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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask for help re having MIL in the house for the weekend when I can't stand get

57 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 20:14

I have a very difficult MIL

I've always been able to get on with her but this have come to a head now I have an 11 month old DS and am 32 weeks pregnant

There was an incident a few weeks ago when she allowed DS to pour coffee over himself, refused to accept that she should have acted more carefully (it was wholly preventable) and then sent me two very unpleasant and nasty texts when I politely says that DH and I had got a bit of a fright. Accidents happen but the fact that she won't accept that her behaviour contributed to things is not really acceptable and the texts were just horrible. MIL has a long history of being unable to put anyone else's needs first so this is not surprising

I then ended up the week later in hospital with unexplained bleeding and have been told to avoid stress.

Against my better judgement, PIL are coming this weekend to look after DS whilst DH and I got to an NCT class for three hours. Most of the time DS will be asleep and I know that if I had refused to let then come, then it would have caused a huge argument

The PILs do nothing to help at all so having them for two nights is a lot of work

I thought I had worked through things in my head and had a very useful thread in relationships and got some great advice

However, now they are about to arrive, I am seething with resentment and I really do not want them in the house

I'm really unsure as to how I'm going to hide how I feel and be civil to them not like me and I also do not want to end up back in hospital due to the adrenaline/stress combo. I've already had two arguments with DH this evening as im taking it all out on him and they've not even arrived yet

AIBU to ask for your tips about how to deal with them this weekend? I've already gone to bed which DH says is rude. I know it is but I just don't want to see them.

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 15/11/2013 21:05

I've already gone to bed which DH says is rude.

Oh boo hoo. It's not rude when you're pregnant, sore and tired.

mistlethrush · 15/11/2013 21:07

Stuff the reason for MiL... or tell her the truth - after the coffee incident you don't feel that she's safe to leave with him.

Tell your DH that, in order to keep your stress levels down, you need him to keep his son safe. You really won't be able to concentrate on the NCT class or making friends if he's not at home. I suppose if you know that your son will be asleep (if you can count on her leaving him sleeping for his nap, not waking him up) for an hour or so you might go for that amount of time?

diddl · 15/11/2013 21:15

"The PILs do nothing to help at all so having them for two nights is a lot of work"

Let your husband look after them-and he can ask them to help if necessary.

How did she contribute to the coffee accident?

How was it handled?

Is her not admitting any part her being defensive or does she really think that she did nothing wrong?

That might colour whether I thought my child would be safe or not.

mistlethrush · 15/11/2013 21:23

The previous thread that gives those details can be found Wink

DollyShouldHaveDumpedStiva · 15/11/2013 21:51

You've had some great advice here about not running round after them. I can contribute a suggestion for how to deal emotionally. You need to find a way to make the situation really funny to yourself.

I got really het up once when we were having relatives to stay because it seemed like we were going to have a conversation in which I would be forced to confront their racist views and it would have lead to a massive bust up. I got very stressed anticipating it, so much so that I tipped over into hysterical laughter, imagining saying things like 'I would make you a cuppa, but unfortunately we've run out of RACIST TEABAGS'

I was then able to be calm and could talk them round from their views without, eg, screaming ' You're worse than Hitler and I hate you!'.

so can you make yourself laugh about this? Try imagining the terrible things you'd like to say but won't. Imagine being incredibly cheeky.

Then totally take the kettle with you tomorrow.

GobbolinoCat · 15/11/2013 22:23

Yes it is weird, I am sure I had my name before you ner ner ner

Just make sure you stand your ground and dont feel bad and cave in. Put yourself first it seems no one else is going too.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 23:06

Hmm. Not sure gobbolino. I've had mine for about a year Grin

Anyway, I've just been down stairs to tidy up the trail of tea cups and wine glasses that the lazy arses have left

I think my blood pressure must be about 500/3000'at the moment

I am so not a confrontational person but am actually wondering if it would be better all round just to get it all out in the open and tell them how rude and selfish and horrible I think they are. The stress levels are coming from having to pretend all is OK.

Am seriously contemplating divorce so I never have to see them again

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 15/11/2013 23:14

Based on your previous thread, you, personally wouldn't miss out on much - DS would miss out on being allowed to spill hot coffee on himself and being passed around as a photo opportunity, and your DH would avoid having to sub his other relations for their expenses...

pianodoodle · 15/11/2013 23:17

I'm the same I don't like being confrontational but I've learned to be firm when I need to be as well.

I ring my mum to have a chuckle about PIL it really helps!

Stop that tidying though. Let them clear up their own muck!

BaldHedgehog · 15/11/2013 23:18

You should have left the cups and glasses either for them or your DH to clean. Can't you embrace your bump tomorrow with a few achy grumbles and say" I'm not feeling well,I'm going to lie down"? Perfectly within your rights, nothing rude about it. Rude are your PIL's expecting you to wait on them and your DH letting them treat you this way. Tell him don't you dare ask, just tell to get his feckin finger out and entertain clean after HIS parents.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 23:23

That's what I'm thinking mistle - I am fuming

The only thing is that I don't come from a background if falling out with people/family so I just am finding handling these feelings very hard but suppressing them is making me feel ill.

I honestly had the red mist when I went downstairs to get a drink and saw everything

I actually considered just getting DS and going to a hotel tonight but that would be nuts and obviously not good for DS so of course I won't but I'm shocked I feel like this - how angry I am

I don't tend to really fall out with DH but I'm seething with him too.

