I am really angry and KNOW IANBU!!!!!!

[mameulah]

Our pfb ds is almost one. My dh has worked EVERYDAY (apart from about seven) since he was born. I know and am appreciative of his hard work. However, he took last Sunday afternoon off to do his hobby stuff and at least some of today.

I am FURIOUS about it and feel utterly humiliated. He has made a fool of me. I have tried so hard to persuade him to come home at even 3 o'clock on a Saturday afternoon so we could have a bit more time together and it has never happened.

As angry as I am I know my husband isn't mean. He has not been brought up with a cosy family and this is his first experience of family life. He is definitely old enough to know better.

Once this feud has blown over what can I say to him to make him understand how utterly disappointing his choice has been?

tia

What family time do you get in a normal day? Does he see you and your DC in the evening or in the morning?

I don't think I would begrudge someone who works so hard a little time to pursue his hobby. Now you need to try and get him to commit to a family day out perhaps? Or some time out for you.

Do you have family and friends around?

imaginative how sad.
Aren't you worried about your children never learning about family life and fair division of parenting?
My x wasn't nearly as bad but I was worried my boys would be shit dads or my daughters doormats, it was one of my reasons for splitting up.

imaginative I get whereyour coming from, our family life is very similar..

My Mil takes some of the blame, (her dh left her when my dh was approx 8, dh was left to his own devices from approx 12, and used to put him self to bed as she had to work to pay the bills) she also says he gets most of his behaviour from his dads side of the family, as they were all incredibly selfish.

Dh works for himself, he works hard, we are reasonably financially secure, but no its not ideal, but Ive been doing it for years now, every now and then we'll have 'words',I tell him how I feel, and things get better for a while, then before you know it, hes slipped again, to be honest I just get on with it now.

More information needed. How many hours is he working in a typical day? Is he around in the mornings and evenings to spend time with you and his child? If he is, then frankly I wouldn't begrudge him a day off to do his own thing... Working every single day without a holiday for almost a year sounds really tough

And yes, I'm aware that if the OP is a SAHM then she's not getting 'days off' either... But at least she can organise her own day, can have a break when baby naps etc

Also: was this the situation before you had a child? Or has something changed? If this is how your dh's work life is (I'm assuming self employed) then surely you knew the deal?
It's wise to discuss these things before embarking on a family.

You need a frank discussion, and you also need to be prepared that if you're unhappy with things, it may mean you making changes too... Eg you may need to start earning more if he's going to take his foot off the pedal work-wise.

In the meantime I would strongly advise getting a babysitter too so you get some 'you ' time. You need time as a family, but time for you is important

For me, work comes first to pay the bills, then enough family time (which is leisure time after all) and then individual hobbies.

If the family time was sufficient then if course there's no problem with getting individual time to pursue hobbies. But I have a husband who works very long hours and is often away and a daughter who is desperate to spend time with him. Not an easy situation but one that we are both in full agreement on.

The hobby stuff is a red herring. There would be nothing wrong with your DH pursuing his hobbies if he was also spending time with his family.

Does he need to work his his current hours, or does he want to, either because he enjoys or is addicted to his job, or because he is actively avoiding family time?
What are your plans? Can you return to work to take the financial pressure off or are you staying home longer term? You might have a better balance as a family if DS was in childcare a couple of days a week but had both parents at weekends.
What was his experience of family life growing up? His expectations will largely have been informed by that. He may feel he is working his fingers to the bone to "provide" and that YABU about it. (I don't think you are)
Does he do any of the care for DS? Are you (honestly) a bit controlling and think nobody can do it like you can? Has he developed a bond with DS? Maybe you need to tell him next w/end you are doing xyz that you want to do and he is in charge for the day - they'll muddle through.
Other than that, would he attend some sort of mediation while you talk it through and reach a compromise? You need to sort this or you will end up being effectively a single parent like some of the other posters.
goes to kiss DH who agreed to turn down a better paid job this week because it would eat into family time

YANBU No marriage will survive the complete physical absence of one partner unless it is brought about by unavoidable circumstances. Finding time to spend a day on his hobby shows that your DH CAN have a day off work but chooses not to spend it with his family. That is very sad. Of course it would be different having a day for his hobby if he also had days with his family.

imaginative what happens when you are ill? Is not the problem of being a single mum, whilst friends assume you are a married mum, that you have no support when you need it as others assume your DH will be there for you? I heard at a lecture the other day that the chances of surviving cancer are as dependent on being married as on having the best drugs. I can understand that - how do you get to appointments/find the strength to prepare nutritious food/ keep the house going/ research the best treatments if you have no support from your partner and are feeling rubbish? Would your DH be there for you? Same question to the OP. That's why I would leave this kind of marriage even if it works from day to day whilst all is well.

Now you need to try and get him to commit to a family day out perhaps?

But he should want to spend time with the family, not have to be persuaded into it.

OP needs to clarify his working hours and whether he is choosing to work all the time, or has to.

What makes you so sure you're not being unreasonable?

You sound very unreasonable to me.

Does your DH work the amount he does because he has to to keep his job and earn money to be able to afford his family? Do you work outside of the home?

So the poor guy works his arse off and you begrudge him less than two days in a whole year to do something just for himself? How mean!?

If this were a woman posting that her husband was pissed off with her because she wanted to do something just for herself once in the space of a year, she'd be told her DH was emotionally abusive and controlling. Yet because it's the other way round a guy who works incredibly hard to support his family is being criticised because he just wants to do something for himself?

