About my mum and my c section?

[louloutheshamed]

I had a normal delivery with my ds1 almost 3 years ago. 10 weeks ago I had ds2 by emcs, as I had placenta praevia and a big bleed.

Last week I was at a family occasion. My mum and her. 3 sisters were there and one of them asked me about my cs. My mum said 'isn't it funny that we (meaning her and her sisters) have had 12 children between us and none of us has had a cs'. She was just making an observation I suppose but I feel sad about it. I wonder too why my body let me down. I hate my scar. I really hate the fact that I had to have a cs, even though loads of my friends have had them too.

Please can Someone tell me how silly I am being?

Please don't feel your body has let you down, you have a beautiful new baby that your body produced. Please don't let this thoughtless comment get to you when you are vulnerable right now.

I took ten years and IVF several times to get my two DC, then was advised to have elective CS for both of them. I don't feel like I failed, I am amazed at my body for achieving carrying them. I did have one mother say to me that I might as well have ordered them from a catalogue, silly cow.

We put so much pressure on ourselves over this and all motherhood issues, a friend of mine was in tears last week over coffee that the planned home water birth of her DS hadn't happened and she ended up with a CS. Her son is 13 months old. I wish there wasn't this pressure. Just remember that the point is it will have no affect on your baby's life at all, none, so it really shouldn't matter.

Your scar will fade, it will stop feeling numb and will go flat. You will forget its there, I promise.

I have had three 'very easy' natural births. They hurt like hell. Frankly I did not find them a particularly wonderful or spiritual experience. However I have three wonderful children from them. The idea of childbirth to my mind is to deliver a healthy baby and have a healthy mum at the end of it. Why do women beat themselves up (and others) about this sort of thing. FFS women in Africa die because of 'natural childbirths' and so do their babies.

Wispa: Just what I think too: the aim is to have a live well baby and a live well mother.

I had a CS 30 plus years ago.
I would have died, like many did, if I had been trying to give birth 80 years ago.

You have a beautiful baby.
Don't fret about your scar.

I understand that feeling, that my body has failed me. I had 3 c-sections and my last dd was born with severe disabilities and eventually died aged 13 months. I also had 3 mc between their births, too. I often feel that my body didn't do the things other women's seem to do so easily. I still find hearing pregnancy and birth stories hard, as I wish I could join in care-free.
But on the good days, I manage to look at my two dds and feel that my body did something right I guess.

I'd planned a home waterbirth for DC1. I got an EMCS. Just one of those things. We now have an amazing paddling pool though...

My DM said something very similar. I asked her what she meant by it, and she said that she was genuinely amazed when she thought about the CS statistics (and reasons for having one) that she didn't know anybody of her generation who'd had one, and it made her wonder whether there was a huge element of luck involved, or whether midwives were more skilled (she mentioned breech in relation to that) or whether nobody talked about the births that went wrong.

I know for sure my own DM did not think I was a failure, she thought the hospital left it very late to act and that she nearly lost both her child and grandchild! She also encouraged me to have an ELCS for DC2 (ob recommended CS but allowed a choice up to a certain point). That may have been more for her convenience in scheduling childcare for DC1 though.

I've also had three miscarriages and DC2 had a very poor prognosis from the NT scan, so I'm just bloody grateful that both DC made it into this world. The method is irrelevant!

YANBU for feeling hurt by your Mom's comment. However YABU (a bit) for saying that "your body left you down". That kind of makes a statement about ALL women who have c-sections, not just yourself.

We all have our own birth stories, and they're not always the ones we imagined for ourselves.

It took me five years, 3 miscarriages, and five IVF transfers before I conceived my twin boys. I dreamed of a "natural" (aka vaginal) birth and was in line for one until the day before my scheduled induction "twin 1" turned breech. (denied). Followed with 2 weeks of low supply denying me the breast feeding I had wanted to do, and their hatred of milk defining the way I had to wean them (oppposite to what I wanted to do).

