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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my mum and my c section?

71 replies

louloutheshamed · 15/11/2013 14:58

I had a normal delivery with my ds1 almost 3 years ago. 10 weeks ago I had ds2 by emcs, as I had placenta praevia and a big bleed.

Last week I was at a family occasion. My mum and her. 3 sisters were there and one of them asked me about my cs. My mum said 'isn't it funny that we (meaning her and her sisters) have had 12 children between us and none of us has had a cs'. She was just making an observation I suppose but I feel sad about it. I wonder too why my body let me down. I hate my scar. I really hate the fact that I had to have a cs, even though loads of my friends have had them too.

Please can Someone tell me how silly I am being?

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 15/11/2013 15:02

Your body hasn't let you down - you have two lovely boys

You are probably still feeling very sensitive right now - i'm sure your mum didn't mean to be unkind when she said what she did. I know from experience how folk can manage to trample all over your feelings with great ease without meaning to.

your scar will fade almost to nothing in time x

diddl · 15/11/2013 15:06

It perhaps was just an observation, but one that wasn't really necessary imo.

It's the sort of thing that comes off as a criticism, isn't it?

Try not to feel that your body let you down.

And thank goodness for the emcs-the alternative doesn't bear thinking about!

mrsjay · 15/11/2013 15:06

you body didnt let you down being pregnant is a medical condition I know millions of women do it but things can take a turn and many women and babies would have died if Cs didnt exist dont let your mum get to you and your body isn't broken or whatever else you think just because being pregnant is a natural thing doesn't mean that things dont happen, I hope you are ok let this go dont let it fester as you or your body did something wrong,

wherethewildthingis · 15/11/2013 15:07

I had my son my emcs in July. Someone I work with commented they "wouldn't have felt like I had given birth" if they had a section. People don't think before they speak, and they don't realise how hurtful they can be. Please don't beat yourself up, you and I and all the other ladies who give birth this way have nothing to feel bad about.

DontCallMeDaughter · 15/11/2013 15:10

There's nothing in a million years that could have been done to prevent your placenta being where it was. And everyone did what was necessary to get your son out safely for both of you...

If it had been your mum or one of your aunts 30 years ago, the outcome might not have been so good.

I know it can be hard not to have the birth you wanted. And you're probably feeling sore and emotional but just like the scar, these feelings will fade over time.

Enjoy your boys, make sure you get lots of looking after from all of those women, you will feel better about it soon

mumofboyo · 15/11/2013 15:11

You can hardly see my emcs scar now and it's only been 2.7 yrs.
It is disappointing when labour and birth don't go as expected, it can feel as though your body hasn't done its job properly but that's not true: you nourished and carried a healthy baby to term. A baby that's now happy and thriving. You needed help because of something beyond your control.
Just because someone has never had a c-section doesn't make them a better mum, in the same way that needing one doesn't mean you're somehow a failure.

SockQueen · 15/11/2013 15:14

Your C-section probably saved your life and that of your child. I hope your mum was just being accidentally thoughtless, but if she brings it up again I would point that out to her and hopefully she'll realise just how serious it could have been.

None of what happened is your fault - you can't control where your placenta grew!

Tee2072 · 15/11/2013 15:14

Actually, your body did exactly what it was suppose to do: let the midwives and doctors know there was something wrong so your child could be safely delivered.

Praise it, don't damn it.

Idespair · 15/11/2013 15:15

Your body didn't fail. It grew a beautiful baby. Who cares which exit was used?!

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 15/11/2013 15:18

I don't think you're being silly at all, I think it's totally normal to feel that way about a cs and your baby is still so little, congratulations by the way!

I felt the same as you when I had to have an emcs but time really does help and cs are a really wonderful thing when you think about how many lives they have saved

I'm quite fond of my scar now, I see it as a symbol of babys' safe passage into the world and a reminder of what I could have lost

I do have a little issue with the phrase 'giving/ gave birth' though because I cannot bring myself to feel that I gave birth to my two cs babies in the way I do about my others though I can also see why some women feel the opposite way that they absolutely did 'give birth'

thehorridestmumintheworld · 15/11/2013 15:19

I had an EMCS with my dd too. It wasn't the easy option or something, I was terrified. We shouldn't feel bad about it though, its wonderful that medical science has saved our lives when in an earlier age we might not have survived. We should be proud of our scars, like people are of battle scars. We got them in a good cause.

sleeplessbunny · 15/11/2013 15:20

That was pretty thoughtless of your mum, really. In the days before scans placenta praevia still occurred in just as many pregnancies, but the likely outcome was worse for mother & baby as it wasn't necessarily recognised in time. The same can be said of many other conditions I'm sure. Having a CS is infinitely preferable to being dead or seriously ill, I would say. Another reason why I am so glad I live in today's world. Please don't feel bad about it, a CS was absolutely the right thing for you and your baby.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 15/11/2013 15:21

