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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's about a wedding, overseas.

67 replies

MrRected · 19/11/2013 02:08

DH's cousin is getting married - he is very close to his Aunt who has been like a Mum to him. She recently got engaged and announced a date in 2015.

We live on the other side of the world with three DC's (who will be nearly 14, 10, 7 at the time of the wedding). When the date was announced, I checked out the school term dates and realised that it was planned for the middle of the school term and that my children would have to miss at least three weeks of the first term of school. Given the distance (35 hour trip) and cost (flights alone will be around $14k), I can't justify going for any less time than that.

I flagged this gently with the bride and her mum and said that we couldn't go - I wasn't arsey - I sent a lovely email saying how happy we were for them and gently explained that the children could not afford 3 weeks off school. I didn't mention it to them, but in Australia we have major assessments in Y3, Y5, Y7 & Y9. My DC will be in Y3, Y5 & Y9 respectively and I don't want them missing vital preparatory work for these tests which are held in Term 2.

Cut a long story short. They aren't speaking to me. They have ignored my emails and called DH to say that they think three weeks off school is totally reasonable given the importance of the occasion. I am the big bad wolf and am bearing the brunt of the cold shoulder.

I feel quite hurt that they are being so miserable about this - we were totally understanding that the date they chose was the best one for them - they love the venue and it fits with their budget etc. They seem to think I am ruining their day for the sake of it and I don't know what to do....

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Toomanycuppas · 19/11/2013 02:14

YNBU. Could your DH go by himself?

Original poster
MrRected · 19/11/2013 02:15

I suggested that Toomany. They want the DC. Frankly, I think they couldn't give a toss if I was there, would be ok if DH didn't go but want the children there.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 19/11/2013 02:16

It's ok for them to be disappointed, not ok for them to be so demanding and huffy. And three weeks off school for a wedding is complete madness, whether or not there are major assessments. It is an awful shame to fall out over it permanently though, so the ball in in your DH's court to explain about the assessments and cost and hope they understand.

I wouldn't go so far as moving heaven and earth to be at the wedding though (unless your DH could travel there alone?)

Toomanycuppas · 19/11/2013 02:27

How well do your DC know them?

If you have only recently arrived in Australia I could possibly understand the pressure from them but I still think they are BU. I've never managed to get my whole family back to UK for any occasions, logistical nightmare and way too expensive. It's not just the flights, what about accommodation? It's not likely relatives can cope with a family of 5 staying.

Original poster
MrRected · 19/11/2013 02:42

We will have been Aus for nearly 7 years by the time of the wedding. The younger DC only know DH's Aunty - she has visited us here in Australia a few times. We've paid for her ticket as it's been easier to get one adult that distance rather than 5 people. The bride spoke to DD (6) on the phone and asked her if she'd like to be bridesmaid - when I told DD that it might not be possible she was so upset!

Have taken advice and told DH to handle it and trying to take a pragmatic view that they are only kicking up such a fuss because they miss the children so much!

OP posts:
ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 19/11/2013 03:09

Oh, YANBU. At all. You have responded politely, nicely, and it just isn't possible.

Also, I think that they were BVU to ask your 6 yo daughter to be a bridesmaid without first speaking with you or your DH. Feck, I recently asked DP's 12 yo niece to be a bridesmaid, her parents (BIL and SIL) live in the same country as us so no difficulties there re travel, but I still asked her Mum and Dad before I so much as suggested it to her. Asking your DD to be a bridesmaid when the wedding involves international travel, without even consulting you or your DH, is just wrong.

CanucksoontobeinLondon · 19/11/2013 03:14

YANBU.

JollyGolightly · 19/11/2013 04:06

YADNBU. But they are your husband's family, so he should deal with them. I wouldn't worry too much about their refusal to talk to you, they sound unpleasant and not much of a loss.

LindyHemming · 19/11/2013 04:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lavenderhoney · 19/11/2013 04:30

I would stick to my guns. You obviously have thought about it, all your reasons are valid no matter when they get married. I hope your dh backs you to the hilt.

If they decided to get married then to suit you, they should have asked you first if you could come, not blithely assumed you would and then be annoyed you aren't grateful and can't come.

