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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be flipping out about housework/ childcare now DH has jacked in job???

61 replies

goldnsunsets · 09/11/2013 20:28

DH has jacked in job, to follow his life dream, to do a taught masters follwed by phd.

this entails no income for at least 2 years, after which so he tells me, he will get 'part time consultancy work' whatever that might mean. previously he was well paid. he was well paid enough for us to previously afford a cleaner, which i felt was fair and i didnt mind as much about the total lack of application in the domestic arena.

i am now the main income generator, which i do not mind as of in itself. i like my job.

his life is now considerably more leisuredly, home by 4.30 most days, and not working more than a 3.5 day week.

i am working a full week into four days, as I am with ds on Fridays. dh does no childcare during the week, i.e. does not save us money in this respect, because he needs to study. which i appreciate, but am a bit amazed by.

we have moved to the country so that said dream can be followed. he has no driving license (althogh in process of lessons, to be fair) meaning i do all the family food shopping, all the nursery pick ups/ drop offs, all the cooking, all the laundry and any cleaning that acutely manages to get done.

on some days he may feel moviated to clean the kitchen, unload the dishwasher but this is far from regular and i just dont understand why he doesne see that stuff needs to be done every day.

this morning he screamed at me for buying a josephjoseph spoon holder from john lewis. a handy little device that i am pleased with that cost about a tenner. I flipped.

i am so bitter and resentful at the moment and so angry with him.

aibu for a: being livid that all my free time is swalloed up with domestic duties? or should i just suck it up and appreciate what he does when he does it?

b: furious that i am the main earner and do all the rest too?
c: angry that we are now sliding into debt and he doesnt take on any part time work as he wants to 'focus'??

sorry. shaking with rage. help.

OP posts:
Original poster
goldnsunsets · 09/11/2013 20:30

sorry for typos btw and bizarre use of language at points. rage clouding my brain.

OP posts:
Original poster
goldnsunsets · 09/11/2013 20:30

also any practical advice on how to deal with this?

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/11/2013 20:30

YANBU
Brew or Wine

Original poster
goldnsunsets · 09/11/2013 20:31

sorry, when i say he is woring a 3.5 day week, i mean he is required to attend his course that much. i do appreciate he has study to do around those times.

OP posts:
Original poster
goldnsunsets · 09/11/2013 20:31

thanks amanda. i think i am beyond tea and need to hit the wine!!!

OP posts:
Dobbiesmum · 09/11/2013 20:33

Did he just pack in his job without talking it over with you first or did you go over the practicalities? If you did it might be time to rather forcefully remind him of any agreement. It sounds like he gets to follow his dream and you just get dragged along for the ride.

Dobbiesmum · 09/11/2013 20:33

Sorry, YANBU and Wine obviously x

Original poster
goldnsunsets · 09/11/2013 20:34

i have to shut this down and see what is happening abuot bedtime as he is supposed to be dong it but back shortly

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/11/2013 20:35

So you are supporting him. And he is being a sahd without the "d"?
That would really frustrate me tbh. But are you actually surprised?
What's the longer term return for you?

marriedinwhiteisback · 09/11/2013 20:35

This clearly isn't what you bought into. Is there a compromise that can be reached. Can you draw up a schedule showing how many hours you are working and how many he is working/studying and take it from there? Can you draw up a schedule about income? Can you move somewhere smaller, more convenient that requires less cleaning, less money, less driving?

I'd be furious too.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/11/2013 20:38

When you're both calm enough for a conversation say you need a cleaner or divide the chores.

Get food shopping delivered ( really hope there's a supermarket that delivers)

2cats2many · 09/11/2013 20:39

You definitely agree expectations otherwise there will just be more rows and resentment.

OhBabyLilyMunster · 09/11/2013 20:40

Have u posted about this before? Its ringing a bell

holidaysarenice · 09/11/2013 20:42

9-5 four days of the week neither of you cook/clean etc. The time outside of this gets divided exactly into two. Within this you divide up duties with ur son, cleaning, shopping etc. One half each.

Therefore you both have equal 'career', leisure and chore time. If he needs extra it comes from his leisure time. If money is tight then you need a budget and he needs to realise that he can only reduce his chore time etc by doing part time work, not fucking about.

PasswordProtected · 09/11/2013 20:42

This sounds like a done deal from his point of view.
I would sit down, calmly, and draw up a list of all the things that need to be done, then work out who is going to do them based on availability. Review every 6 weeks or so.
Sadly I cannot understand yor anger at being the main breadwinner. I was for the 9 months before my husband killed himself nearly 10 years ago & did the lion's share of domestic stuff. It didn't really bother me as things have to be done whether you are alone or in a family.

DaveGahanAndADeckchair · 09/11/2013 20:43

Presumably you agreed to the move to the country and the courses? Or not? Did you not discuss how it was going to work, him not driving and stuff?

bellasuewow · 09/11/2013 20:44

He sounds like your teenage son sorry was his dream not to be a husband and father or is that one over with now

Phineyj · 09/11/2013 20:45

YANBU. There is no excuse for not being able to keep on top of household jobs and keep up with studying for an MA. My (now) DH was working full time when I was doing my MA and I did all my own house stuff and some of his (not living together) - got the top grade too! It would be U if your was doing childcare during the week, but doesn't sound like that's the case.

Did he live alone before you got together? Was it squalid? If not, he can do it, just doesn't consider it his problem.

Joysmum · 09/11/2013 20:45

It's been a while since I was at uni as an undergraduate but when I was, the 3.5 days I attended was the tip of the iceberg. Just because I was at home would not mean I was doing nothing. It's the equivalent of working from home.

You need to talk, Work out between you how many hours you both think you do. One thing I do know, it'll get worse for him in terms of work needed so this is just the beginning.

dreamingbohemian · 09/11/2013 20:46

He is massively taking the piss. I say this as someone who just finished a phd after a taught masters. No way did I get to jack everything in just to study!

I wonder how much of this life's dream is really to study, rather than to live the student life again. It sounds pretty cushy for him.

He should be applying for PhD studentships after he finishes the MA, depending on his field.... these would be no tuition plus a stipend, often around 10K a year. Why is he saying he just wants to do PT consultancy?

It might be a reasonable strategy to not work during the MA, so that you can do very well and make good connections and thus get a funded PhD, thus saving yourself lots of money.
But if he's not aiming for a funded PhD then really he should do the degrees part-time and work part-time. If you're going into debt then you can't afford his dream.

Beastofburden · 09/11/2013 20:46

He is expecting to do a taught masters followed by a dPhil in 2 years? Where is this possible? Surely it is 4 years minimum.

Sounds highly self-indulgent to me. He needs to take on board the examples of single mothers working their way through college and caring for their DC, and not model himself on the carefree single man toying with a bit of further study.

First up, he gets to do your 1 day a week childcare and you work your hours uncompressed. Because he can promise to do the cleaning and nev do it, but if he is charge on a Friday and you have gone to work he can't get out of that.

Second, you leave the domestic stuff until the weekend, when both of you do two hours cleaning, together.

Don't do any housework unless he sees you do it, or he will think its no trouble.

It is quite likely he will find this course harder than he thinks, most people do, and then he will seek to blame you and family life. So the sooner you agree a pattern of each of you working 4 days, the better.

Phineyj · 09/11/2013 20:58

It does depend on the subject of course but I found 9-5 Mon to Fri was way more than most students spent on their MA - and that still gives time to do the dishes and the laundry. You have to treat it like a job. If it takes you 50 or 60 hours a week - are you on the right course?

Bettylafea · 09/11/2013 21:02

Wow, I worked and looked after preschool children while studying for my masters.

Original poster
goldnsunsets · 09/11/2013 21:02

really appreciateing all the feedback. yes, i was and am fully on board with his dream, i can see that in the long term he will be in a job he will enjoy. no, not posted about this lately!

much appreciate practical suggestions. i think a timeline of work/ lesiure chore time is the best course of action for the mean time.

all suggestions on how to manage this without throttling spouse gratefully appreciated, and also appreciating messages of support.

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Original poster
goldnsunsets · 09/11/2013 21:04

and i like my fucking spoon holder!!! (just shouting that to the keyboard, sorry)

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