To stop at one child??

[lola1980]

I recently had my first baby at 33. I had numerous miscarriages prior to having her and had an awful pregnancy, so the thought of going through that again fills me with horror. I think if I was younger I may feel differently, but if I was to have another, well, the clock is ticking isn't it?

The crazy thing is that everyone, including my midwife (!) has been asking when I'm having another! People seem to be in genuine disbelief that I could choose to stop at one. They helpfully advise me that I will forget all about the tough bits and change my mind. I won't.

Im 30, DH is 49, we have a dd who is 8 months old this week. (I have a 15 yo DSS too). So for me it's one child. I love her dearly but it's the hardest thing I have ever done, I am back at work and she thrives at the childminders. We can have an amazing standard of life that I never had and she will get to see and do so many things.

It's no one elses business what you want to do, but I am already getting lots of comments regarding it, I generally ignore them. :)

lola I have the same thoughts but I have cousins with whom I have that shared history, as it were

I don't think only children are any more selfish than children with siblings. It depends on the child, and on the parenting.

I think a lot of the benefits of siblings depend on how you happen to get on. My brother and I get along fine, but only see each other a few times a year and rarely speak in between. My mum on the other hand comes from a large family and is particularly close to her sisters.

DP and I were discussing this last night. DD is perfect, we make a great family unit, and yet there is quite a lot of pressure to have more. Still undecided personally (although not much time to decide as am already an "older mum"!). But at the end of the day the decision is mine and DP's, everyone else can just feck off

It's fine!

One thing I didn't really realise is that having one is in some ways a totally different experience to having childREN. The relationship between you and your DC is very intense and you will probably find yourself entertaining them more because they don't have siblings to play with. That means though that because you're not trying to please several different personalities, and it's cheaper to do stuff with a smaller family, he will probably slot into your lives more and be able to share and enjoy interests that you have. I am sure this does happen with multiple children but I think it's logistically easier with one.

I have one and I regret it in a way because I find the intensity hard. I want DS to go off and be a child, not partake in all my adult interests. Sometimes that is great but his demands on my time are high and I worry that he gets bored or lonely, and feel guilty if I don't want to entertain him or keep him company all the time. But I don't think there's anything wrong with having one, it's just you have to be prepared to fill that gap that siblings fill, and depending on your personality that could be a good thing or a bad thing.

It's your choice, of course, and no one else's business.

I'm an only (not by choice - my mum miscarried several after me) and whilst I liked our little gang of three, my childhood was sometimes lonely. And when both my parents got cancer in my 20s, that was enormously hard on me as I felt I had no one to lean on or share the hospital visiting with (thankfully they are both fine now).

I have a clear preference myself not to have just one, if possible. Having lived through it, I have decided it is not what I would ideally want for my own child. However, I'm now 37 and several years into ttc#1. The chances of me managing to fit in more than one pregnancy are diminishing. I would rather have one than none.

That's really interesting Berstie. I hadn't thought of it like that. I have two sisters and a brother so I have no experience of only children, and can't imagine a lonely childhood. DD is just a baby now but I already find her extremely entertaining, so I have no problem with the idea of playing sibling to her when she needs it.

And if he has a particular interest like trains or something, you can go off and have a happy family day at the train museum without a sibling or two trailing along whining "I'm bored!", you may have the money/space to set up a model railway (or drum kit, huge dolls house, Lego room, sports training gear etc) when the justification is greater because there is only him to take into account.

I think the selfishness thing is moot. Of course you van teach your child empathy which is what selfishness shows a lack of! Bossiness can be one, because adults are always happy to go with the suggestions of the child, but if you try to keep this in check I don't think it has to be an issue either.

I found it easy when DS was a baby but once he got to 3/4 I found it incredibly hard. (sorry not sure why I thought you had a son!) That's when I wished I had another child for him to go off and play his endless repetitive games with!

First and foremost it is up to you and your DP. I grew very tired of people asking me the same question while I was struggling with the after effects of a hideous forceps delivery and post natal depression, "when are you having the next one....." on and on and on and if you ever said "I'm not" they were disbelieving.

In actual fact I did decide once Dd was about 3 that I would like to try for another even though we both decided Dd was great and having an only was lovely in many ways. Unfortunately it didn't happen for us and neither of us wanted to go to extreme lengths. Yes, for a while it saddened me but not for long. I adore my Dd, our small family is very calm and quiet....to my surprise I enjoy this! When Dp is working away and Dd is on holiday we do as we please, wandering round the shops, going on long walks, indulging in a new hobby, without interruption. She has lots of friends and we are very welcoming so have lots of children over for tea/sleepovers etc.

There are times such as christmas when we wish we had another and Dd feels the same ambivalence (when I was very ill she wished she had someone to share her feelings with that really knew how she felt) but most of the time we are extremely happy and I really can't imagine us having had another child now.

Maybe you will change your mind, maybe you wont but there's nothing wrong with having one, it's actually really nice!

I'm an only, DH is an only. We have managed perfectly well to have friends & a successful life so far and even manage to share!!