Asking you dd to be a bridesmaid before asking you was cruel IMO. Especially if they had no idea if you were coming. If they did know, then that's worse.

Aussiemum78 · 19/11/2013 04:47

Are you referring to naplan testing? I wouldn't be concerned about prep for that - it's just basic skills. It's not on their reports or anything.

Taking time off in term one would be a pain though.

I think they are unreasonable. It's expensive, a long flight, and a pain to get there. I'd only go if you were planning a trip back anyway.

daisychain01 · 19/11/2013 05:03

Stick by your decision. YANBU

If the bride is such a Bridezilla, even if you do turn up, they will never appreciate the money effort and inconvenience you have gone to, never in a million years.

Don't even worry about it, not your problem that she is self-centred.

MrsDavidBowie · 19/11/2013 06:50

They sound like idiots.
Ignore them.

cleofatra · 19/11/2013 06:53

If you are wanting to get into private schools, the NAPLAN is important. I am applying for schools for mine at present and they ask that you bring the NAPLAN scores to the interviews. Of course, they arent supposed to "count" but the reality is that they do.

WestieMamma · 19/11/2013 07:32

I don't think you are being unreasonable as it's up to you what you prioritise, but living overseas myself I would take (and have taken) my children out of school in order to attend a big, one off, family event back home.

NearTheWindmill · 19/11/2013 07:37

YANBU. If they had wanted you there that much they should have liaised with you over the date and if necessary helped you with the fares. Totally unreasonable to expect three children to take time off school during term time. Might manage a Friday for a UK wedding where travel required but no more than that.

ChasedByBees · 19/11/2013 07:39

YADNBU but you know that.

WooWooOwl · 19/11/2013 07:43

Ignore them. They are being selfish and inconsiderate, and if they really wanted the children there that much they should have avoided term time.

'Given the importance of the occasion'? What's that about?

It's a wedding - how is that even remotely important to children you've never met?

BikeRunSki · 19/11/2013 07:51

Webcam

That is how I "attended" my brother's wedding 400 miles away when I was 38 weeks pg.

I realise that the distance is tiny in comparison, but maybe some audio visual trickery could help.

schokolade · 19/11/2013 07:52

Did they know you'd said no before they asked your DD to be a bridesmaid? If so, I'd be seriously annoyed at the blackmail attempt.

YANBU.

mitchsta · 19/11/2013 16:30

YANBU. If they're not speaking to you, your OH needs to step in and back you up. Contrary to popular belief, the world does NOT stop when you decide to get married. For other people, life goes on as normal. And why is it that people you'll somehow find the money for a $14k trip just because it's for a wedding?!? Really unfair.

Panzee · 19/11/2013 16:43

They want cute kiddies for the photos, don't they? I wouldn't be surprised if the rest of the wedding was child free.

YANBU.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/11/2013 17:00

I love a good Bridezilla thread Grin

Seriously, fourteen THOUSAND dollars for flights alone, a full day and a half just travelling each way (barring delays), and they're miffed you can't make it? OK, you don't have to take the children out of school for a whole three weeks, you could in theory just travel down on the Friday and Saturday, attend the wedding on Sunday and travel back again on the Monday and Tuesday (I am not seriously suggesting this!!!), but it just adds that extra bit of un-do-ability to the whole thing.

Lesson here: either do not emigrate to Australia, ever, or cut off your family when you get there. Unless, of course, you have a reasonable family. I admit you can't always tell whether hitherto sensible relatives will turn into creatures from another planet as soon as there is a whiff of wedding in the air.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/11/2013 17:49

after flying to oz alone for a holiday , the 8hr was ok, but the 12hr literally killed me as so tired and wanted to sleep

so the thought of doing it with children is ahhhhhhhhhhhh

let alone the cost of £14k and kids missing 3 weeks of school

dh should back you up, and if need be go his self but silly you all spending that amount of money all for their wedding

Original poster
MrRected · 20/11/2013 00:44

This is my 3rd attempt at an update - they keep disappearing...

We've had a call from the bride to say she'll change the dates. I am not sure if it's a genuine offer as she wouldn't speak to me, just to DH/DS1. So I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and think that they really do want us there (or least they want some children in the pics ;-)).

So we'll have to wait and see what she does....

OP posts: