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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to donate eggs and ask if anyone here has done so?

24 replies

Objection · 14/11/2013 17:45

I have wanted to donate eggs for a long time but only recently have been in the position to dedicate the time.

My OH isn't 100% comfortable with the idea but is fully on board and extremely supportive of my decision.

AIBU to ask if anyone here donated and what was your experience?

OP posts:

nitrox · 14/11/2013 18:02

I've not but was wondering what would happen when the child is older? Are they able to get your contact details?

MrsPW · 14/11/2013 18:31

Hi, I did it about 6 years ago.
The law had just changed and you can no longer do it anonymously anymore unfortunately, which has put some women off.
Any child that is born as a result is entitled to access your details when they're 18, so that is a biggie to consider.
My husband was completely on board and supportive but doesn't want me to do it again as it was a fairly tough experience for me(physically) as I overproduced eggs and was quite uncomfortable until retrieval.
I am so glad I did it and it is fantastic that you are even considering it but do think very carefully and take up any offer of counselling beforehand.
If you've any questions, please feel free to ask :)

Original poster

Objection · 14/11/2013 19:14

HI MrsPW, thanks for your reply. I think there isn't much out there that isn't without risk, especially medical treatments, so I need to keep that in mind but its something that I feel I need to do, I'm not really sure why but I'm very keen to do it.
I'm really not concerned about the anonymity, I'm sure that I would wish to meet my biological mother if I was born through a donor. However I have been clear with my OH that the child would never be mine as he is concerned that I would feel like I had a baby out there somewhere but I don't see it like that.

I know that now you can choose to be informed if the IVF was successful and you'll be notified of the sex and year of birth. Is that an option you had?

OP posts:

MrsPW · 14/11/2013 19:31

My thoughts were similar. Once the eggs were handed over , I felt that was my bit done and they weren't mine anymore.
My children are mine and any that have resulted may be biologically a part of me but they aren't my children.
I had the option to find out if any children had been born/conceived but chose not to. Good luck with your decision, it sounds like you've given it a lot of thought and are approaching it in the right way :)

Original poster

Objection · 14/11/2013 19:49

I think I would choose to know; a combination of being very nosy and I would be ecstatic for the parents.

I believe that a parent is made through parenting, not through conception/biology - its exactly the same as adoption in a way, the mother is no less the mother because the child is adopted.

OH is coming round to that way of thinking but his family are very old fashioned.

OP posts:

lljkk · 14/11/2013 19:52

I wanted to but was considered too old at 38! So don't delay.

BlingBang · 14/11/2013 19:54

Any children might feel differently (and you might too ) though which you have to be prepared for. It's such a responsibility to be part of bringing another life into being. A couldn't do it and really struggle to understand why women choose to do it.

silkknickers · 14/11/2013 19:56

I really wanted to do this, but I have a possibly inherited condition that made it impossible for me to do it.
However, I went through a lot of the appointments and felt confident that it was something that I really wanted to do. my own children give me so much joy that I wanted to help another woman to experience that.
I think the cut-off age is 36.

Minty82 · 14/11/2013 19:57

Good for you - I know I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able to make the necessary mental leap from 'my genetic child' to 'nothing to do with me'. Incredible thing to do for someone else if you do feel capable of it though.

AugustaProdworthy · 14/11/2013 19:59

I did. Just before the law changed regarding anonymity but I did write a little piece about who I was and what sort of person I was that was non identifiable but maybe useful to whoever used my eggs. No idea if they were used a d made a baby. I hope so though.
Mine wasn't motivated purely but altruism but it made thd IVF treatment significantly cheaper by doing so. Think law may have changed on that too.

Original poster

Objection · 14/11/2013 20:04

'nothing to do with me' - This isn't exactly my attitude, its hard to express exactly but I wouldn't feel the child was mine. I would have the same care, responsibility etc that I would feel for any child with perhaps more of an interest but I wouldn't feel like the child was mine.

It is the same thing as sperm donation!

I would be interested in writing a piece about myself, I think that would be something a donor parent would appreciate.

OP posts:

Mimishimi · 14/11/2013 20:08

I would have been interested but you are considered to be too old to donate over the age of 35 and I wasn't sure that we had completed our own family by then (they do ask you not to donate until you've had all the children you planned to).

Minty82 · 14/11/2013 20:16

Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound as if I imagined you would feel so callous! Just that I find it very hard to separate my feelings for my own children from my feelings for a theoretical child of mine wandering around the world without me and I'd just find the whole thing far too emotionally complex to contemplate.

