Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shitting mother, shitting Christmas

57 replies

LucilleBluth · 15/11/2013 14:01

Mother is behaving like a brat because I have asked them to come on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Eve.

December is going to be mad, 3 DCs, one at pre school, one at primary and one at secondary makes for a shit load of Christmas fayres, performances, Carole services etc etc....not to mention pantos, in law visits, mine and DDs birthdays and DH overseeing a massive project at work and not finishing until the 23rd. I am doing a degree and have a major essay due in on the 10th Jan.

I just want Christmas Eve and day to relax by ourselves, we have been invited to SILs but I have even turned that down. I have just had a conversation with her, I bungled everything I wanted to say and she ended up sounding like a sulking teenager.......and let's not mention the fact that dad is a massive miserable grinch of a man.

What do I do, I feel awful.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 15/11/2013 22:02

She has chosen to live with Mr Grumpy, if my husband was a misery I wouldn't see that as my children's problem to sort out.

mitchsta · 19/11/2013 08:58

Aww, I know she's chosen to live with him, but maybe she was just looking forward to a few family members coming round to brighten up her day. I'm not suggesting that OP change her plans, just that she gives could explain the reasons for her plans again so it's clear she isn't shunning her parents, just looking for a relaxing/peaceful Christmas Day.

purrtrillpadpadpad · 19/11/2013 09:07

No reasonable person would need multiple explanations. And no reasonable adult would behave like a spoilt brat.

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2013 09:24

Can I ask, in what way is she behaving like a spoilt brat about it all?

middleclassdystopia · 19/11/2013 10:14

Sorry for your loss Laguardia but it isn't as black and white as that.

What if you have abusive parents? Difficult relationship?

waikikamookau · 19/11/2013 10:17

my dm was very upset at the thought of christmas morning on her own last year, near to tears.

waikikamookau · 19/11/2013 10:20

whats she going to do for christmas op?

waikikamookau · 19/11/2013 10:21

op mum may have chosen to live with mr grumpy but at that stage in her life a change in partner would be hard. and i guess mr grumpy got grumpy over the years.

SunshineMMum · 19/11/2013 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dustarr73 · 19/11/2013 11:48

When i had kids i told my dm i would be staying in my own house.I went up Christmas morning with the kids to see her and the other grandparents.

It is hard but you have to make your own Christmas and not be beholden to anyone.

girlywhirly · 19/11/2013 11:53

Would it help to write down your reasons why you want those two days to be quiet and restful, and quote from it when your mum next calls? Then you can say them calmly yet assertively and there is no room for mum getting the wrong end of the stick. Make sure you emphasise you have turned down SIL's invitation so that she doesn't think they've been sidelined.

You have invited your parents on Boxing day, so are not excluding them, it is then up to them whether they come and are pleasant. They can't just ignore the DGC for most of the year and expect to spend Christmas with them, which I think is one of your sore points. Sulky teenager behaviour isn't very emotionally mature in older women. I think the DC will notice the atmosphere as they get older, if the oldest hasn't already.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/11/2013 12:00

I too lost both parents, quite a few years ago now. I do miss them even now. But then my mother was lovely and my father was mostly great (and could be managed when he wasn't). So I don't really think my feelings about my parents are terribly relevant to how someone else copes with theirs.

Family politics can be a bugger.

oscarwilde · 19/11/2013 12:09

What a pain. I'd say nothing and leave her to it. If it doesn't suit (and I can't say that I'd be too keen on leaving my house on boxing day morning and crossing the country) then let her propose another date.
Or
You could call her back and say it would be lovely if they could come for a week and help out until the kids go back to school. That you have a huge essay to do and if they came, you would head out to the local library every day to work.
I reckon they'll find a lovely hotel deal for Christmas and the New Year pretty smartly at the prospect of so much quality time with their grandchildren.

MrsAdamHills · 19/11/2013 12:09

OP you are not being remotely U imho, and I wish you a very calm and happy and relaxed Christmas and a not too frantic new year.

However this thread is making me Shock Shock Shock Shock

Am I really the only DM/DMiL who is effing relieved that this year all my DCs have other plans along with my DGCs and this means that this year my DH (not actually Adam Hills, alas, but a very acceptable substitute!) and I will be having a relaxed, quiet, civilised, grown up Christmas, eating whatever we want, drinking whatever we want, shagging whenever we want, watching whatever TV we want to watch and we cannot bloody well wait.

