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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shitting mother, shitting Christmas

57 replies

LucilleBluth · 15/11/2013 14:01

Mother is behaving like a brat because I have asked them to come on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Eve.

December is going to be mad, 3 DCs, one at pre school, one at primary and one at secondary makes for a shit load of Christmas fayres, performances, Carole services etc etc....not to mention pantos, in law visits, mine and DDs birthdays and DH overseeing a massive project at work and not finishing until the 23rd. I am doing a degree and have a major essay due in on the 10th Jan.

I just want Christmas Eve and day to relax by ourselves, we have been invited to SILs but I have even turned that down. I have just had a conversation with her, I bungled everything I wanted to say and she ended up sounding like a sulking teenager.......and let's not mention the fact that dad is a massive miserable grinch of a man.

What do I do, I feel awful.

OP posts:
fieldfare · 15/11/2013 14:05

Ring her back and be kind but firm, " sorry if I upset you with our decision Mum, but we're snowed under. Would love to see you both over the festive period and Boxing Day will be lovely. I understand if you've got other plans, just let me know."

Well, that's what I'd do anyway. Dd is away at her Dad's this year and both of our families have been completely understanding that dh and I are hibernating on Xmas day. It's taken them 7 years to be understanding of our desire to be this way on the alternate years we don't have her mind!

Dawndonnaagain · 15/11/2013 14:06

You ignore your mother and do what you need to do for you and your family. You let her know that the deal is she comes on Boxing day and is pleasant and kind, or she doesn't come at all. Why do you have to cope with her tantrums, sounds like you have enough on your plate.

diddl · 15/11/2013 14:12

You've invited them Boxing Day-she accepts or not.

I don't think you need to "do" anything.

Sure it's a disappointment if she usually sees her, but Jeez, we're not even into Dec yet!

She'll get used to the idea!

Original poster
LucilleBluth · 15/11/2013 14:39

They live on the other side of the country so will have to stay. I just want to relax. We used to live abroad and they would fly to us at Christmas for three weeks and by the end the tension was awful.

We don't mix we'll at Christmas but I know why mother is pissed, she want the magic of Christmas Eve etc with my DCs, I'm an only child, they have been to see us twice this year and that was under duress, yet they just returned from a trip to Moscow. I'm inclined to tell her to piss off but she acts so innocent and wounded.

OP posts:
DontCallMeDaughter · 15/11/2013 14:50

I feel your pain Lucille! My dh's parents are divorced and live in the North, my parents are in the South. Last year we traipsed all over the country to see all three sets of grandparents. This year we decided to stay at home, just us. My mother started the passive aggressive whinging in JULY.

A couple of years ago I'd have felt guilty and given in to her but I've spent some time working on my relationship with her and I can pretty much say no without the crippling guilt.

What works well for me is to try and see the situation as an outsider would and then judge myself to see if I'm being unreasonable. Generally I'm not! So I use the broken record tactic with mum, just say the same thing over again until it sinks in. "This year we're spending Christmas at home, just us. But we're looking forward to seeing you in Jan when we come down". Don't engage on any "but what ifs..."

You have needs as an individual and as a family and you have the right to address them. You need some time and some space together so don't give in!

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 15/11/2013 15:05

Could they come in December sometime and see some of the children's school plays, or come the weekend before Christmas (as in, 20th-22nd)? And go do something Christmassy together - visit Santa or something? That way your mum gets to see your dcs while everything is still all Christmassy rather than after Christmas day (when everything goes flat).

And you get to really enjoy Christmas day, knowing that the parental visit is done and dusted, rather than spending all Christmas day thinking "oh no, they're coming tomorrow".

Alternatively, phone and say "actually, you're right, Boxing Day is not the same is it, lets not do that. How about the second week in Feb then?" Grin

KnittedJimmyChoos · 15/11/2013 15:07

I feel your pain, every year we are in reach of an amazing christmas, ruined by childish in laws and parents.

This year we have said enough, they all want us as they only want the DC's, treat us like crap, and sulk and ruin it for us, so this year is the year we are no longer Christmas martyrs.

Good luck op Smile

pumpkinsweetie · 15/11/2013 15:11

This is what ruins Christmas, being pushed into things we do not want.
Enjoy your Christmas with your own little family, don't be pressured into something that she will only gain from whereas you will only stress.

Some people expect too much at Christmas, forgetting selfishly that their plans don't fit in with ours!

Not the same thing as i'm now nc with ils (toxic). But they did similar for years, expecting too much, wanting too much down to the day they came, what time they wanted, even what food they wanted and they still complained! Glad and relieved last year was different and even better so this year. Christmas is nicer now

Original poster
LucilleBluth · 15/11/2013 16:55

She has got me running scenarios through my head to try and placate her, I'm thinking of making something up.

I won't ever do this to my DCs.

OP posts:
TeaAndANatter · 15/11/2013 17:02

I'd say arsenic might quieten her down? Not sure where you can buy this though...

Good luck!

elmerelephant · 15/11/2013 18:07

I feel your pain, my DM has stopped speaking to me as "I didnt invite her for Xmas in the right spirit"/emo/te/11.gif. Obviously next time I will have two gins before I ask her.