I feel exactly the same about sperm donation, since you mention it. I'd be very uncomfortable with the thought of DH's genetic offspring existing somewhere and not being part of our lives, and it's not something I could ever choose for myself. When we were having trouble TTC DC1 we talked through what routes we would and wouldn't be prepared to go down, and donated sperm and eggs were a big line in the sand for both of us. Which is absolutely not meant to be a judgment on anyone who has created a family that way - I'm delighted for them. Just my very personal feeling that it wouldn't be right for me.

SybilRamkin · 14/11/2013 20:17

I'd like to do this too, but am put off by the change in the law - I would hate to be contacted by a supposed 'child' of mine that I hadn't carried or had any contact with except for donating a single cell. I know it must be hard for children born from donor eggs or sperm, but there will definitely be fewer of them around now that the law has taken away donor anonymity.

Original poster

Objection · 14/11/2013 20:50

sybil - I say this with absolutely no intention to cause trouble or anything, I'm genuinely curious on your views - do you not think that children born via IVF have the right to know who their biological parents are?

As I say, I'm genuinely interested in the debate - please don't take it as bun throwing

OP posts:

wishful75 · 14/11/2013 20:52

I think it is a truly wonderful thing to do as my friend was an egg recipient a few years ago.

Just a couple of things I wanted to point out though - whoever gives birth is the actual biological mother apparently, the egg donor is the genetic mother (this is what my friend's consultant said at any rate). Its a term that is used a lot so I was quite surprised to find this out but she said it was something to do with being the gestational carrier and actually giving birth (her flesh and blood gives life) makes her the biological mother.

Also, because of increasing knowledge and research into genetics etc.. it is now believed that the pregnant women's body influences how the child's DNA can be expressed (basically changes in gene activity and cells) so that for example an egg given to a particular women may result in an altogether different child than if the same egg were given to a different woman if that makes any sense. Its called epigenetics I believe but it was all a bit too technical for me!

What I'm trying to say is if some people can't really get their head around not knowing if 'their children' were out there somewhere, its not as simple as that - more like yes your DNA but mushed up with her biological influence too so unfair to think of them as 'your child' iykwim.

My friend will be forever grateful to her donor and if I were a bit younger I would do it in a heartbeat!

Original poster

Objection · 14/11/2013 21:02

wishful - gosh, I never thought of that but that is of course true. Well, that solidifies my views then!

(and I'll use the right terminology from now on!)

OP posts:

Deflatedballoonbelly · 14/11/2013 21:04

I have done it twice within the past two years. I went with Altrui. The lady is absolutely amazing and the team at St Thomas's are just as amazing.

notundermyfoof · 14/11/2013 21:19

Thats fascinating Wishful , the human body is amazing!

I am interested in doing this in the future, I feel so blessed to have been able to conceive my dcs easily and they have enriched my life so much. I would love to help other women to have a family. I don't think I would have any emotional attachment at all but it would be lovely to hear back that a baby had been born as a result. I know the process is much more complicated but I think of it in the same way as giving blood in that it is just a product of my body that I have enough of for my own needs so I'm happy to share it.

magictorch · 14/11/2013 21:20

Great post wishful.

OP - I have a seven month old thanks to an egg donor. Both donors and recipients need to go through counselling so that both sides are comfortable with the concept of donation and its implications.

FWIW - it doesn't cross my mind much that my son doesn't have my DNA. No one else is his mum but me. I grew him inside me, my blood fed him, I felt him kick, birthed him and suckle him. He reaches out to me with his big gummy smile and it is my heart that melts, his mother.

That single cell a donor may give is not a child. It is a wonderful gift that may become a child with the addition of my husband's sperm, science, the recipient and an awful lot of luck.

I'll be forever grateful to my donor, just as I'd be grateful if someone had donated me a kidney or bone marrow.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Original poster

Objection · 14/11/2013 22:25

elegantly put, magictorch, and congratulations on your wonderful baby boy!

OP posts:

MummytoMog · 14/11/2013 23:48

I donated eggs a few months ago and my recipient is pregnant. It was time consuming and a bit uncomfortable, but I'm totally cool with the emotional side, don't consider the eggs anything to do with me at all (although I did put a note on the file saying they could get in touch if they needed bone marrow or a kidney). I'll try and fit another cycle in before I hit 35.

It was something I really felt I should do - because I can, because I don't have an emotional attachment to my eggs and because somebody has to or some women will not get the chance to be pregnant who really really want to be. So I did it and OH was totally supportive.

peasandlove · 15/11/2013 05:49

I had always thought I'd do this too, but as I didnt have my own child till I was 34 it was also too late.

EmmaBemma · 15/11/2013 06:00

I've donated twice. I did a thread about it here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1831023-Egg-donation-second-time-around

I am so glad I did it. I haven't found out the results from the second cycle yet (and I'm not sure I will) but my first cycle was successful and resulted in the birth of a baby boy. Happy to answer any specific questions you've got, Objection.

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