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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about friend commenting on my breastfeeding.

86 replies

NachoAddict · 15/11/2013 23:06

I went round to a friends house after I put the kids into bed so about 8pm.

Friends is two doors down from us. I had a two glasses of alcho pop with lemonade, friend had 1 - 1.5 bottles of wine and we had a good chat.

Dp rung me at 10 as Ds had woken up. This was the arrangement as although Ds will go down without feeding, when he wakes in the night he only settled with bf, he doesn't have a bottle, never has and gets quite cross if you offer him a dummy.

So I said to friend right I will be off then, ds is calling.

She replied He is 16 months old, I cant believe your still feeding him it's wrong. He shouldn't be sucking on your boob. I said he's just a baby and he needs me. To which she replied no you need him. You will still be feeding him at school.

I laughed it off because she had drunk a bottle of wine and wouldn't usually be so rude but should I have said something else?

AIBU to be still thinking about it and letting it worry me?

Also AIBU to drink two very weak alcoholic drinks while aI am breastfeeding?

OP posts:

BoundandRebound · 16/11/2013 07:48

You should breastfeed as long as you both want to

That said you shouldn't be breast feeding back to sleep at this age in my opinion - learning to sleep through and self settle is important for the child

TheRealAmandaClarke · 16/11/2013 07:55

For balance, I have to say I disagree about not feeding back to sleep.
They learn to settle. Nothing wrong with a little maternal comfort when you're tiny IMHO.
But I realise many ppl feel that it promotes "poor habits". Just not me.

Jenny70 · 16/11/2013 08:07

I did the feed to settle, probably because it was easy and it worked! For a while I thought the school was going to need to call me for feeds, but they all suddenly weaned at 3yrs.... no warning, no dropped feeds, they just stopped asking (and as I wanted them to stop, I didn't offer).

I think you need a direct comment, as they will comment again.

You could use the world health organisation recommend bf until at least 2yrs,
Or why is it their concern how you feed your baby?
Or I obviously don't agree and it's rude of you to comment on our choice of feeding.

Cat98 · 16/11/2013 08:53

YANBU on both counts. Ds breastfed until he was 3. If anyone tried to say anything (And maybe i was lucky, not many did)I just quoted facts/stats at them about why it was healthy. They didnt have anything to come back with then so tended to leave it.

Although my primary reason for feeding so long was comfort for ds and nourishment when he was ill rather than the health benefits, lots of people aren't aware of them and seem to think breast milk magically turns to water or even coke (clare byam-cook!) after an arbitrary time frame (6 weeks or 6 months or 1 year - whatever their personal 'disgust' threshold is usually!).

Original poster

NachoAddict · 16/11/2013 09:01

Thanks again for all the reassuring messages. Like Sqoosh I have never known anyone breastfeed past a year. Infact I only know 3 who have breast fed at all.

I won't mention it again an wouldn't fall out with her about it as its just something we disagree on, there are things she does that ave me hoiking my judgy pants and who knows if I were drunk I might say something.

Bragmatic alchopop is a vodka based drink which has been pre mixed and has an alcohol rating of about 5%, I added lemonade to this to further weaken it.

Bound I sort of agree with you, however our attempts to night wean haven't gone down well and with us both working and 2/3 other children in the house we are too knackered to give it the energy it needs. It works for us, for now.

OP posts:

Asheth · 16/11/2013 09:02

Yanbu. I BF DS3 until a week before his 4th birthday. All the people who told me he would never stop were wrong. It just came to a natural end when he was ready. He had always fed to sleep and for a couple on months after stopping bf he continued falling asleep on my lap. But now (aged 4 and 7 months) bed time is a story, quick snuggle and then I leave him and he chats to himself until he falls asleep! He rarely wakes in the night.

Birdsgottafly · 16/11/2013 10:55

I BF all three if mine, there was little advice around, my youngest is turning 16, like you I knew no-one who had BF.

I settled my DD at night with a feed, at 16 months, at around 18 months she self weened.

We all say things that we don't really mean when we are drunk.

I do think that unless you are a longer then an average BF'r, for the UK, you don't understand the need for both Mum and Baby once the main nutritional stage has passed (around 6-12 months).

SaucyJack · 16/11/2013 11:05

Is it possible that she was just frustrated and feeling bad for you, but it just came out wrong?

16 months should be plenty old enough to be left with his father for more than two hours for one night. I'd be pretty "meh" too, if a friend cut a night out early.

uhOhOhDear · 16/11/2013 12:49

Yanbu, World Health Organisation recommend Bf for two years or more, your ds is still young!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 16/11/2013 13:52

"16 months should be plenty old enough to be left with his father for more than two hours for one night"
Well, not if that 16 mo breast feeds to settle back to sleep Saucyjack
Unless the dad in question is sporting a rather fabulous pair of lactating breasts.

