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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my mum and my c section?

71 replies

louloutheshamed · 15/11/2013 14:58

I had a normal delivery with my ds1 almost 3 years ago. 10 weeks ago I had ds2 by emcs, as I had placenta praevia and a big bleed.

Last week I was at a family occasion. My mum and her. 3 sisters were there and one of them asked me about my cs. My mum said 'isn't it funny that we (meaning her and her sisters) have had 12 children between us and none of us has had a cs'. She was just making an observation I suppose but I feel sad about it. I wonder too why my body let me down. I hate my scar. I really hate the fact that I had to have a cs, even though loads of my friends have had them too.

Please can Someone tell me how silly I am being?

OP posts:
SugarHut · 15/11/2013 16:17

I don't think she meant to sound catty, I think it was a mere observation, as in statistically, at least one of their DCs should have been a CS.

Prepare yourself for comments though. DS is 5 and I still get them. I chose to have a C Section...and you won't believe how judgey other people can be. I loved mine, and I'd have another like a shot...although I'm not so sure how similar I would feel if it had been an emergency operation.

I get the whole disapproving looks, the "too posh to push" rubbish, and do you know what, the best thing is to play right into their hands and smile until they realise you are taking the piss out of their dim-witted, bitchy selves:

"Oh, I just wouldn't feel like I had given birth if I had a C-section" "Oh, absolutely, I didn't give birth, I had a child removal. You know, like a tooth out" And big smile......

Grin
CailinDana · 15/11/2013 16:18

If she's normally kind then it's probable she meant that you'd expect there to be more who had needed a cs. I and four of my cousins had babies in the last year and I'm the only one who didn't have a cs. Just pure luck. I don't feel any great sense of achievement because of it, in fact I quite admire their bravery - I find the thought of a cs terrifying.

Fun fact: my gran had nine c-sections. She is currently 83 and in great nick.

Mylovelyboy · 15/11/2013 16:22

How has your body let you down Confused. Does it matter how the baby was born. As long as you are both safe and well it should not matter one iota. You have given birth naturally and with a c section. You have done both. I do not know why some people get so upset about having a c section instead of natural. Neither is all its cracked up to be, apart from the lovely baby at the end. Would not even give it one thought.

McPie · 15/11/2013 16:25

I don't care If I didn't technically give birth to my 3 kids due to the 2 emcs I had to have (1st one in the family to have one too) what I do care about is that 12yo ds1 and 7yo dd and ds2 are here and happily healthy because of having a c section.
The end result everyone wants no matter the means is a healthy child and you have that so forget what was said by your mum, unless she brings it up again and then you will have to nip it in the bud!

Rangirl · 15/11/2013 16:39

I so see why you are hurt, it is perfectly natural to feel this way.I was a bit upset to have had a CS with my DD and for a long time I did feel a bit low about it You will feel better as time goes in I am sure your Mum did not mean to upset you,sounds a bit like mine ,says what she likes with no thought to how it makes you feel.Mind you I had 2 CS and someone (not my mum !)once said to me they would feel cheated out of the birth experience I thought but did not say not as much as I felt when I had my first child who was still born but delivered vaginally That' s being cheated Look after yourself

thebody · 15/11/2013 16:42

if you have a baby you give birth. end of.

don't feel anything except pride at what you have done. Thanks

I expect your mum meant that statistically it would be true that there would have been more C sections in the family.

well done you for being the special one. xxx

thebody · 15/11/2013 16:44

Rangirl, so sorry for your loss Flowers

elliejjtiny · 15/11/2013 17:03

Rangirl so sorry about your baby.

OP, my 4th was a C-section and the hardest birth of all of mine, definitely not the easy way out. You should be proud of yourself for growing 2 lovely boys.

HicDraconis · 15/11/2013 17:19

Having googled to find the actual definition of giving birth, phrases like "coming into being" "separation of infant from maternal circulation (by cutting umbilical cord)" are used. No mention of vaginas!

If you have had a CS, you have given birth. Brought into the world an entirely new being. I always lower the drapes and lift Mum's head as the baby is delivered through the incision so she can see it coming out (where possible anyway). And I say things like "your baby is being born now" to reinforce the birth aspect.

They still have a BirthDay! Unless there are people out there who call the anniversary of the event a "CaesarDay"! Happy ForcepsDay little one?

Caesar/forceps/vaginal muscles - mode of delivery.
Baby arriving into the world - birth.

Agree your mum was probably just being thoughtless. My reply would be "aren't I lucky, a hundred years ago with praevia and I'd be the one that died in childbirth".

Congratulations on your baby. Enjoy him and in your head try to be glad that with the help of modern medicine you have had a safe delivery even if in your heart you wish you hadn't had to.

Mylovelyboy · 15/11/2013 17:24

I dont see how a c section can make anyone feel cheated out of a natural birth experience. What a large gaping hole split from front to back. All stitched up like a quilt. Giving birth naturally is so painful its unbelievable. Please believe me its no picnic. I am sure c sections are painful but giving birth naturally is as well. Please do not think you have missed out on anything. I think when you have a new baby you are too tired and busy to sit there pondering on the way you gave birth. Anyway ignore your mum she is talking crap.

GrendelsMum · 15/11/2013 17:28

I'd agree with the others that she probably meant 'gosh, 12 children and all the births went okay'.

My DM frequently says cheery things like 'I was a Caesarian birth, and you were all Caesarian births, and now the DGs were Caesarians births - we'd all be dead if it wasn't for modern medicine'. (To which DN points out that we couldn't all be dead, because she wouldn't have been alive to conceive the next generation in the first place...)

