited a few friends round one Christmas and one of them invited a load more (less close) friends as well! Shock Angry

She told DH and said ' oh you don't mind do you?'

Erm, yes actually we did! She does it all the time - hence why we haven't organised anything for a while!

Original poster
tired999 · 19/11/2013 16:33

This isn't the first time she's done it either. I don't really know many people where I live so have to be careful what I say (being a blunt northerner living in the south!)

OP posts:
NellysKnickers · 19/11/2013 16:39

Just tell her the restaurant can't fit in any extras. YANBU.

bundaberg · 19/11/2013 16:42

yanbu, say it's too late to change the booking.

i think it's weird to invite extra people that no-one else knows, it totally changes the group dynamic, don't you think?

youretoastmildred · 19/11/2013 16:52

I hate things like this. It changes everything. I don't go out that often, when I do it completely knocks me out for the rest of the week, so when I do it has to be either real friends or something I have to do for work. Not just an uncomfortable evening being talked over by a bunch of randoms.

It's hard to uninvite people who have been invited, but depending on how I felt (ie if I am exhausted, as you are after all the sickness - I feel your pain) I would seriously consider pulling out. I would be really clear about why too, although politely. And asap. I would email something like

"Sorry I won't be able to make the night out, I've had to re-think as I have to really juggle to make things like this work and I'm afraid I can't justify it except for old friends. Hope you have a lovely night and that we can arrange something soon for the usual crowd, I'd move heaven and earth to fit that in"

I know that sounds unfriendly, but fuck it

whois · 19/11/2013 16:53

Well one of my friends does this ALL the time and sometimes I mind and sometimes (if it really is a more the merrier type indecent) I don't.

So you are neither U or UR ;-)

whois · 19/11/2013 16:53

That made no sense. I can't type today. YABU and YANBU :-)

Joysmum · 19/11/2013 16:56

I would hate that, I'm not good in big groups and would not have chosen to go out with strangers.

mirry2 · 19/11/2013 16:56

I would hate it and secretly hope that the restaurant was too booked up to cater for more people. I hope the op isn't lumbered with having to organise the extra booking.

Grennie · 19/11/2013 17:01

It is selfish of her. She is only thinking that she would like her friends to come along. She is not thinking how others may feel about that.

youretoastmildred · 19/11/2013 17:04

Straw poll: if this happens to you and you really can't face it, is it ruder to say "no, your randoms can't come" or "invite whom you like, but I'm not coming any more"?
My gut instinct was b. but I suspect I might be wrong and a. (done the right way) might go down better.

Obviously the path of least resistance is just to put up with it, but if you do take a stand, which stand is preferable?

Original poster
tired999 · 19/11/2013 17:06

I don't go out on my own very often (a handful of times a year) so feel that I'd be punishing myself if I pulled out. I just have to make sure I sit at the right end of the table. Last time she did this I ended up next to the people she'd invited and the conversation was like pulling teeth. She's already asked for the details so she can change the booking!

OP posts:
youretoastmildred · 19/11/2013 17:22

I don't go out often either, and that is why I wouldn't waste the occasion on randoms!

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 17:34

They might be really nice and it might be a great night out, if you refuse how will you possibly know?

youretoastmildred · 19/11/2013 17:38

They might be, but it isn't up to other people to decide whether the OP is going to spend her precious time and energy on taking a punt on this.
That is the OP's decision

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/11/2013 17:46

Op - you said you don't have many friends - maybe these people could be new friends? It's hard to go from "colleagues" (which is how I see other mums) to "friends" in your 30s.

They might be as dull as hell (suggest getting there early and sitting reasonably centrally so even if you are stuck by a "dull one" you can talk to the others) but they may be great - and this is a perfect chance to find out.

I prefer small groups too but NCT is not a small group anyway so you may as well male the most of it.

Even if the night is rubbish - at least you won't be cleaning up sick!

Oh - and order a pudding. Life is always better with pudding!

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 18:10

What exactly are you annoyed about, the fact that things aren't going as you envisaged? It's a restaurant it's not like you are cooking and have been asked to cook extra. If the person who invited the extra bods is nice chances are that her friends will be nice too. They might be desperate to meet new people and are feeling bit lonely. Who knows? I just can't imagine getting het up about a couple of extra people in a restaurant.

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 18:15

Yes definitely order pudding isn't that the whole point of going out?Wink