Charlesroi · 15/11/2013 18:31

Let her behave like a brat.She'll get over it.

Next time you speak to her tell her all about your plams for a lovely family Boxing Day.

FunLovinBunster · 15/11/2013 18:35

Wait for her to contact you.
Repeat your invitation to Boxing Day.
Make it clear it is up to her whether she accepts or not, but that YOUR plan will not change to suit her.
Repeat ad nauseum.
She will get the message...

Mirage · 15/11/2013 18:49

I know how you feel.When I was a old enough to realise what was going on,Christmas was ruined for me by my gran.She started the guilt tripping about coming for Christmas months before and would try and manipulate us by crying and saying she wasn't coming/no one wanted her/she'd spend Christmas alone.I disliked Christmas for years because of all the drama and running around we had to do.We never had a family Christmas with just mum,dad,me and my sister and I would have loved that.

Thankfully,my mum is totally the opposite and has always said we should do what we want and not worry about anyone else.

Stick to your guns and remember that your DC will notice the bad atmosphere as they get older.Some people are impossible to please and are only happy if they are the centre of attention.

thegreylady · 15/11/2013 19:01

I am not very good at the idea of Christmas with just me and dh.Fortunately we have 3 dc in the UK and two abroad so the UK ones only need see us once in 4 years if that's what they want. This year ds and dgs are coming from Turkey and we will all go to dd's for Christmas Day.
We'll have everyone together from 28th to 30th as we are having a big paty :)

AnotherStitchInTime · 15/11/2013 19:10

Do what is right for you and your family otherwise you will end up tired and resentful.

So much emphasis is put on Christmas it always ends up stressful.

My Christmas plans have all gone out of the window as I am not allowed to be more than 15 minutes by ambulance from my maternity hospital and will probably end up having a c-section and a premature baby by December.

Original poster
LucilleBluth · 15/11/2013 19:43

AnotherStitchInTime, three years ago I was laid up with placenta previa, I had to stay in bed and not stray from home, we were abroad and mother came to stay to help, all was fine in the end but man was that a Christmas from hell, with me, DH and our newborn (And DS1 and 2 ) on one side of the room and mum and dad on the other.

Good luck btw.

OP posts:
AnotherStitchInTime · 15/11/2013 19:45

Thanks lucille, I also have placenta praevia.

Original poster
LucilleBluth · 15/11/2013 20:02

In the end I had a very calm and lovely planned C section two weeks early (December 10th) I can honestly say that it was my best birth experience out of all three. Pregnancy was stressful though, relax and trust your instincts.

OP posts:
BigBirthdayGloom · 15/11/2013 20:16

Yanbu. I've got a difficult relationship with my mother and have to limit contact to what I can cope with. This year, she's asked us to go there on Christmas Eve instead of coming to us on Christmas Day as we've invited them. It sounds reasonable enough, but I just can't cope with it. I would end up shouting at my children because I can't shout at her. So they're coming to us. Now I've just got to tackle the "how about we stay overnight on Christmas Day so we can share more of the day with you?" I will need to remind my dad that I give them the time I can cope with and ask him to respect it. It's very hard, but I have to look after my family and my mental health.

I've seen threads like this where people say that it's family, you should compromise, etc, etc. not all families are the same. Stick to your guns.

AnotherStitchInTime · 15/11/2013 20:34

That's good to know lucille. I am hoping for a calm birth, but as they suspect placenta accreta/percreta into my bladder it could be a little touch and go.

LaGuardia · 15/11/2013 20:39

Both my parents have passed and I would love to have the chance to spend one more Christmas Day with them. You don't know what you have until it is gone Sad

MerylStrop · 15/11/2013 20:47

You've got a lot on, you sound pooped, poor thing.

Are they driving and if so can they come on Christmas Day? Arrive for a late - like 4pm lunch? Tell them it will be a simple and low key affair though and they can sort out Boxing Day's food.

Projecting forward, I'd be gutted if my grown up children didn't want me to spend Christmas with them and their own kids. Even if I was a massive pita a lot of the time.

BigBirthdayGloom · 15/11/2013 21:25

LaGuardia, sorry for your loss. I absolutely respect what you're saying. I expect when my inlaws pass away I will feel similar. I treasure he time we have with them. However, I feel, in a differen sense that I am already gehwvibg the Lisa of my mother. I feel the sense of loss of a relationship with a woman who is unable to mother me and never has been able. She has had a series of tragedies and severe mental health issues that I have had to slowly and painfully accept that I can't be with her because of the behaviour her problems cause her to exhibit. And I believe I owe it to my family to stay as mentally well as I can. This, sadly, involves limiting visits and length of visits, even at Christmas.

So, whilst I very definitely believe in making the most of the time we have with people while they're here, that doesn't and can't involve spending long periods of time with my mum.

mitchsta · 15/11/2013 21:27

You've obviously got a hectic month and I know I'd want to relax and enjoy Christmas in peace if I were you. But I feel a bit sorry for your mum - if you're dad's a bit of a misery guts, will she have to deal with him on her own? Maybe she was looking forward to seeing you so she wouldn't spend the day alone trying to entertain Mr Grumpy?!