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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bit rude....

57 replies

tired999 · 19/11/2013 15:41

A month ago I organised a date and booked a restaurant for a girls night out with my NCT group. We only get to meet up now a couple of times a year, almost 3 years after meeting. Anyway I've just had an email from one of them to saying she saw a couple of friends from a toddler group she goes to and invited them too. She thought the more the merrier and is that OK? I don't know the two friends and out of the 8 of us only 3 really know these two. AIBU or am I just over sensitive having been stuck inside for over a week with 2 DSs with colds and a stomach bug.

OP posts:
BlackholesAndRevelations · 19/11/2013 18:27

Youretoastmildred- would you really send that email?! I'd be so Hmm if I received an email like that, and would probably think you were a bit odd.

I can understand you being a bit miffed, op, but it's not the end of the world. You may indeed make new friends! I do agree that you should get there early to make sure you're not on the end of the table, though.

chrome100 · 19/11/2013 18:29

I think YABU. The more ther merrier is best! They might be lovely people and new friends.

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 18:38

If I received an email liked that I'd think the person who sent it was quite strange!Grin it's an nct meet up not a serious meeting of life long friends discussing the meaning of life...Wink

IAlwaysThought · 19/11/2013 18:57

If you go make sure you agree what's happening with the bill beforehand. I wouldn't want to split a bill with a group of random people. I would tell the waiter to bill me seperately as I dislike paying for other peoples booze.

I would also email your friend and say that you would like to sit beside her and your other friend as you were looking forward to catching up

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/11/2013 19:40

Valium I think so! Luckily I have a friend who is like minded so when everyone is going "ooh I'm a bit full" and "Oooh I really shouldn't" she and I are grinning at each other before ordering the triple chocolate brownie.

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 19:43

Ha ha mum yep, sounds familiarGrin

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 19:44

You wouldn't want to split the bill? Omg it gets worse!Confused

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 19:44

That was to Ialwaysthought.

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 19:46

Oh sorry, my apologies,I understand about booze. Although tbh soft drinks are often the same as a glass of wine these days.

IAlwaysThought · 19/11/2013 19:58

Valium. I don't usually mind splitting bills but I would be a bit Confused about splitting it with people I don't even know. It's different if it with friends. What if everyone starts ordering loads of booze or really expensive food. I would rather quietly pay for myself and not be involved.

There have been millions a lot of threads where people have been screwed over by bill sharing.

IcanBe · 19/11/2013 21:08

I'm with you OP, I hate it when people do this too. After all if the event was an office party no-one gets invited unless they're from the office, so as an established NCT group why should you except randoms - it inevitably changes the dynamic. Anyway, I'd call her bluff on the rhetorical question "is that OK" and email back that "seeing as you've asked, I'm not that happy that you've invited new people to the evening as the night was just for the NCT mums but as you've already asked, I suppose it would be rude to uninvite them. So can I leave it to you to ring up the restaurant and add to the booking? Thanks".

Sorry to hear about the colds and bugs by the way. Big hugs.

youretoastmildred · 19/11/2013 21:09

no I wouldn't really send that email. I thought about it and realised it was impossible. But the only other two possibilities that I can see (are there others?) are:

1 - put up with it, spend time and money on a night out you didn't want and miss out on the one you did want

2 - tell people (though maybe indirectly through an intermediary), who have already been told they can come, that they can't, which is obviously rude.

For a crazy moment I thought that 3:

3 - let other people go out with whomever they want, but don't go yourself if you don't want to

was actually less rude. Logically I think it is, but practically I can see that you can't actually tell people you are doing that once you have booked a night out (arguably you could get away with it if someone else booked it? not sure? what do you think?)

Does anyone think that option 2 is less rude?

If not then you are stuck with 1, which isn't fair

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 21:18

I just think if an evening evolves into something you don't think you'll be happy doing then bow out and don't go.

youretoastmildred · 19/11/2013 21:50

valium, so the person can bow out but should not say why? (you were one of the people who thought that draft email was strange)

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 21:57

Yes, just say unfortunately you can't make it after all of you really can't get your head round 2 extra people coming. There's no other way without coming across as a total loon!Grin

youretoastmildred · 19/11/2013 21:58

But then your real friends might think you don't like them any more and might not know you are sorry to be missing the night out you thought you were having. it may never happen again.

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 21:59

I would NOT include the reasons you put in the drafted email as that would just be rude and unnecessary.

youretoastmildred · 19/11/2013 22:01

sorry I do realise that you are right and that you can't say why but I think this is very interesting and kind of tragic.
Also the sort of thing that leads to chinese whispers and passive-aggression.

If I were one of the randoms and it dawned on me that one of the originals had pulled out because of me, I would feel terrible. I would wish someone had phoned me and said "sorry I misjudged it, it's more of a close friends thing, can we arrange something else?"

is that ever ok by the way?

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 22:03

I would trust my real friends have enough sense to invite people who are nice and will fit in. I would not tie myself up in knots about it, I'd go with the mind set that I was going to have a great evening. IF the extras were awful and totally ruined thre night then and only then would I talk to my friends about not wanting a repeat of the evening. I am trying to think how anyone could totally ruin a night out though!

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 22:04

No that's not ever ok, its really rude.

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 22:07

I have a relatively new friend I've just met through a situation just like the OP describes. She's lovely and we get on really well. And if she hadn't been it doesn't really master, does it? It's only a night out, not an arranged marriageGrin

BlackholesAndRevelations · 19/11/2013 22:08

Blimey Mildred. No, they wouldn't think you didn't like them anymore, unless they were 13 years old, that is.

youretoastmildred · 19/11/2013 22:22

it's ok I am not a complete idiot I do actually understand that all my proposals are impossible. I am just interrogating this idea that one person can unilaterally change the character of something planned and no one else can say they don't like it. I get it - I do get that this is the case. I guess I just don't like it!

youretoastmildred · 19/11/2013 22:24

I mean it wouldn't happen with a date. If a man asked you out and you both understood it was a date and then your friend said "oh I have always wanted to try that bar" you wouldn't invite them, and if you did the guy would be pissed off, and could (I think? Is this mental again?) reasonably say something like "If you really want to see your friend that night, could we make our thing another night"?

valiumredhead · 19/11/2013 22:50

But a date is a completely different scenario.