I suppose I'm just saying - we all need to be careful in our assumptions when we talk about "normal" with respect to child-birth, child-feeding and child-rearing. It's a vulnerable time and it's really easy to hurt /be hurt with comments.

Loulou, you are not being silly. It is how you feel, and your feelings are important and should not be dismissed as "silly". I absolutely don't mean that you are right, but you need to deal with, and clear, that feeling. Everyone on here is giving you love, so take strength from that.

I did not have a cs, but a pretty horrible first birth (vaginal delivery with all sorts of 'fun' interventions.) When I was pregnant with no.2, I went to see someone for hypno-birthing. She was a qualified counsellor too and during one of the hypno-birthing sessions, I realised I was still really upset about what happened and terrified of it all going that way again. I ended up having counselling at that session for my birth trauma and it really, really helped me see things differently.

I think it is because if you plan for your birth to go a certain way, (all that making a birth plan, let everyone know your wishes, etc) and it doesn't go the way you expected, then that's when you feel a failure, or feel traumatised or distressed about it. Of course, not everyone does - just some people do! A friend who had planned a nice, calm elective cs ended up having a sudden emergency one under GA and was understandably just as traumatised by that!

Lots of love to you, see a qualified counsellor, phone her and get a feel for her manner on the phone - or better yet, a recommendation from someone who's used her. Good luck. Enjoy your lovely babies. They don't care how they were born! (think maybe your mum was just being a complete thoughtless twit like mine often is!)

Thank you all. I did not mean to offend anyone by saying my body had failed me. I realise this is my issue that I need to process and deal with. I do feel incredibly lucky to have 2 gorgeous dcs.

The way I see it we all go through the point where someone lifts up our baby so we can see them for the first time...at the end of the day whether that's through the boot or the sunroof it doesn't matter. In fact my c section has healed beautifully, dh an I were able to be intimate after three Weeks and we have a gorgeous little baby. My friend who have birth vaginally had severe tearing, needs further surgery to fix some issues, has post traumatic issues and says her husband is never getting near her again plus months later she's still in discomfort, if not out right pain. I know which I'd prefer.

To be fair, it's probably a hell of a lot of my issues and too much of society seeming to say that a c-section isn't "normal" that was coming out in my (very tired, 9 mnth molar-teething twins) post above.

There should be a hell of a lot more compassion, understanding and common-sense than is currently given when it comes to anyone's birth (and conception, and feeding, and rearing) experience.

And people (like your Mum) who never had to face not getting what they had hoped from one of those experiences can appear to be callous with careless comments.

I guess I'd say - try to forget it. It's doubtful meant with any malicious intent. But you're not silly to feel the way you do. People are hurtful coz they don't know any better.

I know exactly how you feel. I had an induced VB with DC1, which was fine but I was monitored comstantly due to the induction. I had planned a much-wanted waterbirth for DC2. Unfortunately I suffered a placental abruption and had a crash c-section.

I know we both would have died without the section, and I'm so grateful that we are both happy and healthy. However, I feel terribly, terribly sad that I didn't have a 'normal' birth and that, even if I go for DC3, I won't have a relaxed water birth as it'll be VBAC and more closely monitored. I really feel like a failure.

I'm sure your mum was just speaking without thinking. Give it some time and I'm sure you'll come to peace with it.

Your mum won't have meant it in that way, just that statistically they dodged the bullet with 0/12.

I've had two ecs, no natural. My babies were induced, back to back and my hips are narrow. I honestly never say "I gave birth" coz I don't feel I did, even after 2 x 14 hour labours. My body still grew 2 phenomenally amazing children, how bloody special does that make me? Yay, go me!!!

They're 12 and 8 now, how they entered the world crosses my mind once a year, on their birthday but even then it's fleeting and I think more of their babyhood.

You're bloody fantastic too!

I should have added to my post that one of the reasons that I know for sure that my DM did not mean anything with her comment that was so similar to your DM's, is that she wishes she'd had a CS with one of my brothers. They both nearly died, he was blue and declared dead (planned natural home birth) and she had a massive PPH. Fortunately one of the paramedics sent to collect my DM detected a twitch in my DB, resuscitated him and they were both taken to hospital. My DM lives in fear of "natural".