It beggars belief.

If it was a woman posting that, despite her dh running the home and doing all the childcare, and the fact that she had only spent seven days with her child in the first year of its life, she wanted to take a 'me' day, I think she would be getting the same response. Family comes first.

Sorry, but I agree with WooWooOwl

I would say if he is opting out of family time which sounds about right then he is out of order, I have a friends whose DH spends all his spare time on the golf course, never does anything family related... She may as well be a single parent and as far as everyone else is concerned sheds doormat

He needs to make time for you and your child.

What happens when you put your foot down on this and other matters?

So they have a child. He never spends time with them as a family although his wife has been asking for years. When he does take time off he does something for himself that doesn't include them. In order:-

Work
Himself
Wife and Child

But she's the one with the problem? Now THAT beggars belief.

I think the truth is somewhere between what woo woo and fairienuff say.

If this guy is deliberately opting out of family life then that's not good and it needs addressing.

But I also think that if the roles were reversed here and a father who'd been a SAHP for a year was complaining that the mother who had only had 7 non working days all year was taking a bit of time for herself, there would be cries of how emotionally abusive he was. Probably cries for him to step up and contribute financially too!

If this is an issue driven by financial need, then I agree With the poster upthread who said better to use childcare a couple of days a week and spread the earning, rather than have the extremes of one parent working all hours including weekends, and the other getting isolated and fed up. Try to think about the child here, rather than the feelings of each adult- though of course they matter too. Most children want to spend quality time with both parents, not be looked after almost exclusively by one, at the expense of time with the other

How on earth is he working every single day? Is he self-employed, or a farmer, or something like that?

It seems to me there are two issues here: firstly, does he need to be working every day, and if he doesn't, is he a workaholic or using the job to opt out of family life? If he doesn't in fact have to be working, then I would be angry that he wasn't playing a full part in family life.

Secondly, when he does have time off, he doesn't prioritise his partner and family. You may simply be looking at having incompatible ideas about what family life should be like, and what kind of support you expect from your partner. You may have to make up your mind whether you can live with that mismatch in your relationship, or whether it's causing you so much pain and struggle that you would be better off ending it.

To the posters that think it's okay for him to have 'time to himself' and the OP needs to somehow find time for herself, you are spectacularly missing the point.

He spends no time with his wife and child. You know - his family!
The OP doesn't want 'tit-for-tat' she wants him to want to be with them.

She is absolutely NBU!

But - more information is needed. Why does he work all those hours? Is it for financial reasons? Nature of the job? Personal choice?

A calm, long discussion is required - if he can spare the time...

We don't know that he is spending no time with them though. We need more info about what happens on a typical morning and evening. How many hours a day does he work. Etc. All we've been told is the number of days off he's had since the child was born. And tbh if he's running his own business or farming or something along those lines then there's probably very little he can do about that.

Also what were the work commitments prior to having kids? If it was exactly the same, and no discussion has taken place about how to change things then its hardly surprising things have simply carried on.

I'm not saying its an ideal situation, because I think it's very tough on the child to have one parent working all hours. But this situation hasn't arisen out of nowhere! Tbh I'm a big fan of both parents having a balance in their life which enables quality work and home time. I like the fact that that scenario enables the children to spend positive time with both parents. But some families do have set ups whereby one parent works ridiculous hours (and often the other parent doesn't, or does much less) and if that's what works for them then fine. In this case it clearly isn't working for the OP so things need to change.

If these hobby afternoons/mornings that the DH is having were the very first opportunity he got to have some free time and he chose to spend that time on his hobby, then I would agree with the majority.

Bt the fact is, that he has a very demanding job that requires a lot of his time. Very few people choose to work every single day in a year bar 7 because they want to. They do it because they have to to pay for a home and a baby, and possibly a wife too.

There are workaholics out there that will choose to be at work no matter what, but if OPs DH is that type of person then she is likely to have known about it long before they had a baby.

He has had seven days off in a year, and presumably, he has spend those with the OP and his baby. It's not like he was off doing the hobby on the very first opportunity he got.

The key question here is: how did this situation come about? What discussions have been had about renegotiating the situation in the light of having kids?

I cannot emphasise it enough: such situations do not arise out of nowhere!

What were the dh's work hours pre children? If they were the same, was the OP quite happy for him to work the hours back then? Was there any discussion about wanting things to change once they decided to have a baby? Or is this some sinister situation whereby he's only upped his working hours since having a baby because he's somehow not coping with fatherhood? (Which would be really worrying and definitely very unreasonable for the baby and mum)

This reminds me a little bit of those threads where women say they can't get their life or career back because they have to facilitate their husbands demanding job... How did the situation arise, that one partner is working all hours? Such a discussion requires total honesty: sometimes a situation suits a partner at certain phases of life but then comes back to bite them later.

Did the DH have this job before? If you entered a relationship and had kids knowing the deal, it's harder to feel sympathetic. It wouldn't suit everyone, and I certainly wouldn't like it, but if he's been in this work pattern for years then it was hardly likely to change was it?

Also with a one year old, I assume the OP is coming to the end of ML. Are you returning to work? If so, it's going to be very tough not getting a break at weekends . Is your DH around in the morning to help with getting the child off to nursery? What about pick ups? It seems to me the end of ML is an ideal time to have this whole conversation (though pre children would have been better!)