to think potty training shouldn't be this bad...

[toiletturmoil]

I know there's a sub-section on this and I've tried posting in there but I need the traffic, I'm absolutely at the end of my tether with this and starting to worry that something is seriously wrong and need some advice.

My dd is 2 years and nearly 10 months. For about seven or eight months I've been gently coaxing her to use the pot but without much real strategy or coercion, I basically took the view that she would show some interest when she was ready and I didn't want to turn her off it by pushing it too hard.

About two months ago, in consultation with my childminder (she's with her five days a week so this is important) we decided to step it up a bit. When she's at home with me and my DH she absolutely refuses to go anywhere near the pot or the toilet seat. Any attempt to put her on it leads to a massive fit of screaming and crying and eventually she normally starts to throw the pot.

I'm told that when she's with the CM she will sit on the pot quite happily but never produces anything and typically holds wee in until she is put back into nappies at which point she will let go. Because she's so reluctant to go on the pot I've been reluctant to push too much at home and have not been forcing the issue for fear of traumatizing her.

About a week ago my CM took me aside and gently but forcefully said we need to get tough with her, other children younger than her are progressing faster and they are getting moderately worried about it.

So we've started enforcing a period of forced sitting on the potty in the morning and evening before she goes to the CM and at weekends. And its gone down so badly. Massive tantrums, tears, throwing the pot etc etc.

I know its not supposed to be a walk in the park but I was expecting there to be some progress by now and I'm quite worried. I cannot think of anything that has happened to traumatize her and make her fearful of the potty. But I'm starting to wonder what happens to kids who just won't ever learn...

My dd is in other ways quite bright (I know all mums say this but its backed up by what everyone else says) and well adjusted, her language skills are fine and she doesn't have any behavioural issues that we've noticed. Its just this.

Please someone tell me this will end.... and that its not just me.

She's obviously not ready or interested. Potty training should only take a couple of weeks done at the right time. In your shoes I would back off completely and wait till Easter. There is no rush. Leaving it longer will make things less stressful, quicker and less messy.

There is no need to forcefully potty train her and for it to be an awful experience.

It will end and it's not just you. IT WILL HAPPEN.

Just re-read your OP and I am fuming at you CM. I honestly think you need to back right off for a few weeks. Try a weekend in pants so that your DD starts to feel what it's like to be wet and be prepared to run to the loo when she needs it. Trackie bottoms are useful for this as they soak up the wee!

This was only required once for my DD1 but several times for DD2 with a few weeks break each time. Both of mine refused to sit on a potty or toilet until they understood why they needed to. Both stubborn and busy girls.

It's nothing to do with how intelligent or articulate your child is and it won't go on their CV.

I am really really against pushing children into doing something when they are kicking back so hard.

I do not get or understand it.

They will come to it when they are ready, why cant you wait for her cues rather than forcing her?

Its such a sensitive issue I would not want to leave a nasty longer legacy there.

WaitMonkey - when I mentioned primary school, my point was that it is years away.

Allegrogirl - I wish I had known the trackie bottom thing when training DD as carpet puddles are a pain to clear up.

While I agree you should back off, it sounds like she is still in nappies sometimes and not others? I think this can be really confusing for them and she probably doesn't know what's happening. personally I'd go back into nappies completely for a few months then book a week off work, and go straight into pants. Let her choose them, and no potty, just the loo and a step.

I Agree. Back off. She's probably physically ready but she is not emotionally ready. What other DCs are doing is irrelevant.

I think leave it until she is over 3 then have a "everyone wears knickers weekend" as Allegrogirl says

Some DCs never use a potty

I knew I'd get emotional about PT, and I'd seen my friends struggling with an ambivalent son who was in and out of nappies. I also know people who trained too early under conditions of too much stress and whose children have toileting issues.
So mine were trained well after 3 - DS1 because he had to be for a new Playgroup; DS2 because he finally asked to go into pants (inconveniently enough, just when I had raging tonsilitis)

X post

yy bigkids

You absolutely must take the pressure off. You say she is stubborn - making it into a battle will surely then only make it worse, as it starts off she is scared, ends up being a massive power thing, the only way out then is to give up or "break her will" - surely not what you want to do at all!!

Back off, and let her come to it in her own time. DS was exactly the same. He turned 3 in the October, had his pre-school visit the September before - utterly not potty trained. The nursery teachers had come to do a home visit and they sucked their teeth and said "Please really try, we don't have changing facilities". Stressed to the nines about it. Stopped pushing (can't remember when) - then suddenly noticed that by Christmas he was absolutely fine, always asked for a wee on the toilet. He started nursery in January! Talk about last minute But yes - total turnaround, he wasn't ready at all at your DD's age but 2 or 3 months later he was absolutely fine.

Still won't poo anywhere other than home, but, you know. Small victories

I also agree that when it happens, don't stress about night dryness. "Night pants" until they are consistently dry

Ds1 trained in 3 days at 2 yrs 362days. Ie just when he was ready to.

DS2 is 3.2 and I haven't even tried yet. He is not interested in the slightest. If he still isn't into it by Christmas I am going to do it then. So don't worry if she is not ready- it will happen.

