It's about a wedding, overseas.

[MrRected]

DH's cousin is getting married - he is very close to his Aunt who has been like a Mum to him. She recently got engaged and announced a date in 2015.

We live on the other side of the world with three DC's (who will be nearly 14, 10, 7 at the time of the wedding). When the date was announced, I checked out the school term dates and realised that it was planned for the middle of the school term and that my children would have to miss at least three weeks of the first term of school. Given the distance (35 hour trip) and cost (flights alone will be around $14k), I can't justify going for any less time than that.

I flagged this gently with the bride and her mum and said that we couldn't go - I wasn't arsey - I sent a lovely email saying how happy we were for them and gently explained that the children could not afford 3 weeks off school. I didn't mention it to them, but in Australia we have major assessments in Y3, Y5, Y7 & Y9. My DC will be in Y3, Y5 & Y9 respectively and I don't want them missing vital preparatory work for these tests which are held in Term 2.

Cut a long story short. They aren't speaking to me. They have ignored my emails and called DH to say that they think three weeks off school is totally reasonable given the importance of the occasion. I am the big bad wolf and am bearing the brunt of the cold shoulder.

I feel quite hurt that they are being so miserable about this - we were totally understanding that the date they chose was the best one for them - they love the venue and it fits with their budget etc. They seem to think I am ruining their day for the sake of it and I don't know what to do....

AIBU? WWYD?

I'd still be reluctant if she's not speaking to you.

Why would you spend all that money to be ignored?

Your DH should have words...

It is utterly outrageous that they are not speaking to you. Even if they change the dates, are you supposed to be on your knees thanking them while they act all martyrish?

Its $14 k dollars, Euphemia. :)

Have done long haul twice with little ones..... bloody horrid.

Yanbu. The flight alone would put me off!

She is changing the dates, but she is not speaking to you?

What a cow.

So, she is not trying to engineer it so that you wont come, but your dh and children goes?

They are insane

the end

Even if they changed the date I'd resent spending that money and my holiday allowance on people who weren't speaking to me after i'd been completely reasonable. I think the webcam option is an interesting one.

I can understand them being disappointed but not the rudeness. They sound very selfish. What's your DH's view?

Are they offering to help with the expense if they are so desparate for you to be there?

it's a party with fancy dress. Sorry, but it is. Why is everyone so precious about weddings? It is MARRIAGE that is important.

flying kids from the other side of the world, losing a big chunk of their term time at a huge cost is not happening. That's how it is.

people not grown up enough to understand this have stuff all chance of a successful marriage.

they've cut you off. Fine. Their problem.

What Hully said.

The selfishness of your DH's family leaves me dumbstruck. They need to have it pointed out to them that the children will need 3 weeks off school, how long the flight is there and back, that it will cost you 14k plus spending when you get there.

If after that explanation they still think you are to blame then quite frankly, they are toxic and cannot be reasoned with.

It's a wedding. They have not been made King and Queen of the world.

If a wedding guest of mine had said the cost would be 14k, I wouldn't dream of insisting. Why? because I am normal.

Don't even get me started on taking 3 kids out of school for 3 weeks.

YABU just for using NAPLAN as an excuse.

YANBU for the cost.

Oh and even changing the dates will still mean 14k and a long flight and 3 weeks accommodation/food/spending money.

PMSL at the "king and queens of the world"!!

The bride has not for one second considered the cost implication of us going to the wedding. The tickets will be $14k - we can stay with DH's Aunt but I am not sure how comfortable we will be - as another family (also travelling a long way to be there) will be staying so there will be three families in a three bedroom house. If we hire accommodation, we can probably add another $4k to the cost and another $4k for expenses. So all up it will be a $22k trip. We aren't rich people - DH better have a bumper year this year, is all I can say!

CadleCrap - NAPLAN is very important in our kids' schools - there is a definite pressure to perform, so I have to take it seriously. The kids have to prepare (especially in Y5 and Y9). My Y5 in particular will be applying for an academic scholarship end of Y6 and the NAPLAN results are a definite factor in this process.

I am at the point of saying that we aren't going. Just because it's too expensive and that I don't want to spend three weeks with people who rail road me into decisions, but I am going to stick to my decision to let DH deal with it (so far he has done zilch) and go with whatever arrangements are made (assuming they are in the school holidays).

Keep us updated OP!