I agree with everyone. Your body hasnt let you down.
I've had two ecs and 1 vontouse (sp) birth so if people wanted to be picky they can say that I havent actually given birth 'properly'
My scar is barely visible and I couldnt give a crap what people think. All my ds were born safely and I recovered quickly afterwards..thats all that matters.

ptpan · 15/11/2013 15:25

Your body didn't fail you!
You gave birth,the delivery method is irrelevant.
I can never understand why people comment on how other women deliver their babies.
I had an emergency c section with my twins after an 8 hour labour-fuck knows what would have happened if I hadn't had one-actually in all probability I would have died as well as my children.Nobody has ever questioned the method of their arrival other than comment how lucky we all were.
Your mother is being ridiculous,what does she think emergency c sections are for?!the clue is in the description!
I,my dear,am sending you a huge hug,congratulations on your new baby and an order to look after yourself well as you have had major surgery and a big slice of cake to enjoy.
And tell anyone nosy enough to comment to piss off!

BitOutOfPractice · 15/11/2013 15:25

Hello op. I'm not about to tell you that you're being U even though you possibly are.

I know in my head that I needed 2 emergency c sections to save my life and those of my babies. I know in my head that it was the only option. I know in my heart that I tried my best. I know in my head that a section is not a failure.

But still I feel really disappointed that I didn't do it "naturally". And a bit of a failure. And a bit guilty somehow.

Try and be kind to yourself op and know that how you feel is perfectly normal, even if it's not particularly reasonable or useful. The feelings will dim as well

And very many congratulations on your new baby

CoffeeTea103 · 15/11/2013 15:27

The delivery method isn't important. Your babies are here so that's all that matters. I just don't understand why people think going the c section route is the easy way out. I never think to ask anyone how the baby was delivered, it's no ones business in the first place.

thehorridestmumintheworld · 15/11/2013 15:31

I took ages to recover fully from my c-section and used to have flashbacks. Do you think you could be feeling a bit low OP due to your health not being 100% maybe?

Jinty64 · 15/11/2013 15:46

I was really disappointed after an emergency section with ds1. It was just not what I had envisaged at all. In reflection I think I decided to have ds2 so quickly to have a chance of "doing it properly". Ds2 was another section as was ds3 and, I can honestly say, I never give it a thought these days.

So YANBU to feel the way you do but I'm sure these feelings will pass. Congratulations on your lovely boys.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 15/11/2013 15:51

Your body didn't let you down. Placenta praevia could happen to anyone - it is just a chance complication and what caesarians are for.

It could just have easily have happened to your Mum or Aunts. They are just lucky. (or you are the lucky one, with your ds1 & 2

purrtrillpadpadpad · 15/11/2013 15:53

YANBU. Keep talking about it, don't let it stew. For what it's worth, I had an EMCS 6 months ago, and my scar is pretty awesome now. I never thought I'd think that. It's flat now, no shelf of skin hanging over. It doesn't hurt, it's not itchy, it's a neat dark line, like a little foof roof

Give it time, and give yourself a break.

Booboostoo · 15/11/2013 15:54

Your body didn't let you down, medicine saved your life and that of your baby. Your mum was insensitive, they did not have 12 kids between them naturally by an effort of will, they had them by good luck. What exactly would she have done in your position, willed her BP down? Telepathically stopped her bleed? Mind-controlled her placenta?

People just say the stupidiest things.

PenguinsDontEatPancakes · 15/11/2013 15:55

Are you sure that your mum didn't mean it in a 'you'd think out of 12 kids there would have been at least one' way- I.e grateful for being lucky? I agree it was thoughtless but unless she is generally toxic I doubt she meant to upset you.

It is a vulnerable time. I still remember a couple of things my mum said without thinking about my first birth.

BikeRunSki · 15/11/2013 16:00

I know how you feel soap. I went into hospital for a water birth and came out with a CS. It took menorahs and months to accept my scar, and then I had another cs, this time under GA! (Failed vbac). Eldest is 5 now, little one is 2 and I don't really think about it any more. The end result is two healthy children . I have a friend who says her cs scar reminds her of her baby who died 2 days later.

OrangePixie · 15/11/2013 16:07

I actually interpreted her comment as statistically speaking you'd expect some out of 12 to be a section.

monicalewinski · 15/11/2013 16:07

I don't think your mum meant it in the way it came across (I hope not, anyway).

I had an emergency C-section with my first and a scheduled (in as much as I knew the day before) C-section with my 2nd. They are 11 and 8 now and many people over the years have made comments to me without thinking (re me not really giving birth, and lazy births etc) - it did bother me a tiny little bit when they were small, but it's nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Your scar will be minimal after a year or so and you won't even notice it in the end; it is because of that C-section that you and your baby are here, and the reason that your other child still has a mum so it is a good thing - anyone who makes hurtful comments don't tend to think about those things.

Congratulations by the way! xx

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