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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask for help re having MIL in the house for the weekend when I can't stand get

57 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 20:14

I have a very difficult MIL

I've always been able to get on with her but this have come to a head now I have an 11 month old DS and am 32 weeks pregnant

There was an incident a few weeks ago when she allowed DS to pour coffee over himself, refused to accept that she should have acted more carefully (it was wholly preventable) and then sent me two very unpleasant and nasty texts when I politely says that DH and I had got a bit of a fright. Accidents happen but the fact that she won't accept that her behaviour contributed to things is not really acceptable and the texts were just horrible. MIL has a long history of being unable to put anyone else's needs first so this is not surprising

I then ended up the week later in hospital with unexplained bleeding and have been told to avoid stress.

Against my better judgement, PIL are coming this weekend to look after DS whilst DH and I got to an NCT class for three hours. Most of the time DS will be asleep and I know that if I had refused to let then come, then it would have caused a huge argument

The PILs do nothing to help at all so having them for two nights is a lot of work

I thought I had worked through things in my head and had a very useful thread in relationships and got some great advice

However, now they are about to arrive, I am seething with resentment and I really do not want them in the house

I'm really unsure as to how I'm going to hide how I feel and be civil to them not like me and I also do not want to end up back in hospital due to the adrenaline/stress combo. I've already had two arguments with DH this evening as im taking it all out on him and they've not even arrived yet

AIBU to ask for your tips about how to deal with them this weekend? I've already gone to bed which DH says is rude. I know it is but I just don't want to see them.

OP posts:
Bumbolina · 15/11/2013 20:16

I had a big argument with my mil - I forced myself to be the bigger person. You have to have this person in your life, there is no hiding from them. So get out there, get it over with, and you might find it isn't as bad as you think.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 20:19

bum - if I may call you that Grin - you are quite right.

I totally agree with you and keep telling myself this. I am not a confrontational person but I just cannot seem to take your good advice ps are you my mum?

OP posts:
GobbolinoCat · 15/11/2013 20:19

Its hard to comment, without knowing the back history, for instance, why when there are problems are they coming at all? Who has instigated this? Your DH, does he stand up for you etc?

Anyway, however you go to this your bed is made and you have to lie in it, you said you wanted to avoid an argument..

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 20:20

Did you win the big argument? Seriously, I think I could be magnanimous in victory more easily

Instead I ignored the texts which was the right thing to do but I feel I could have decimated her in response!

OP posts:
Bumbolina · 15/11/2013 20:21

I know you are pregnant - but would a all glass of wine help? Please take my advice! I had to drive all the way to my MILs house, on my own to make amends... I have never felt so sick, angry and bothered in all my life. But I did it... and I'm so glad I did Grin
Ps- I don't think I'm old enough to be your Mum Grin

Bumbolina · 15/11/2013 20:23

I like to think I won... but not sure what she would say.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 20:24

Oh God - they're here. I'm going to have to get out of bed, aren't I?

Yes - re the wine. I think a large bottle with a curly straw maybe in order

I think that will less harmful to the baby than sky high blood oressure!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 20:25

I know I need to be the bigger person but it's awful

OP posts:
Idespair · 15/11/2013 20:26

Do you need the nct class as it's not your first baby? Or could you leave dh at home with ds? Why risk leaving him with mil?

GobbolinoCat · 15/11/2013 20:27

Thats what I was thinking I, why the class and why so long?

Anyway, good luck op Grin

eightandthreequarters · 15/11/2013 20:29

Stay in bed. You are under doctor's orders - tell your DH to back you up. Hide in your room like a teenager - they do it for years, surely you can shove enough snackfood under your bed to last one weekend? Grin Allow DS to join you - he'll love it.

BusyLittleSpider · 15/11/2013 20:31

Definitely don't run around after them, your DH really should be intervening here, after all you have a young DC and are 32 weeks pregnant!

They sound awful btw Shock

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 20:31

We don't need the class but joined really to meet people as the people I know with babies are all back at work now

So I don't need to go. We asked the PILs to look after DS what fools pre the "coffee" incident so to cancel would have really been making a point and DH felt it was a step too far

OP posts:
Wibblypiglikesbananas · 15/11/2013 20:35

I remember your previous thread.

Why did you still have them babysit?

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 15/11/2013 20:35

X-post. In which case, DH can deal with them.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 20:36

eight - I'm thinking about doing that. I also have SPD bit they're quite happy to watch me hobble to and from the kitchen to make them cups of tea

That won't be happening this weekend as:

  1. I'm on strike; and
  1. No hot drinks near DS. I'm thinking of hiding the tea bags and coffee before I go out tomorrow Grin

I haven't even got in food for tomorrow night's dinner and it would never even occur to them to bring anything or offer to make anything to help . I plan to sit there, a serene island, until DH does something or they mention it

OP posts:
Corygal · 15/11/2013 20:36

I remember your thread. Stay in bed, arming yourself with snacks and reading matter.

GobbolinoCat · 15/11/2013 20:46

Sounds like a plan....just be careful what you wish for though....If MIL is forced to step into your vacuum, she could be hard to winkle out of it.

pianodoodle · 15/11/2013 20:47

I'm 34wks pregnant, also have a toddler.

I'm getting quite good at hiding when PIL come over. Especially with being pregnant again - I can pop off to the loo plenty (and take my phone with me for Web browsing) or go for a lie down.

Sometimes the dog cries to be taken for a walk soon after they arrive (especially if you "accidentally" show the dog her lead out of view of your guests) so I simply have to take her out for a bit.

Mine don't stay for whole weekends though. Don't be running round after them anyway! Let your DH do that if he wants to.

JassyRadlett · 15/11/2013 20:50

Repeat after me: 'You won't mind getting it, will you? I've been advised to stay off my feet when I can'.

Apply to everything from tea to the TV remote. Grin

wickedwithofthenorth · 15/11/2013 20:52

If I were you I'd be taking the kettle with me and any other implements that could be used to heat water. And insist that mil drinks from ds son's beakers if she must have hot drinks. And that no hot drinks will be given to any one, just warm, due to ds's recent trauma.

I really understand how you must be feeling and I'd really struggle to trust anyone who did that if they showed no regret for their actions.

Unfortunately you can't really do anything without dh's support without causing an argument which you really don't need.

mistlethrush · 15/11/2013 20:54

I remember your previous thread too...

Stay in bed now.

Go to the class tomorrow on your own otherwise you will be worried about DS the whole time (I went to a similar NCT class on my own as DH couldn't make it)

Sit and beam waiting for supper (but have some snacks in the wardrobe just in case)

Good luck and keep us posted, even if it is just to be an outlet for pent up frustration!

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 20:55

gobbolino this is weird. Like talking to a cypher! fair point. However as MIL is the most unhelpful person I have ever met, I can confidently predict that we would all starve to death before she made anything g to eat Grin

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 15/11/2013 20:57

You won't though as you will already have a secret stash in the wardrobe.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 20:59

mistle - I would like to do that but an sure I won't be able to persuade DH to stay at home. If I could, what reason would I give MIL?

OP posts: