to think potty training shouldn't be this bad...

[toiletturmoil]

I know there's a sub-section on this and I've tried posting in there but I need the traffic, I'm absolutely at the end of my tether with this and starting to worry that something is seriously wrong and need some advice.

My dd is 2 years and nearly 10 months. For about seven or eight months I've been gently coaxing her to use the pot but without much real strategy or coercion, I basically took the view that she would show some interest when she was ready and I didn't want to turn her off it by pushing it too hard.

About two months ago, in consultation with my childminder (she's with her five days a week so this is important) we decided to step it up a bit. When she's at home with me and my DH she absolutely refuses to go anywhere near the pot or the toilet seat. Any attempt to put her on it leads to a massive fit of screaming and crying and eventually she normally starts to throw the pot.

I'm told that when she's with the CM she will sit on the pot quite happily but never produces anything and typically holds wee in until she is put back into nappies at which point she will let go. Because she's so reluctant to go on the pot I've been reluctant to push too much at home and have not been forcing the issue for fear of traumatizing her.

About a week ago my CM took me aside and gently but forcefully said we need to get tough with her, other children younger than her are progressing faster and they are getting moderately worried about it.

So we've started enforcing a period of forced sitting on the potty in the morning and evening before she goes to the CM and at weekends. And its gone down so badly. Massive tantrums, tears, throwing the pot etc etc.

I know its not supposed to be a walk in the park but I was expecting there to be some progress by now and I'm quite worried. I cannot think of anything that has happened to traumatize her and make her fearful of the potty. But I'm starting to wonder what happens to kids who just won't ever learn...

My dd is in other ways quite bright (I know all mums say this but its backed up by what everyone else says) and well adjusted, her language skills are fine and she doesn't have any behavioural issues that we've noticed. Its just this.

Please someone tell me this will end.... and that its not just me.

You should have a consistent approach, but both of DD's nurseries have said that they will take their cue from us. Why would you pay someone to make your DD sit on a potty for 45min when she just doesn't get it?

Your DD will get there in her own sweet time"

Yes, this.

Hi, we did the toilet training thing with both my boys around the 2yr 7 month point.

We didn't bother with a potty at all, just waited until we had a good stretch of time off together (it was xmas holiday actually) and put 'big boy pants' on them - no pull-ups.

We basically just had a week of being extra vigilant with if they looked like they were going to wee/poo and whisking them off to the toilet when necessary - it only took 2 or 3 times of them having a much celebrated success (cheers, clapping etc, completely OTT) for them to get the gist of it.
It took a quite a few accidents aswell, but I think that the pants help because they feel the consequences of weeing/pooing, which they don't with pull-ups IYSWIM.

I definitely would steer clear as much as possible of making any sort of stress or anxiousness about it all, and your childminder seems to be making an issue tbh.

I kept on with 'night time nappies' (pull ups) for quite a while after though.

Your childminder's advice is awful and counter-productive. Your daughter is not ready to potty train, so leave her be for a while. My daughter had just turned 4 before she was willing* to give up the nappies and use the toilet full time. The biggest problem we had with that was other people's attitudes. I had to develop a thick skin about it and not shy away from telling people to back off and that it wasn't their business. I think you may have to do the same for your dd. She is not ready.

For gentle encouragement, you could take her shopping for knickers so she can pick out her own. She may get excited about wearing them then! Same applies with a potty. My dd chose her own bloody awful pink Disney monstrosity and it was a revelation to see her willing to use it.

When she is willing, she'll do it and it won't be the least bit stressful for any of you.

*I emphasise "willing" there because she was perfectly physicallyt capable of doing so but got very upset when we tried to make the switch.

The best advice I can give is get another CM............

All 3 of my Ds's were trained in less than a week - I waited until I thought that they were ready- about 2.10 iirc.

Dd is 2.11 and exactly the same. I was s childminder and I looked after a similar child who from 2-3 was coaxed but refused then at 3.2 just got it. Try not to worry

Re: full time child care, this shouldn't be an issue. My DS was at nursery full time, nursery helped as he saw other kids using the loos. We waited until nursery told us they felt he was ready (he showed an interest in what the others were doing). I then took some time off work, took his nappy off in the morning and by about lunch time after a couple of wees on the floor he was using the potty. Hardly had any accidents since.
In the months running up to this I had SO MUCH pressure from family about getting him potty trained. I'm so glad we bided our time. I strongly believe waiting is what made the process so easy.
So nursery was a big help IMO.

Back off from this,you will make her resent the training and fight it.It is honestly true that when theyre ready they will do it easily.By all means ask her if she would like to try and be a big big girl but if she says no then accept that.Age is not an indictor that theyre ready my ds is the same age and has only just accepted the change yet everyone else in his nursery class was already using the but thats fine.I got the same comment from nursery that he was ready and should be doing it as hes clever???He wasnt ready to do it and just wet himself constantly so i said no to them forcing him.Take your time with her,dont rush her and she will do it in time.Its not a thing to be upset about that shes not ready yet.I used to,when he let me,take his nappy off in the mornings and encourage him to use the potty,he didnt do it for weeks and weeks and asked for his nappy but he had the choice still and i think it helped not pressuring him.heehee i also shoved in a sneaky " but firemen dont wear nappies,policemen dint either do they?"

forcing her is not going to help. firstly I would forget the potty for a few months, not because she isn't ready but because there are too many negative associations. next take her pant and potty shopping and let her get excited about choosing her own, then chuck out all nappies, then explain to her if she needs a wee or poor to use the potty. that is it. don't ever force her to sit on the potty and never get cross about accidents. I have potty trained 4 children using this method and all have been dry within a few days.

She's still young don't push it plus you have plenty of time until she has to be trained. Very surprised at your CM pushing the issue.