There is no way that I'm going to be able to force myself to be convincingly polite tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 23:27

Everyone who says to leave it - that seems sensible but they wont do it so I'm left with more and more to clean up
and having the house like a shit tip for days

God - I'm going to end up back in hospital at this rate. Am doing my hypnobirthing breathing to try and calm down

I think I'm actually most furious with DH. My parents are the total opposite of this but if they were like this, there's no fucking way I'd let them treat DH like this

OP posts:
violetshoes · 15/11/2013 23:28

I read your previous thread and agree you have a difficult MIL. Rather than go from doing what they want to having a full on confrontation, you might want to consider telling them what you want calmly first.

I understand where you're coming from as I'm a like this too. I sometimes end up doing what other people want and feel resentful and martyrish and then have a meltdown. What would be more productive is to decide what you want and then tell them. (I know, I should do this too!) Don't lose your cool. So as far as the rest of the weekend goes, calmly say that you have been told by the doctor to take it easy so you won't be able to do XYZ, and then stick to it. So no more tidying up after them.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 15/11/2013 23:30

I retreat to MN when the in-laws come and DH amuses himself by videoing them covertly, using the 'Action Movie' app to blow them up with thermo-nuclear devices and e-mailing me the resulting videos.

HTH?

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/11/2013 23:37

understand where you're coming from as I'm a like this too. I sometimes end up doing what other people want and feel resentful and martyrish and then have a meltdown. What would be more productive is to decide what you want and then tell them

violet - yes. This is a very true and fair comment.

However, I feel like it would be speaking to two Martians about the customs expected on earth. Lifting a hand seems totally alien to them - there is so much to say.

Also just to be further martyrish shouldn't DH be sticking his neck out and doing this rather than his ill/heavily pregnant wife?

Sorry - I know IABU and your advice is very good and fair

OP posts:
JumpingJackSprat · 15/11/2013 23:45

Ask your partner to clear up. It's his family causing the mess.

BlackeyedSusan · 16/11/2013 00:08

when you go out, ccidently get pregnancy bin and take the cord from the kettle with you, or hide it somewhere in your bedroom.

you hve to put your baby first. you need to keep baby oin the inside for few more weeks. go to bed. with the kettle and tell dh tht if he does not cler up after his parents he is risking his babies well being due to it causing you strress.

Retroformica · 16/11/2013 08:10

Get a good book and lap top and hide away in the bedroom saying you have pelvic pain/feel exhausted/legs ache badly or what ever.

diddl · 16/11/2013 08:26

"Everyone who says to leave it - that seems sensible but they wont do it so I'm left with more and more to clean up
and having the house like a shit tip for days"

Well if this "they" includes your husband-surely that's your problem-he's as lazy as his parents!

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/11/2013 08:27

If you are going to have a messy house from the left mugs then just leave them, they will run out eventually. Just stay in bed for as long as you can.

SilverApples · 16/11/2013 08:34

They sound very annoying and not worth the stress, but I'd be aiming the wrath at your husband. He needs to deal with them, and his 11 month old and the housework and leave you to be calm and in bed and relaxing.
You are not being rude by withdrawing, he has made it necessary by his failure at communicating what is needed to his blummin' parents.

LadyFlumpalot · 16/11/2013 08:36

Ok, this is what I do when PIL come for the whole weekend. Announce that you would like to take them out for the day to somewhere they would really like to go that is quite a distance away

Develop a migraine half an hour or so before due to leave. Insist DH still takes them as you would hate to ruin the day. Apologise profusely and take to your bed. You then have a WHOLE day to yourself!

Applefallingfromthetree2 · 16/11/2013 08:49

Just wondering what you lot will think/do when you are PIL. Do you imagine you will perfect. Unlikely in view of some of these nasty comments.

Obviously you must make sure your DC is safe. If you are unhappy don't expect them to babysit.

angeltattoo · 16/11/2013 08:50

STOP clearing up! I'm actually amazed that you'd have to ask DH to do it, my DH, and most other adults, would clean up after themselves, surely?

Your MIL sounds mad, as I think I said on your last thread, but yor DH is your problem, as he is more worried about offending themthan upsetting you - it says it all really.

There's no way that I could physically leave my baby with them, not knowing that they'd do everything in their power to stop him getting hurt. You'll be anxious the whole time, won't relax and enjoy yourself, and probably defeat the object of going!

In this situation though, DH would back me up, even if he thought I was overreacting - so, again, he's really the problem here.

Practically, you need to stop pandering to them, no cleaning, no cooking - presumably your DH has two hands, two legs, is physically able to make and clear up after a cup of tea? You're his heavily pregnant ffs wife, not his kitchen servant. And if your DH won't stay home while you go which he won't because he won't upset his mummy then I'd feel too unwell to attend and stay home with DS myself.

Can you ring the NCT leader, explain you're ill, but wanted to attend, and could they let the others know and pass on your email address? That way you would still be able to attend meet ups. Or head to local NCT cafe or baby groups with baby, and meet other mums that way.

Sending you Cake and Brew to get through the weekend. time seems to stand still when my PIL visit Grin

mistlethrush · 16/11/2013 09:51

Applefalling - have you actually read this thread - and the previous one? OK, perhaps we won't be 'perfect' PiL when we've got to that stage - but can you imagine sitting around and letting your heavily pregnant, has been ill recently, DiL clear up the mugs and glasses you've left around - or indeed exclude her from all family photos but remove your son from you so that you can 'stage' photos but not care for him enough to ensure that he can't grab a hot cup of coffee and spill it over himself? Oh - and leave the family seriously out of pocket too, just so that they can look 'good' to the golden boy?

OP, I hope that all goes well and you get DH on side this morning!