Despite what some rude, ignorant people will try to tell you, it only takes two to make a little family, whether that's two adults, one parent and a child or even one person and their cat.
You'll have a fantastic time as a 3

Do what's right for you and ignore, ignore, ignore.

Ooh, that "he'll never learn to share!" thing really gets on my nerves. Of all the bloody stupid comments to make!

DS (3yo) is an only and I'm not planning more, and people said that to me a lot when he was younger.
We were at a party yesterday and he kept offering his food to the birthday girl because she was upset. He also vehemently told off a much older boy who wasn't sharing the balloons with everyone else!

An only is lovely, and I say that as one of four siblings

Penguin's first post absolutely sums up the fact that people say stupid things all the time and half the time they're just filling dead conversational air.
I replied to the other thread (I think!) saying how rude I think it is to comment on the size of people's anything families. I also said both my fantastic parents were only children and they were/are great people.

We aren't in too dissimilar a position to you OP. We had six miscarriages before we had out 20 month old DD and I'm 41 now. In some ways I want another to keep DD company, I grew up with three sisters and a brother and can't imagine being an only one, but I'm petrified of something going wrong if we try for another one and I think our DD will be a cherished only one.

We have one and have no plans for another. The thought of our daughter being left on her own to deal with any future health problems we have has crossed our minds. However I know of too many people who are part of a large family and through family fueds, etc have been left to deal with this on their own anyway, despite having siblings.
I too am astounded at how everyone who asks when our next will arrive says that we'll change our mind when we say never. I wish I had the balls to tell them to f**k off too but am far too polite.

No yanbu

I've stopped at one child for a variety of reasons from pnd to financial to childcare.

We are happy and have a good way of life.

I'm an only child myself and my dm says at least I was able to go to uni without (much) debt amongst other things.

Yes am asked if I've stopped at one but I'm facing late 30's and couldn't face the broken sleep etc

Yes I get broody and dh wants another one but I don't think I could cope that well.

So I've stopped at one.

YANBU.

I am an only child and like to think I've turned out relatively normal!

I also have an only child (DD 9). Tbh I always anticipated more but after a difficult pg, delivery and quite severe PND didn't feel quite so sure and in the end neither DH or I ever got that real longing for another. DD has always been very happy to be an only child.

It is really lovely having one - we are really close and I feel very 'in tune' with her (which I'm sure mums with more than 1 also feel). I love that we can give her all the time & attention she needs without worrying about someone being left out, and from a practical/financial POV we are also able to do more than we would if we had other children.

Berstie makes a really good point about the higher level of freedom you have in some ways with an only child.

My friends with multiple DC's frequently look at me like this >> when we talk about plans for the school hols, for instance, because having to take into account different ages, genders & interests plus costs prohibits them doing stuff.

Yanbu. This is something we're grappling with right now.

My best responses:

"Give us a few minutes in your shower. We'll do our best!"

"I don't want to play favourites."

"I'm not a farmer; I don't need more workers."

"Why? What's wrong with this one?"

YANBU. We have just the one girl. She is perfect - apart from the normal teenage trials and tribulations. She was completely unexpected and arrived after multiple miscarriages. When she is not being a 12 YO diva she is perfect.
My sister OTOH, has eight. Every single one of her children is a joy to be with.
Horses for courses.

I just answer, "well, it's none of your business, is it?" and then change the subject. I'm getting a lot less likely to put up with bullshit comments as I get older.

We have a DS, we aren't having another, I don't make comments about others' choices because I'm not an asshat there are many reasons for US to have no more than one child and they're all personal and private.

DS is almost 2yo, just started nursery and shares very well already. That may change, it may not. He doesn't get everything he wants. DH has a large family (ds is the 8th granchild for pil) and we all live close so will have the benefit of rowdy birthday parties, great days out with cousins but peace once he gets home

It is a very personal question. I can't believe people are asking already, especially your midwife!?

I am always quite vague. Who knows what the future might bring? type responses work well. Then change the subject. I wouldn't discuss it with others as there is nothing really to discuss, people have their own opinions and experiences.

It's perfectly fine to want/have one child. It is no one else's business - other than your partner if you have one.

But whilst you won't forget the bad bits of TTC/pregnancy and labour the sting of remembering it will dull. After DD1 (wonderful pregnancy but horrific labour) I felt like you do. When I became accidentally pregnant when she was 14 months (failed mini pill) I was horrified. But when I miscarried that pregnancy I was devastated and determined to try again.

I went on to have DD2 and DS. Both very much wanted.

As an aside you are a year younger than when I started. I had my first at 34. My second at 37 and my last at 44. I'm not trying to change your mind. Just saying you don't necessarily have to decide now. In the meantime try to think of a retort that works for you that keeps the nosy busybodies at bay.

Yanbu,you might change your mind in time and you might not it's no ones business.
When people suggest you won't stop at one just disengage and cut off the conversation.

Iv had to do it twice this week.
One by annoying sister that ask's every time I see her and she knows the answer.
And one from my manager asking if I'm going to have an Xmas baby.

Adding to the chorus of YANBUs.

The number of children you want is a very personal thing IMO and E and what feels right to you feels right to you, end of.