Though if you are keen to keep going now you have started you could try swapping her to terry nappies/ pull ups then she'd actually feel what it's like to get wet and the sensation might encourage her to want to go (did this with my DD and really speeded up the process) Also try making it a fun/rewarding activity rather than a battle, stickers were my go to thing.

Good luck just try not to worry, all kids learn to pee in the toilet in the end.

She's not ready. Leave it a bit. I didn't even start with my son until 3 and even then it was hard work. It just clicked into place when he was 3.5 and he's completely dry during the day now. There's no hurry.

and get a new childminder. the one you have seems to know very little about children .

You say she is so stubborn you can't see a way through without forcing it a little.
Stubborn v stubborn will only lead to further stubbornness ime. Back right off from things she is bring stubborn over. She'll soon find other ways to focus her energy.

Your CM is talking bollocks, and frankly, wants your dd trained because her life be easier!
She will do it when she is ready.

It took DS a year to train. We started when he was three. He hadn't shown any interest but we thought we should. Wished we'd waited. months of accidents and hassle and getting annoyed and upset. CM was pushing it and cats bum mouth about accidents. DD showed interest at 2.2, got on with it, new CM went at our pace, is very happy to get really involved, helping to show them how to wipe etc and she cracked it in about a week.

I'm interested in all these replies too.

DD is 28 months and likes following me to the loo, sitting on the loo herself but doesn't do anything while she's on it :)

I haven't really fussed her I thought I'd just wait and then when she seems properly ready hopefully it won't take ages that way.

Have to admit I have no clue at all though - she's my first!

All the advice not to force seems sound to me.

Be very firm with child minder. Say that your dd isn't ready, and will be in nappies until you, not childminder decides. Then back off completely.

Your dd will at some stage, as she watches others, want to be out of nappies. And then it will happen. Potty training should take 5 minutes. "I don't want to wear nappies any more, mummy" "OK, darling here are some pants and there is the loo/potty. Shall I come with you and help you wipe your bottom?"

Ignore the CM, she honestly is talking rubbish. Your dd isn't even 3 yet. Give her time. I will eat my hat if she's still the same in 12 months. Back off for a bit. Who cares if children younger are getting it first, it's not a competition. Ignore the CM and listen to dd.

If anyone was forcing my dd on a potty for periods up to 45 minutes, I'd be having strong words. That must be bloody uncomfortable for her. Poor girl, give her a break. If it carries on like this she will end up with real issues.

Just catching up with this thread, sorry..
Don't worry about her starting primary school. She isn't even 3 yet. Stop getting stressed about it. I can feel how upset this is making you, so imagine how she feels.

Agree with above, CM is giving out bad advice. Pack everything away potties, knickers etc from both houses, and wait a month or two till she may be more ready. Insist you CM does not make any attempt as it will just be too inconsistent and confuse her.

My son was exactly the same, he was a stubborn little so and so, his twin was fully potty trained a good 3 months before him. He just told me one day he was going to use the potty and that was it.

Sticker reward charts worked really well in this house. Do you have any weekends off, would it be possible, when she is fully ready to take a friday annual leave and use the 3 days to make another attempt?

Don't worry too much. Ds1 was trained day and night by 2.6. DS2 really couldn't care less, he's 3 next month, he's done lots of wees and one poo on the toilet but insists on wearing nappies and will not wear pants. For the last month, since poking on the toilet he's refused to get back on. He too is extremely bright, great language and social skills. He is a lot more stubborn than DS1 so I'm just waiting for him to decide when he's ready. Good luck

As plenty of others have said, a child is ready when a child is ready. You can't make them walk before they have the ability, so this blind determination to force a child to stay dry is no different. They all develop at different rates.

DC1 did (daytime) into knickers with zero effort just past 3 years old and hardly any accidents.

DC2 was "encouraged strongly" by nursery at a similar age, and we spent around six months on our hands and knees scrubbing at the carpet before she suddenly worked it out and had zero accidents from that point on too.

DC3 is 2 years 7 months and can't even tell us if he has done a poo in his nappy yet.. will be some time! Half of his due date forum are trained already, some before they turned two.

For an easy life for everybody it is much better to not force it. It's just peer pressure and cultural expectations which are often completely unreasonable.

Toilet - we had to train before DS was quite ready because (2 11 months) there was no nappy which could hold the torrential wee! I am also f/t so took week off work when warm weather arrived and just let him run around with no pants on. For the first few days he just watched his body with interest. Then we started trying to get to potty using treats for trying - even.if not making- to.get there on.time. He mostly got the idea of wees in the potty in a week ( my Wee Friends stickers which change to a smiley face also helped).

Our big problem was no 2s - he was basically scared if how it felt coming out without being 'contained' - thought he was losing a bit of his body! Ended up with constipation, so we went back to giving him a pull up if he asked for one for about 3 months and gradually encouraged him to sit on potty with pull up on etc - whilst reading/bubble wrap popping, blowing bubbles etc etc. Next we went to trying to sit for no2s without pull up on, using a bowl if party toys as a reward for trying...it took a LONG 3 months! Things finally just 'popped' for him when we were all on holiday and v low stress situation .... The book 'Everybody pops' also helped explain what was happening to him. Good luck. This too shall pass...

Your CM is way out of line. I just can't see any point at all in forcing potty sitting when it can all be done so much more easily if you leave it a bit. My DD1 trained at 2.6 and my DD2 a week after her third birthday (would have been a couple of weeks sooner but we were on a camping holiday). I was a little worried about DD2 as she was showing zero interest approaching her third birthday but she suddenly decided for herself. We went pants shopping and cracked on. It's so easy when they're actually ready.

Nursery were very supportive and reassuring and did not rush DD2 at all. They told me not to worry and that children are all different in what age they 'get' it.