Watching with interest as DS (also 2yrs9mths) is showing absolutely no interest in the potty. We've done gentle encouragement (having potties and pants about, letting him come into the loo with us, reading potty books, that sort of thing) but trying going nappy free a couple of months ago was an unmitigated disaster. CM asked if I wanted to try potty training. I explained the situation, and, thank goodness, she is happy to wait. He is also a very stubborn little thing, and I'd much rather wait and let him make the decision himself (or with very gentle guidance) than force it and end up with a massive battle of wills and possible "holding-on"/constipation issues. OP, you're not alone!

BTW we or rather MIL tried to force it too early, had some accidents and not realy getting it.

I left it a good 6 months idly tried again and we were done within two weeks, I think we had two night time accidents and no day time ones.

same with the dummy....

I am also watching with interest. We had to force our two oldest DC as they were 4.5 and school wanted them dry. With DC3 we have a bit more time as he won't start school until nearly 5. How do you get a 2 or 3 yo to be ready or interested? wonders if there's some magical way they we don't know about

Didn't start with ds till 2.11, and he got the hang of it (day time only for another 6 months) within a week. Didn't use a potty though, straight to toilet (we had both available, was obvious which he prepared).

I think your cm is adding unnecessary pressure.

Your DD is not ready and your CM is completely wrong. I used to run a continence and enuresis clinic (HCP) so I know a bit about what I'm doing

Using the potty or toilet is a developmental stage - whilst you can encourage and reward effort you cannot make a child toilet trained until they are physically and cognitively ready.

When a child knows they NEED a wee/poo (not that they have already done one, but that is the first step), can make their way to the potty or toilet and remove their clothing (with assistance if necessary) then they are ready for toilet training.

Until then you are on a road to nowhere.

NB whilst you can reward the effort of using the potty or toilet you shouldn't reward for a wee or poo, or punish for soiling/wetting as that is something that may be out of their control.

If a child is ready to achieve continence then it will not be a battle and you shouldn't have many accidents at all.

(Disability and SN excepting, that is a whole different ballgame)

Our dd sounds v similar to yours. She got upset if we asked her to sit on the potty, big tantrum or would sit for 3 seconds and then get up. She would also hold in wee all day. We tried training at 2.5, 2.8 and then again at 2.11.

I knew at 2.11 that she had good bladder and bowel control but just didn't like the idea of the potty. What worked for us (and it's probably not the recommended approach!) was just putting her in pants, making sure she knew where the potty was and letting her get on with it. For the first couple of days she held on and wet herself once each day. The next few days she started having more frequent accidents which wasn't great but felt like progress as she was obviously feeling more relaxed about it. And then she finally got a wee on the potty on about day 10 and that was that - fully potty trained! She has had about 2 accidents total since that day.

I don't know if she would have come to it herself given time but I think she just needed to get over the fear and once she did it once she was fine from then on .

worriedkat only one of the children I have potty trained has shown an interest or used the potty before I started training. but when nappies are gone and their choice is to pee in their pants or pee on a potty most choose the potty. I have never made a child sit in a potty or got annoyed over an accident. it is only a battle if you make it one.

Fogot to say we used a sticker chart and he loved that,he got a sticker for trying and a sticker for doing the deed.A week later he doesnt even want a sticker and just does it.

With all of mine (3 of them) we let them go around the house without a nappy. Quite a few accidents but never mind. They come to it themselves. It becomes a benchmark and pressure point of sorts but when they are ready they are ready.

Calm down OP I know there is huge amounts of pressure put on to parents to "Potty Train" but first off, I know of not a single incontinent adult who is incontinent because of "Failed potty training", not one.
so, here's a question, whos going to benefit most from this enforced potty training? the childminder? you? or your child?
It would seem that your child is not ready,but will be if you give it time,
Listen to your child, and Tell your childminder to back off, remember you employ the child minder not the other way around, to do what is best for your child.

I had similar frustrations with my eldest DC. He wouldn't go near a potty or a toilet, just threw a tantrum. I tried to train him shortly after his third birthday and he just kept peeing in his pants and not even remotely signalling that he needed one or that he'd done one. We tried sitting him on the potty for ages, potty training books, the teddy on the potty blah blah but nothing interested him.

Then suddenly when he was about 3.5 he woke up and didn't want nappies anymore because "nappies are for babies" and he's never looked back. Never had an accident, always tells us when he needs to go... Just like that. It's all about when the child is ready because until then there'll just be an almighty power struggle. Just read a few of the potty training books aimed at their age, let her choose her own undies, stickers on the potty- whatever would help her build up that confidence. And remember, this won't last forever- she will be trained eventually!

Like lots of previous posters I think its really bad advice your cm is giving you. She will donit when she is ready.

I had pressure from some family to train from 2 but didn't. My ds was 3 I had a few days off work and we spent them in the house he wore nothing from waist down and had a sticker chart(usually can get one made with favourite character and name from ebay) and treats for success he was dry within 2 days clean within 4 only thing is you need to clean up the odd accident

She's just not ready. So what if other kids have done it earlier, She won't still be in nappies at 18.

You need to stop it all completely and have a break.