SpookyRestingFace · 16/11/2013 13:59

Echoing Asheth. Both my DC fed to sleep and I never did anything to put an end to it. Both now perfectly able to "self-settle". I just think it's a developmental stage, and yes, you can make them do it sooner rather than later if you wish, but all will do it eventually. I am a path-of-least-resistance sort of person and happy to let things happen when the time is right. And I also think letting children self-wean probably helps foster independence and self-sufficiency by taking any pressure off them and giving them a sense of healthy control over themselves. DS (5) dropped his bedtime bf around his 5th birthday. He just decided he didn't need it any more, and that was that.

I'd have been surprised and a bit offended if someone had spoken to me of a 16-month-old that way, OP. If I take a step back I can see that it's a prevailing attitude, but from my perspective, 16 months is very much a baby, I wouldn't have thought twice about needing to be available for boobs / night-waking / settling at that age.

ReluctantBeing · 16/11/2013 14:02

You can feed your child if you want to, but she is entitled to her opinion.

bumpandkind · 16/11/2013 14:06

You are giving your child an invaluable start in life and should be so proud. It's amazing how the Bf support drops after 6 months.

A senior nurse friend was alowed to keep bottles of stout in the neonatal unit fridge to boost her milk supply for her prem baby. ( this was in the 90 s and the little girl is a thriving and intelligent teen).

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 16/11/2013 14:09

I fed all three of mine until about 16 months. They all gave up on it before I was ready to. I hope you carry on until you feel it's the right time to stop.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 16/11/2013 14:11

Yes reluctantbeing the friend is entitled to her opinion.
But her assertion that bf a 16 mo baby is wrong, is, well, ...wrong
And the op WNBU to feel upset.
Yy to spooky

womblesofwestminster · 16/11/2013 14:22

Sorry if this has already been asked: did she bf?

willowisp · 16/11/2013 14:30

I don't think you should be feeding a16 mth old baby during the night. Get DH to soothe him & do sleep training.

Your friend is rude & thoughtless, I has a similar incident where my friend said "eurgh....yuk..." when I was feeding my DD who was similar age.

Great job on BF - I fed mine (but not at night ! ) untl 2 & 2.5 yrs. I have to say I regret the wine though - they both seem to have marks in their teeth which I feel responsible for, whether it had any affect, I don't know, but one more thing to feel responsible for :-/

TheRealAmandaClarke · 16/11/2013 14:47

Do you mind saying how much wine willow ?

MySiamese · 16/11/2013 14:58

Well willow I still feed my 20 month old to sleep in the middle of the night if she wakes, you might not think mums should do it but the OP has already said it works for them for now.

I don't think parents should try 'training' their babies/toddlers. Kids aren't pet dogs. But that's just my opinion....

elfycat · 16/11/2013 15:26

I BF to a year with DD1 (I stopped because she dropped me :( as soon as she tasted cow milk and I was about to TTC with DD2 so I was fairly happy). My SIL told me at anout 8 months that I could stop if I wanted to. I tend to be quite blunt and may have pointed out that I was intelligent to know what I could do with my own child and my own body.

DD2 didn't want to take a bottle at all until 11 months, not even with expressed milk. I BF her to 15 months when she also seemed to naturally tail off her requests. By this point in my BFing career everyone around me knew better than to comment

Don't let other people influence your decisions, they are basing their ignorance comments on a different set of values and information. You are in the right. I wouldn't plan to stop just as we approach cold, flu, norovirus and plague season winter. Of course don't let that infuence your decision either!

elfycat · 16/11/2013 15:28

(apologies for spelling mistakes and missing words. DD2 (3) removed half my keys on the laptop yesterday and it is still recovering)

Original poster

NachoAddict · 16/11/2013 16:54

It wasn't a night out, I just called in on her for a bit while she was alone and we had a gossip and a drink. I have three kids to get up with of a morning so was never gonna be a late night.

Glad to see so many natural term breastfeeders, where are you all in my rl.

I am loathe to night wean and have to use another method to settle him if he continues to wake whic will be more disruptive. Both ds1 and dd were bottle fed and didn't sleep through until 3/4 even if it was just a case of going in and giving them a little pat or a shh.

oh and no she didn't breastfeed, she has said all along that she couldn't do it because of the amount they feed and how reliant they are on you. I don't judge her for that though, i didn't even try to feed ds1 or dd.

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 16/11/2013 17:00

Yanbu on either count.

Willow - drinking moderate amounts of wine will not have left marks on your children's teeth. Am assuming you are talking about their first teeth - far more likely that you were ill at some point in your pregnancy when their enamel was forming and this is what caused the marks. Or that's what my dentist told me as 2 of my children have had poorly formed enamel on their baby teeth.

thebody · 16/11/2013 17:12

oh tell her to fuck off.

nickelbabe · 16/11/2013 18:07

willow the marks in your dcs' teeth have nothing to do with your alcohol consumption
a woman on one of the bfing facebook groups to which I velong did a scientific experiment (she works in a lab) on the amount of alcohol in her milk, and the most it ever was was 1part in 10000. which is 0.01%

dd also has marks on her teeth. it's more to do with the speed they grow than anything else.

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