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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop at one child??

54 replies

lola1980 · 11/11/2013 12:02

I recently had my first baby at 33. I had numerous miscarriages prior to having her and had an awful pregnancy, so the thought of going through that again fills me with horror. I think if I was younger I may feel differently, but if I was to have another, well, the clock is ticking isn't it?

The crazy thing is that everyone, including my midwife (!) has been asking when I'm having another! People seem to be in genuine disbelief that I could choose to stop at one. They helpfully advise me that I will forget all about the tough bits and change my mind. I won't.

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 11/11/2013 12:03

Its none of their business and if you want to stop at one, stop at one. There is nothing wrong with only having one child.

IceBeing · 11/11/2013 12:03

I haven't forgotten the bad bits yet...and DD is 2.5 now.

I am having the same debates so I am tuning in for any good answers...

treaclesoda · 11/11/2013 12:03

it took me five years to pluck up the courage to do it again, and if I'd been younger and had more time to wait, I'd probably have waited longer!

ohshitimlate · 11/11/2013 12:04

Totally up to you. I wanted more than 1 child (not pg or baby and I think that's key to remember). My friend wanted 1. Both is fine.

NoWuckingFurries · 11/11/2013 12:07

I'm 28 and have a 2 year old DS. Neither myself nor my husband want any more children. We love our boy but just have absolutely no desire for another. I have not changed my mind and I don't see myself ever changing my mind! People think it's weird but I don't care. Most likely people are making conversation and based on their experience most people who say "never again!!" end up having more children not me though Just smile and nod OP. Or tell them to mind their own pissing business :-)

NoWuckingFurries · 11/11/2013 12:09

"You'll definitely change your mind. You've got plenty of time!"
"Hmmm" piss off

oldnewmummy · 11/11/2013 12:13

We've got one, almost 7. It works great for us. And it's nobody else's business but yours.

DazzleU · 11/11/2013 12:14

It's not unusual.

What every you have people will make comments.

The exception I think is if you have one boy and one girl - then people comment on age range.

I do know people who said never again - and then several times did but I also know people so adamant that they pushed to get sterilized.

IslaValargeone · 11/11/2013 12:15

I had my first child at 35, didn't really fancy doing it again. Still haven't and that was nearly 12 years ago.
There does come a point when people stop asking. Do what suits you.

CusheyButterfield · 11/11/2013 12:16

I'm following this with interest, as my DD has just turned 2 and the assumption is that we must be 'trying for' another. We're not. I didn't have any problems with conceiving, pregnancy was fine (less said about the birth and the year that followed it the better really), but I find that actually, we're happy and contented as a family of 3. We have no need to have another child and no intention of changing our minds.

I annoy myself by pacifying other people about what is our bloody decision, saying things like "well, never say never" when what I want to say is "oh do piss off and mind your own business!"

Original poster
lola1980 · 11/11/2013 12:18

I keep pointing out the benefits of stopping at one, ie finances, attention, no squabbling etc... However my argument falls on deaf/jealous ears since they all have two or more!

OP posts:
specialmagiclady · 11/11/2013 12:18

Brilliant - well done!

My mistake was to go "this is great! One child is brilliant. TWO will be A-maaaaaazing!".

Hmmm....

Anchoress · 11/11/2013 12:20

We have one, who is completely fabulous, and have no intention of having another.

If someone else wants to volunteer to do the pregnancy, birth, post-natal depression and awful newborn stage (including the worry about chromosomal problems etc of having a child at well over 40) , to take another hit to their career, to find more money for childcare etc etc, then they are very welcome to do it for me. But my childbearing is done, and I make no apologies for that. I am extremely cutting to the fubsywubsy types who think Ooh, I will change my mind, ickle babygros and giving DS a sibling etc etc.

Dobbiesmum · 11/11/2013 12:20

When we had 1we got 'so when are you having another?'
When we had 2 we got 'so that's it then?'
When we had 3 we got 'nothing on the tv in your house?'

