To think this is a bit rude....

[tired999]

A month ago I organised a date and booked a restaurant for a girls night out with my NCT group. We only get to meet up now a couple of times a year, almost 3 years after meeting. Anyway I've just had an email from one of them to saying she saw a couple of friends from a toddler group she goes to and invited them too. She thought the more the merrier and is that OK? I don't know the two friends and out of the 8 of us only 3 really know these two. AIBU or am I just over sensitive having been stuck inside for over a week with 2 DSs with colds and a stomach bug.

why?

Unless I have misunderstood what NCT means then it's unlikely you are going to want to shag one of the other mums, hence different to a date.......!!

I hate when someone does this, (invite randoms, not dates or shagging, those are fine) it doesn't ruin the evening but it makes the dynamic totally different and is bloody rude IMO.

If you can't see the difference between an nct meet up and a date, there's no hope!

Maybe the other mums haven't got many mum friends, and are really desperate to make friends, and your NCT friend wants to help them out?

I would still go, there'll still be loads of people you know and they will probably be lovely.

Valium

Yes its bad manners to invite extras without asking you first for all sorts of reasons...maybe the restaurant can't accommodate more numbers...it can happen.

But, at the same time this is your friend. Is it likely that she will have new friends you don't like? Is it so unacceptable to extend the hand of friendship to some new faces on the block who could turn out to be really nice people?

This is exactly the reason I have avoided group outings. Not because I don't want to meet new people but because I find that really refreshing but I also find groups gang up and become unwilling to accept new additions to their "club".

If you pull out and say why you risk not only upsetting the one who invited the extras but also others in the group who may not share your view.

I reckon you just have to suck it and see how it goes. Hopefully it will be a great night and its just that you are tired and fed up that it all seems too challenging.

Next time you organise something just be clear that there is no room for last minute extra additions without checking first because of number restrictions at the restaurant or whatever. That way no falling out and no bad feelings.

Of course I can see the difference, I am being socratic, innit.

Similarities - both are social occasions entered into by people expecting a certain social make-up and therefore a certain dynamic; altering this causes disappointment to at least one party to the original group

Differences: the date is for the purposes of LURVE which is highly prioritised by our society in a way that friendships are not. Therefore you can put your foot down about a date, but not about a friendship meeting. Is this reasonable? (stares quizzically over glasses to camera)

Of course it is a nice thing to do to offer opportunities to people to make more friends. It is just the fact that a unilateral decision was taken about other people's niceness that troubles me. It wasn't her decision to make, and I think we have all unanimously agreed that, but also that there is nothing that can be done about it - or in other words our society has not equipped us with the means to do anything about it within politeness