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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's about a wedding, overseas.

67 replies

MrRected · 19/11/2013 02:08

DH's cousin is getting married - he is very close to his Aunt who has been like a Mum to him. She recently got engaged and announced a date in 2015.

We live on the other side of the world with three DC's (who will be nearly 14, 10, 7 at the time of the wedding). When the date was announced, I checked out the school term dates and realised that it was planned for the middle of the school term and that my children would have to miss at least three weeks of the first term of school. Given the distance (35 hour trip) and cost (flights alone will be around $14k), I can't justify going for any less time than that.

I flagged this gently with the bride and her mum and said that we couldn't go - I wasn't arsey - I sent a lovely email saying how happy we were for them and gently explained that the children could not afford 3 weeks off school. I didn't mention it to them, but in Australia we have major assessments in Y3, Y5, Y7 & Y9. My DC will be in Y3, Y5 & Y9 respectively and I don't want them missing vital preparatory work for these tests which are held in Term 2.

Cut a long story short. They aren't speaking to me. They have ignored my emails and called DH to say that they think three weeks off school is totally reasonable given the importance of the occasion. I am the big bad wolf and am bearing the brunt of the cold shoulder.

I feel quite hurt that they are being so miserable about this - we were totally understanding that the date they chose was the best one for them - they love the venue and it fits with their budget etc. They seem to think I am ruining their day for the sake of it and I don't know what to do....

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

MrRected · 21/11/2013 07:01

Tilba - we can agree to disagree. At our school NAPLAN is not optional. As mentioned in a previous post, the children do prepare for it. More importantly, the results are taken into account for the scholarship that my DS2 will be applying for. This is something that IS important - perhaps not to you but certainly to me.

Re flights - we aren't flying to the UK. We have to pay for 3 x adult fares & 2 child fares. We haven't been able to find any reputable airline for less than $14k.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrRected · 21/11/2013 07:07

Unfortunately, they have insufficient annual leave to travel to Australia.

I really must stress that usually DHs family are lovely and reasonable. His cousin is a lovely girl and we have never had any sort of falling out. They are very important to me and DH - hence our acceptance of the costs. To answer if we have the money or not - the Answer is no way. It wi be credit card and savings. Money doesn't grown on trees on the Che Mrrected - hence scholarship application for DS2.

OP posts:

WallyFiggAttorney · 21/11/2013 07:30

The fact that the aunt and cousin were treating me with such disdain would be the deal breaker.

Roussette · 21/11/2013 07:57

It's only a flippin' wedding... some people are so ridiculous... it's all over in 24 hours and yet they want you to fly across the world for ONE DAY. Sounds to me as if they just want your children to show off and aren't the slightest bit interested in you being there. I would leave it to your DH as to whether he wants to go on his own but I deffo wouldn't entertain the thought of going for the reasons above, let alone the cost.

ChasedByBees · 21/11/2013 08:09

Bloody hell that's a huge amount to consider putting on credit cards.

MissBattleaxe · 21/11/2013 09:26

Please don't consider going OP. You will be paying it off for years. and if they split up, you'll be very pissed off.

Regardless of NAPLAN, I still wouldn't take my kids out of school for three weeks and they are Primary age, so you are right to be reluctant.

Don't let the bride change the dates, just tell her it will cost you 14000 dollars and see if she still insists. You've got to think of your family and if you have kids, then 14k is just too much to spend on anyone but them.

Do not give in to emotional blackmail. Three families in a 3 bed house? No way. Just no way, not ever.

parttimer79 · 21/11/2013 10:44

Yanbu. We are getting married in uk and really want sil, bil and niece who live in Aus to come so we are arranging our dare around the best time fir them to come over. If we'd just set a dare and invited them I certainly wouldn't be cross with them for not being able to make it!

Crowler · 21/11/2013 10:49

MissBattleAxe has said it well. I would never consider spending 14K on airline tickets unless one of my own children were getting married. No way.

Rockinhippy · 21/11/2013 10:58

I've just seen your update as regards needing to get into debt to afford this - if this is fact & you wouldn't normally of planned a trip back home ( or at least your DHs home if you are non national) which I had presumed you would at some point, then getting into debt to go to a wedding would be very silly - though I agree with trying to work it so your DP can go

MollyWhuppie · 21/11/2013 10:58

I bloody hate people expecting people to spend vast amounts of cash to attend their special day.

We had our wedding in a location where the majority of our guests could return home at the end of the night rather than have to fork out for hotels, and we certainly wouldn't have been pissed off with anyone who couldn't attend for financial reasons - especially if it was someone close to us who we cared about.

We had a couple of overseas guests and we paid for their hotel rooms - it was the least we could do, we were so pleased they came. We certainly wouldn't have expected them to come, but were just delighted they did.

Weddings should be about the bride and groom and guests are a bonus.

tilbatilba · 21/11/2013 11:22

There is no way I would go into debt for a wedding especially someone else's ! Re the NAPLAN - your child most certainly doesn't have to do it - you can be a conscientious objector. The schools must offer it otherwise the y do not receive govt funding. I am amazed it is part of a scholarship. As I said they asked us to provide it - we explained we didn't agree with it and dd hadn't done it - she then sat an aptitude test and had an interview and was awarded a scholarship.
I don't know if it is an English thing but I really can't believe anyone really thinks missing three weeks of school can impact negatively on a childs education ......unless one has a very narrow view of education!

EldritchCleavage · 21/11/2013 11:24

Before you decide whether or not to spend that much money, hadn't your DH better deal firmly with this business of his cousin not speaking to you? Because if she is going to be horrid to you there will be no point going even if you can do it for $1400.

Original poster

MrRected · 21/11/2013 11:39

Have spoken to DH tonight. Along with the concerns about school absence, cost and the fact that we would not ordinarily choose SA as a holiday destination (my South African DH has huge issues about security). We have decided to decline the invitation. He is going to talk to his cousin and explain that due to several factors we can't make it. He is not going to go into too much detail - he will just make it clear that we have really really thought about it from every angle and just can't make it work.

The clincher was the realisation that the wedding will be costing ZAR60k, our flights alone will cost the equivalent of ZAR120k, we can't above all else go into a massive amount of debt for a single day.

Thank you all - you have all been very helpful in crystallising our thinking.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 21/11/2013 11:57

Ah sorry MrRected, didn't realise it wasn't the UK, how very provincial of me!

I am actually very glad that you have all made the decision not to go - it is a fearsome amount of money, as I said before, and if you have to broach your savings and go into credit card debt for it then frankly it's not worth it.

lunar1 · 21/11/2013 12:15

I think you made the right decision, that is a huge amount of money even if you have it sat in the bank doing nothing.

WhataSook · 21/11/2013 12:24

This is the exact reason I wanted to elope - I just didn't see how we could ask anyone to travel so far and spend so much money on our wedding. I wanted to elope but DH and his family didn't want that so I thought OK then I'll get married in Aus (where we were living) and anyone who wants to come can and those that don't there will be no hard feelings

CanucksoontobeinLondon · 22/11/2013 02:43

I think you've made the right call, OP. Send a nice gift but don't actually go (and definitely don't go into credit card debt for it. Your kids will still be paying it off a a few decades from now). Or maybe don't send such a nice gift, if your DH's cousin still isn't speaking to you!

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