People will comment because they're nosy bastards, tell them to feck off Grin
Seriously though YANBU, it's your decision, stick with what makes you happy as a family x

bakingaddict · 11/11/2013 12:20

If I had of encountered the difficulties of my 2nd pregnancy, hyperemesis, pre-eclampsia and pre-natal depression in my first pregnancy then I would probably never have gone for baby no2. I love kids and I am chuffed that I have 2 healthy kids but my body just doesn't handle pregnancy very well

qazxc · 11/11/2013 12:21

YANBU, it's totally up to you how many children you have.

sherbetpips · 11/11/2013 12:22

We thought we would want two or three but one was enough for both of us, I also have several friends who wished they had stopped at one because they literally had a second because 'you are supposed to' or 'they shouldnt be alone'. Lucky for me DH felt the same but if he had desperately wanted another I would have done, I just dont feel any great need to have another one, the one we have is ace!

IslaValargeone · 11/11/2013 12:22

Obviously I am biased, but I think there is something quite fabulous about being a threesome, especially as your child gets older. We are such a tight little unit.
I'm sure someone with a large family would argue they are equally tight, but there is an intimacy with three that is just fab.

PenguinsDontEatPancakes · 11/11/2013 12:23

Oh god, I'll say what I always say on these threads.

People make stupid comments whatever you have:

One: lonely only, won't learn to share, when are you having another

Two of same sex: are you going to try for a boy/girl? Oh [opposite gender parent] you are totally outnumbered now. Additional stupid comments for mothers of two boys about mud, aggression, volume of food consumed. Additional stupid comments for mothers of two girls about bitchy teenage years and bathroom hogging.

Three: Assumptions you were only having a third to get a boy/girl. Comments about being stretched too thin, middle child syndrome, etc.

Four of more: When are you stopping. Are you addicted to babies, yada yada.

Big and short age gaps also get their own set of comments regardless of the combination of children.

Just about the only group who escapes are those who are 'clever' enough to have a boy and a girl 2-3 years apart. They can be the worst for the comments above though IME.

You do what is right for you, your partner and your family. The only thing I would say is that you have to be happy with the choice for the whole of the child IYSWIM - not having to do baby again also means not having another child. You have to want (or accept) both. I am not keen on babies, but did want more children. It goes the other way too, no one should have another baby to have a baby, but to have another family member long-term.

sherbetpips · 11/11/2013 12:24

also as bakingaddict says some people love having kids, love snuggling up to babies, toddler groups and all of that. I have many friends who enjoy motherhood to the full, I just wasnt one of them.

Writerwannabe83 · 11/11/2013 12:25

I started a thread about this a week or so ago:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1894146-To-only-want-one-child

There were some really interesting points and views raised Smile

PenguinsDontEatPancakes · 11/11/2013 12:25

Cross posted- it is pointless to logically point out the benefits of one as people will always argue back. There isn't a 'logical' number of children or we'd all have the same. Just say "we are happy stopping at one" and then repeat as many times as necessary.

manchestermummy · 11/11/2013 12:25

Oh no YANBU. And if you do end up having another that happens to be the same sex, the conversation will change to asking when you are having another to get one of the opposite sex. Took my dad 12 hours to ask that. My parents stopped at one (i.e. me!) and I admit I have gone through phases of wanting siblings, mostly I think it's great.

FWIW, mum had me at 34 (ancient in the 70s) and dad was nearly 50. She wanted more; he didn't.

But all family dynamics work and everyone else should mind their own.

Original poster
lola1980 · 11/11/2013 12:28

Yeah, we get the whole 'she needs a playmate' thing too. Or 'she'll grow up spoilt and selfish' - that one really pisses me off because it suggests I might be unable to raise a perfectly decent human being!

The one thing that got me though was my friend's mum, who was an only child, found it really hard when her parents died as she had nobody to share in her grief. I think that's very sad.

OP posts:
bonkersLFDT20 · 11/11/2013 12:29

People stop asking when the child gets to about 4 or 5, because they presume you're not going to have another, because of course we all want children with close age gaps .

We have 10 years between our 2 boys. Nothing to do with getting over preg or birth trauma, it's just what we did.

The way I see it is that people who know you well i.e. those you have shared the distress of your m/c with, won't ask such personal questions and those that don't know you have no darn business poking their noses in.
How do they know that you're not actually experiencing a m/c or undergoing invasive tests as they stand there telling you how you feel.

You don't need to explain your reasoning, what ever number of children people have is perfectly fine and normal.