Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I am really angry and KNOW IANBU!!!!!!

57 replies

mameulah · 16/11/2013 22:35

Our pfb ds is almost one. My dh has worked EVERYDAY (apart from about seven) since he was born. I know and am appreciative of his hard work. However, he took last Sunday afternoon off to do his hobby stuff and at least some of today.

I am FURIOUS about it and feel utterly humiliated. He has made a fool of me. I have tried so hard to persuade him to come home at even 3 o'clock on a Saturday afternoon so we could have a bit more time together and it has never happened.

As angry as I am I know my husband isn't mean. He has not been brought up with a cosy family and this is his first experience of family life. He is definitely old enough to know better.

Once this feud has blown over what can I say to him to make him understand how utterly disappointing his choice has been?

tia

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 16/11/2013 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joiningthegang · 16/11/2013 22:38

Sorry I can hear you are really upset by this.

I don't understand - he works constantly, and has 2 half days doing something for himself and you are furious?

bigbrick · 16/11/2013 22:38

Time for you to have some time off.

CoffeeTea103 · 16/11/2013 22:39

To whom has he made you a fool? And why do you feel humiliated?
After working every single day his idea of doing something enjoyable was probably his hobby, But yanbu as it should be his family first if he gets little time off.

squeakytoy · 16/11/2013 22:40

Hang on.. he took one day off to have a little bit of time to himself.. so what? Get a babysitter and do the same yourself.

Fairenuff · 16/11/2013 22:40

I don't think that there is much you can say. He doesn't want to spend time with you or your child.

You need to decide how you want to live the rest of your life. Don't expect him to change. Do you want to sit around waiting for him to grace you with his presence?

Personally, I would move on.

Monty27 · 16/11/2013 22:41

I think OP means family time is missing.

McPie · 16/11/2013 22:51

I think the whole point is that makes time for his hobby but won't give OP or their child any of his time or at least give Op a bit of a break. YANBU at all and I too would be pissed no matter how much money he brings home!

Mellowandfruitful · 16/11/2013 22:54

What have you said to him so far, OP, and how has he reacted?

Are you a stay at home parent? Do you do everything for your child, or how involved is he when he does get home?

CeliaFate · 16/11/2013 22:56

I think you feel angry because his priority when he has time off isn't you and the baby. It makes you feel as though you are not important enough to him, is that right?

ThePinkOcelot · 16/11/2013 22:56

I can't understand why some so obviously think op is being unreasonable! Her dh has worked every day since their child was born. How is she unreasonable to think he would want to spend time with his family?!
YANBU OP. I think you need a serious chat with him.

DoJo · 16/11/2013 22:57

It sounds like you have different expectations of how family life should be - have you really spelled it out to him that his inability to prioritise you and your son makes you feel unwanted? Do you think his upbringing is contributing to the way he sees his role in the family? Could you use his experiences to demonstrate how his son might feel when he is older and realises that his dad isn't involved in his life?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/11/2013 23:00

Does your DH work for himself? I ask because I realise how consuming that can be. He definitely needs to strike a better balance between home and work life though :(

ImaginativeNewName · 16/11/2013 23:32

Sympathies op, I am married to a man like this. He works for himself, seven day weeks usually. He took four days off when our first dc was born and then announced three months later (when I was in the middle if horrendous post natal anxiety and doing everything child and house related by myself all week, evenings, weekends, you name it) that he was going on holiday for a week to do his hobby. We have never had a holiday together in seven years. He won't change, he doesn't do it to be hurtful, he just doesn't think.

You can accept it, or leave. I have a nice life with my two dc and the way we operate is that we don't expect him to be around, if he is it is a bonus and if it is something we don't want him to miss, we ask him advance warning and he usually makes it (or gets a world of rubbish thrown at him). It's very lonely sometimes, I have been tempted to cheat twice in recent years but I am happier with him than without him I think. Our family just doesn't work the usual way.

newfavouritething · 16/11/2013 23:34

Is he a farmer?

ICameOnTheJitney · 16/11/2013 23:36

I also think YABU. WHy don't you have a day off? Everyone deserves a day or so for their own hobbies.

Monty27 · 16/11/2013 23:37

How is OP supposed to get a day off?

humphryscorner · 16/11/2013 23:44

I'd be fucked off too ! He is too busy in a year for his family but not his pals

He would actually see his ds more if you split up and he had him weekend and you would have a break !

I told this to dh when he happily started piling on Saturdays to his all ready very long week. They stopped straight away!

humphryscorner · 16/11/2013 23:46

imaginative that's awful!

NoComet · 16/11/2013 23:52

He'd have been exH six months ago.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/11/2013 23:53

I think whether yabu or not depends entirely on your financial situation. If he has to work for you all to survive then yabu. If not, and he's doing it cod he wants to , then yanbu..

Brandnewmamma · 17/11/2013 00:11

You are defo not unreasonable. I would be hurt.

livinginwonderland · 17/11/2013 00:18

It depends on your financial situation.

If he needs to work all those hours to pay rent/mortgage, bills, groceries etc, then YABU. It's hard being the breadwinner and having a family that relies on you for everything. He may well be under a lot of financial pressure and I think if that's the case, he's entitled to a day to himself to just destress and forget about things for a while. Can you not arrange for a friend or family member to have DS for a day so you can have some time to yourself as well?

If he doesn't need to work all those hours, YANBU. He needs to strike a better work/home balance. One day a week should be a day off for him - you don't need to do "family stuff" every week, but it's important that he's around more for you and DS. And he should make an effort to be around more in the evening to help you out with the bed/bath routine if he can get off work in time. If not, can he start later and help you out in the mornings so you can get a lie-in and time to have a bath in peace?

MysteriousHamster · 17/11/2013 00:26

OP is not saying her DH shouldn't have time off, the point is he isn't even taking weekends off, so he is spending ZERO time with family and then taking time off work for himself.

Whereas presumably OP never has any time to herself and cannot easily get any.

Fairenuff · 17/11/2013 00:33

Imaginative, I am so sorry for you and your children. Do you think it will always be like this?

Flip

1 2 3