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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to have another child with him?

39 replies

mumToOne33 · 18/11/2013 08:48

My ex and I split up a few months ago, we had been arguing a lot and basically he's older than me and a confirmed bachelor - he didn't want family life anymore (though he loves our 2yo dd).

I'm working part time, have my own home and am self sufficient financially - dd and I are not wealthy but are comfortable, which I'm happy about (ex pays some child support too, we agreed it amicably without needing CSA).

The thing is, dd was a long awaited baby through IVF. She is my world. At the time of her conception we were lucky enough to get three additional embryos which were preserved for us to use in future years. Ex has said that he is happy for me to use them as a single parent, so dd would have a sibling. As I mentioned, ex is older than me and is very unlikely to have more children, I suspect he'll stay a bachelor tbh. I'd love more children and always wanted to use the embryos. I'm 33 so not that young in fertility terms. Aibu to have another child with ex? If anyone doesn't agree with IVF please don't write malicious comments :-(

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 18/11/2013 08:50

If he agrees to it I don't see why not.

ToriaPumpkin · 18/11/2013 08:52

As long as he's agreed to it and is aware of any pregnancy/baby that results then I don't see why you shouldn't.

LifeofPo · 18/11/2013 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 18/11/2013 08:53

If you're fine with it and so is he then I'd say go for it. Things certainly seem amicable between you both and if he is willing to financially provide for the 2nd child as well then I don't see a problem. How much time does he spend with your current daughter? Just be aware that once the 2nd one comes along you may need more support off him in a parenting role. Is he willing to provide that too?

Tiredemma · 18/11/2013 08:54

Is he willing to provide financially for DC2?

TheLightPassenger · 18/11/2013 09:00

I wld be concerned about whether he will play any parental role with the future child, as if he is a dad to yout current child but not a future child that could be v difficult for your children to cope with.

eurochick · 18/11/2013 09:02

As he's fine with it, I say why not?

PacificDogwood · 18/11/2013 09:03

I think you should do it too.

Remember, the embryos are only as old as you were when they were created, so you current age does not really come in to it too much.

WooWooOwl · 18/11/2013 09:03

If he is a good parent and is willing to be a good parent to a second child, then I don't see why it should be a problem.

As long as you are careful not to pressure him into it and you are sure that he will give financially and emotionally to two children, then this could be an excellent choice for both of you.

You need to have very clear boundaries though, and be realistic about the help you can expect from him.

fannyfireworks · 18/11/2013 09:07

i think your consideration should be the future well being of your children. What will you say to them about this? is this going to be east to accept? would it in any way affect their future relationships/confidence/self worth/anything?

i would not want a child like this I don't think. (And no nothing to do with being a single parent or using ivf it's more to do with having one in love and then one because the circumstances are convenient)

Maybe I'm old fashioned

FreudiansSlipper · 18/11/2013 09:08

he has walked out on his dd because he did not want family life anymore

he does not really sound like the sort of man who takes his commitments seriously. he may see his dd now but how he would feel about another child who he had not been around for may not be the same and that could cause you all a lot of heartache

and being pregnant and on your own is very hard. you may meet someone else who will give you the love and support you deserve and your family does too

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 18/11/2013 09:09

Get his agreement in email minimum. Then proceed. But yes so long as that's there, coz I wouldn't trust him not to change mind later, up to you. They are half yours too.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 18/11/2013 09:10

So long as u realise you are doing this totally alone of course

MrsOakenshield · 18/11/2013 09:12

I would try and get his agreement in writing, and hammer out any involvement he may have, but if he's happy and you;re happy to go it alone, I don't see why not. Though I'd dispute that, at 33, you're not young (I had DD at 38)!

sparklysilversequins · 18/11/2013 09:14

I would. I am a single parent so know the drill and I still would.

MabelSideswipe · 18/11/2013 09:17

Is he agreeing to having the same relationship with another baby that he has with your daughter?

Fairylea · 18/11/2013 09:20

Why did a confirmed bachelor go through IVF?! The mind boggles... I feel sorry for you (said as someone whose dh also left and was a single parent for years).

Anyway. .. I would use them. Go for it. As long he is committed to behaving the same towards both children.

Melonbreath · 18/11/2013 09:22

Yanbu. You want a baby. He has agreed. Just work out the finer details, it wouldn't be fair on the new baby to watch your dd go out with daddy and not have a relationship with him too.

manechanger · 18/11/2013 09:27

absolutely. I think it is far easier to only deal with one other parent rather than juggle different days with different fathers etc, plus your dd will have support from a sibling if things become less amicable or whatever family life throws at them.

AuntieStella · 18/11/2013 09:30

What are your parenting arrangements like for your existing DC? Will he play the same role for a future child, and have you discussed future maintenance?

PacificDogwood · 18/11/2013 09:44

I agree for the sake of your existing and any future children, his involvement must be the same for both of them.
And you would have to be prepared to go it alone if he does not come through.

Sandiacre · 18/11/2013 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fannyfireworks · 18/11/2013 09:49

If you do it OP I would get some sort of contract drawn up with a solicitor. Don't know what it would say but have a feeling itd be a good idea! Good luck

Sandiacre · 18/11/2013 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sandfrog · 18/11/2013 09:57

YANBU