Oh fgs that's ridiculous! My husband didn't go to his brothers wedding in Ireland last week because we have only been in Oz since Feb, and his family were all completely fine about it! Twenty bloody grand is utterly insane, it's only a sodding wedding not a coronation!

Yup Glastocat. I can't believe we are even contemplating it. This thread is actually making me see that it's total insanity. We could go on a holiday of a lifetime for this sort of money. We'll be spending our $$'s on a trip that I wouldn't have chosen (given the choice), to spend the time sleeping on a blow up mattress in cramped conditions.

Arghhhh......

After the rudeness they have shown you, I wouldn't be going either. I'd have a long, long list of things I'd rather be doing with the best part of $20k than using it to spend all my holiday allowance crammed into a three bed house with two other families (and one bathroom?) so people who are abysmally rude to me can use my children as wedding decorations in their photos.

This is whether it's term time or not.

And they treat you like this after you paid for the aunt to come over to Oz for a nice holiday at your expense? Hell's bells.

They could change the date as often as they like, if they weren't speaking to me (how childish!) there's no way my DC or I would attend. I would however support DH attending if he chose - which presumably would still be pretty costly.

YADNBU

Though its a tough one from the POV that you have now emigrated, rather than they've decided to have the wedding aboad & they want your DH & DCs there - so you need to cut them for slack for that & they have also given you a lot of notice

though had it really been so important to the bride, why the hell organise it in term time anyway - at very least check with you as regards dates that suit if its so important & asking your DD before clearing it with you is bang out of order, but if she's willing to back down on that, smack cat bum face over it or not, you also need to be more flexible too - I can quite imagine with other families travelling from abroad too, plus UK school holidays, it's probably been a bit of a logistical nightmare to organise, so your attitude in later posts is UR.

they might not be important people to you, but sounds like they are to your DH & as such your DCs will be important to them too, so YABU & if they are prepared to move the goal posts, then for your DHs sake, you need to either suck up either the accomodation costs or the blow up mattress, or maybe look into cheaper accommodation such as a caravan or staying with other family

That's a fearsome amount of money on tickets - why so much? 3 adult tickets and 2 children, yes? Who on earth are you flying with?

Depending on your exact dates, you should be able to do it for under $10k.

But still - under the circs I wouldn't do it either.

I took DS1 out of school at the end of term 1 last year and over all the Easter holidays, so we could get 3 weeks in the UK with my Dad and family - I agree it is absolutely not worth spending that amount of money and time on flights to the UK unless you're there for 3 weeks - it takes too long to recover from the jet lag. DS1 is only 5 though; it was his first year of school too. Trouble is, at the end of term 1 is when they have their sports day etc. and he's going to miss it most years if that's the best time for us to go back (it is, financially and weatherwise)

YADNBU

I live in a similar part of the world to you OP and I am with you on the cost of flights. It's going to cost us $14k next year to come home for a holiday - and there are only four of us, not 5. I've discovered over the years that it is definitely worth paying the extra few hundred dollars per ticket to fly on a decent airline given the length of the journey. This is vastly multiplied when there are kids involved.

Your DH's cousin is insane if she thinks you are unreasonable to not go. Especially during term time! My cousin got married recently in the UK and we didn't go - and she was my bridesmaid when I got married so we are close. Not once was it even mentioned that we should have been there.

Tell her that you will consider coming if the dates suit, and if she wants you there that badly then she will have to subsidize your flights as you can't afford it. End of.

Have you actually got that sort of money sitting around doing nothing that isn't needed for the family in any way?

I presume you are referring to NAPLAN testing ....what a load of rubbish and I would seriously question a school that "prepares' for it. It is hardly a major assessment - it's just something that has been introduced by a govt and just as likely to be thrown out again the new government. I think you need a better arguement than that! Over 70% of my dd's class refused to do it this year - majority are going on to private schools. We were asked to produce ours for our dd at interview for top Aust private school - said we thought it was tosh and admissions officer agreed - dd got a place.
it's really about what matters to your family, what you value and if you can afford it. Three weeks off school is neither here nor there - what a great opportunity to all be together - if you can't afford it well thats a different story. Sorry you lost me with "vital preparatory work" and "major assessment"!

Could they not fly out to you after the wedding? When we got married we invited all (hundreds) of dh's family in nz. (Thankfully) only his aunts & uncles flew over but we travelled out after the wedding.

Good grief. This is just madness. YANBU.

Regardless of what kind of tests your 14 year old is sitting, three weeks is a huge amount of time off of school for a 14 year old! I would never even consider this.