To read these threads you would think that the baby boomer generation are all champing at the bit to spend the festive period with their offspring, that their offspirng are the desirable ones and that their offspring are beating them off with a stick. That's not the only way round it goes!

Btw I love all my progeny to bits, lest I have insinuated otherwise

ZooTimeIsSheAndYouTime · 19/11/2013 12:22

Dear me poor youSad Yadnbu. Reading threads about troublesome relatives it's a wonder many of them are asked anywhere, ever, at all. Parents do def know how to gleefully press the guilt buttons though don't they? My parents do. I have been programmed to respond, (because after all were're all still just disobedient 10 yr olds to our parents), which infuriates me...and yet I doConfused. But even if I don't give in, I'm still stewing/feeliing guilty about it, so Im not doing whatever else it is I need or want to unimpinged anywayHmm My mother invited her brother and wife for the weekend in the summer. It was clearly too much for her - as I knew it would be. As I gently suggested it might be. But no she went ahead. Both my parents got into the most almighty huff that I wasn't about to pick up the slack in providing a line of scrubbed cherubic children to inspect and me dashing about in a pinny entertaining. I had clearly and repeatedly said we had a lot on that weekend and wouldn't be available.

MrsAdamHills · 19/11/2013 12:30

The wicked side of me would just love to hear your mother's version of events Zootime.

Obviously nobody knows the whole story but...'her brother and wife'...this would be your uncle and aunt perhaps? And I hope you had fun raining on her parade before it even got started!

ZooTimeIsSheAndYouTime · 19/11/2013 12:32

Yes endlessHmm

MrsAdamHills · 19/11/2013 12:38

Thought so! Grin Certainly sounded like it.

ZooTimeIsSheAndYouTime · 19/11/2013 12:39

Well as you say, you don't know the whole story. But assume whatever fits..

MrsAdamHills · 19/11/2013 12:45

What I am assuming is that there are two sides to this, and your own telling of it does not paint you in a terribly favourable or put upon light light. But I am sure you know best.

Original poster
LucilleBluth · 19/11/2013 19:48

I have spoken to her. I stuck to my guns and laid it on thick that December is mad and that turning up on Xmas Eve isn't the nest thing for me. I told her very enthusiastically that should they come on Boxing Day, the madness will be over, house in order and we will be rested, we can go shopping, have a walk around our local national trust property then go for lunch, etc etc, but all I got were excuses as to why it won't work on anything but her terms. She actually said ' well what will I do for my Christmas dinner'. This is when being an only child comes and bites you on the arse. I have 3 DCs and if I'm not with one of them in my future Christmas' then I'll be on a beach.

I actually feel even more determined not to have them now. She has planned our whole Christmas and just assumed that it's ok with us.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/11/2013 19:51

I'm not saying that some of you aren't justified in your reactions to your parents' Christmas 'demands', but - a lot of you really don't seem to actually like your parents very much.

And that's sad.

Original poster
LucilleBluth · 19/11/2013 20:01

I love and like my parents, but I also know them very well and I feel like actually I'm an adult and if I want to relax over Christmas then I can make that decision.

I also don't like assumptions. I don't want to turf DS1 out of his bedroom on Christmas Eve. It's not my fault they decided to move as far away as possible, and I also resent the fact that they didn't have these kinds of demands placed upon them when I was growing up, the pair of then were on a constant piss up from the 20th until new year......not making endless meals and washing fucking bedding and towels.

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 19/11/2013 20:12

Completely agree with op!!
Don't give her a hard time, not everyone wants to spend their entire christmas every year placating their whole family & waiting on them hand and foot! Yes it is nice to do this, but not when it is expected every single year!!

mitchsta · 20/11/2013 13:53

She's being really unfair if she can't see your side of the story. It'd make me more determined to stick to my guns too. I felt a bit sorry for her at first, but now she just sounds like a pain in the arse. You've done your best to explain your situation. Now I think you need to take a like-it-or-lump-it approach and enjoy your Christmas in peace.

Swipe left for the next trending thread