Please, if the comment bothers you so much, ask your mum about it. She may well have meant it in a "wasn't available to us, how great things have moved on" way. If she did mean it in a "harrumph, we all got on with it" way, ask her if she'd prefer you and the DGC dead. Either way, you won't be brooding over it any more!

I agree with CassCade, it's mostly about things going to plan or not. Personally I don't feel success can be measured by things going to plan when you have no control over the circumstances. That would be like taking credit if you win the lottery. Sure, you're the one who filled in the winning numbers - but it was sheer luck that those numbers came up!

I am really sorry that you feel this way and I feel I can relate totally. My Dd1 was born in March by emcs following a massive bleed at home caused by an unexplained placental abruption.
Initially i struggled to focus on anything but what had happened and mainly WHY!! Despite having this most precious baby. But overtime the feelings have faded along with the scar (and memories of the thoughtless comments from DPs family).
I was really helped by a debriefing session with a midwife, about 3 months after, it helped me understand what happened and that I did was right things. After this I stopped focusing on it so much and feeling so negative about it.

I had an EMCS after a 60+hr labour, and honestly never thought of it as a failure - I was just so bloody glad to have a healthy baby!! I think it's a real shame that anyone should be made to feel inadequate about their pregnancy or birth, for whatever reason - as a pp said, there's no 'right answer'.

I signed up to a home birth. Ended up with a planned C-section under general. Not through fear, laziness, or whatever, but medical necessity. My Dad thought it very amusing to tell people I was "too posh to push" but that's because he's an arse. I did have words with him and he's not repeated the phrase since. It's likely that your mum either (a) meant nothing by it, (b) is doing a "in my younger day.." misery fest, or (c) doesn't realise how her comments will make you feel. She's your mum. You should speak to her about it.

I don't give a flying monkeys what ignorant twunts decide about me based on a surgical procedure I had no option but to have.

I had a forceps birth with DD and an emcs with DS. DS died 2 hours after birth. I might not love the look of my scar but it is a reminder of my beautiful son and generally think of it fondly.

The emcs was done to do everything possible to save him from kinks in his chord and without it he would have died in the womb. I really do believe emcs are incredible and really do save lives of babies and women every day. Your body did not fail you, you just did everything you could to allow your baby to arrive safely.

I also agree that people just don't think before they speak, I've had some crackers since we lost DS....

So sorry rosduk.

I had an EMCS and my mum made a very similar comment. When she came to visit after I'd had the baby the very first thing she said "Well, I had 4 of you (meaning me + 3 siblings) and never had a CS, in fact all my births were very easy" Umm..thanks mum! She didn't mean it in a malicious way and she wasn't boasting, I think it was just an observation on her part that things seemed to have changed when it comes to childbirth.

One of the midwives at the hospital also told me that I must be "absolutely devastated" as my birth plan stated I wanted a water birth and kept asking me if I felt depressed. I didn't feel depressed - I wasn't overly attached to my plan and was just relieved the baby was ok - but she kept insisting I MUST feel some upset! Very odd woman but that's another story.

Anyway, people do say things without thinking sometimes. I would try not to dwell on it - the most important thing is you have 2 wonderful, healthy kids. x

Are you sure she wasn't speaking statistically? My nan likes to tell anyone how her 11 grandchildren were born naturally and all 13 great grandchildren were born by c section. That's over 5 women the first generation and 7 women the second. The 25% are c section births doesn't work in out family!

She may have just been passing comment and not meant anything judgey by it

Fwiw, I had 2 c sections and could t give a shiny shit if people think I didn't do it properly. These are my children and how they were conceived/carried/birthed/fed etc is fuck all to do with anyone but me.

Congratulations on your baby op and I hope you come to terms with your feelings soon. Much love xx

What Booboo said. People don't know how lucky they are when things happen to go right - smug and stupid.