Topseyt · 15/11/2013 17:35

I doubt that she meant it to be offensive. Just a bit cack-handed.

Your body worked fine during your pregnancy. It just needed some medical help to give birth because of where the placenta happened to grow, which was beyond anyone's control.

The way I look at my own emergency caesarean is that it was my only ticket to a healthy baby. It saved her life, and very likely mine as well.

LadyRainicorn · 15/11/2013 17:37

Mylovelyboy because perhaps simply being booked into a cold white room and having your baby removed at a scheduled time is a bit different from this big, life altering, primal physical event you've been told about? like being driven along a race track rather than running the race?

Louloutheshamed unless your mum has form I'd go with the statistical anomaly reasoning. Congratulations on your lovely new baby and be kind to yourself, you're recovering from major surgery as well as dealing with a new born. And don't worry about the scar - I had a keloid scar and even that is reducing and fading away now (6yrs) if I wasn't fat and flobby bellied (so it folds over - you can see something is pulling me fat in) you'd have to know it was there

SarahFx · 15/11/2013 17:48

You know your mum best as to whether it was a bitchy comment but I had a CS and I would have been offended by that. It's like she was saying they were better at giving birth than you when it's normally down to luck and anatomy.

I would never be able to give birth naturally due to a birth defect. I thank my lucky stars that I was born in a time and country where I wasn't allowed to die in childbirth. I couldn't give a toss about a natural birth.

Joysmum · 15/11/2013 18:19

I can relate too. I needed a C section and it hurts me still that I didn't have a natural birth.

So much for my birth plan when I said I might have gas and air if needed, nothing went right.

....tell a lie, the one benefit was that the midwifes weren't happy that I wanted hubby to be the first to hold our daughter and spoke against it. He was the first to hold her but wouldn't have been if I had remained in the midwife led unit instead of rushed to hospital. I'm so grateful that I have the look on his face engraved in my mind forever.

puffinnuffin · 15/11/2013 18:19

I do understand how you feel. People can be so insensitive without realising what they are saying is hurtful (particularly if family).

For my 2nd baby's birth I had planned hypnobirthing, water birth, whale music (well not quite!) and ended up with a C Section due to breech baby. At the time I felt as if I had failed (and was made to feel bad by NCT lady for not attempting a breech birth to help midwives experience one!!).

Now 4 years on it doesn't matter whether he came out the sun roof! You have a beautiful bonny baby. That is all that matters. Enjoy this precious time. It goes by so fast.

ocelot41 · 15/11/2013 18:22

Sounds like it was pretty tactless OP, and its important you feel supported now. Have you told her how hearing her comment made you feel? People can think its ok to say all sorts of whacko things to new mothers who have had birth experiences which were difficult/involved emergency medical interventions, and they don't seem to realise how much it hurts.

MrsDarylDixon · 15/11/2013 18:29

I wouldn't care if the dds had come out of my blimmin nose. They're perfect and they're mine.

Your body didn't let you down, the medical profesionals took the best course of action for you at the time.

I'm sure your mum didn't mean anything by it. Don't beat yourself up over something you can't change.

Enjoy snuggles with the toddler and newborn and forget about it.Thanks

Anchoress · 15/11/2013 18:38

I can relate, OP.

I made reference to giving birth to my son by CS at a friend's house once, and a woman I had never met before actually leaned in and said 'I'm going to have to correct you there - you didn't actually "give birth", you know.' She used air quotes and everything.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 15/11/2013 18:43

When someone like you, who had life saving surgery, says you feel your body let you down, I kind of look past you as to what and why on earth you would say that.

What culture, what frame work of society would lead a woman who had an amazing opportunity to Live to have her life saved and that of her baby, even come into the realms of ....my body let me down.

I feel so sorry for you op.

FWIW my Aunts are a stalwart bunch mostly in their 80's now, all had about 4/5 children between them. They were I know aghast at my section by Maternal Request.

I made sure I told them all about it and why I had it. Loud and proud.

One day these attitudes will be nothing but an archaic thing of the past.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 15/11/2013 18:47

Er why out of interest is a c sec a bad thing op? Tell me? I've had two. Emcs and elective.

Would you have preferred they left you to struggle on? Having had emcs I understand the scare the Surprise the fear but to think your body let you down....? Have you done the depression tests? If not maybe you should.....? ( tentative question not meant meanly)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/11/2013 18:50

If she's otherwise kind and a positive presence, it was probably a said-aloud-but-not-competitive remark on the statistics and probabilities. Nobody is going to score you on "presentation and delivery" least of all your DM, the family love you and are happy about DC2's safe arrival.

If you went back far enough, the family tree would probably mention women who for all anyone knows had a tough time of it - but the survivors are congratulated and their offspring cherished. The finer details are lost over time.

I don't call a CS cheating! Bring on modern medicine!

Now scoop up your lovely DCs, any negative thoughts will fade away.

thehorridestmumintheworld · 15/11/2013 19:04

anchoress I can't believe she said that to you! Shock. I can think of a few things to retort but is it worth it.

BlingBang · 15/11/2013 19:18

Your mum probably meant no harm.

I had an EMCS then the next was forceps and ventuese - both were induced and had epidurals. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to go into labour naturally and just be able to push your baby out without being in an OP theatre with loads of folk about. But still glad I have two healthy children - and had little pain compared to many.

harderthanitlooks · 15/11/2013 19:27

I had an EMCS under GA so I wasn't even awake for the first hour of my babies life. I could cry every time I think about it. I was told by a new mum with her 8 week old pfb that next time I have a baby "I really should try" to give birth naturally. Luckily for her she was holding her baby and I didn't drop kick her into next weekHmm