aibu to be flipping out about housework/ childcare now DH has jacked in job???

[goldnsunsets]

DH has jacked in job, to follow his life dream, to do a taught masters follwed by phd.

this entails no income for at least 2 years, after which so he tells me, he will get 'part time consultancy work' whatever that might mean. previously he was well paid. he was well paid enough for us to previously afford a cleaner, which i felt was fair and i didnt mind as much about the total lack of application in the domestic arena.

i am now the main income generator, which i do not mind as of in itself. i like my job.

his life is now considerably more leisuredly, home by 4.30 most days, and not working more than a 3.5 day week.

i am working a full week into four days, as I am with ds on Fridays. dh does no childcare during the week, i.e. does not save us money in this respect, because he needs to study. which i appreciate, but am a bit amazed by.

we have moved to the country so that said dream can be followed. he has no driving license (althogh in process of lessons, to be fair) meaning i do all the family food shopping, all the nursery pick ups/ drop offs, all the cooking, all the laundry and any cleaning that acutely manages to get done.

on some days he may feel moviated to clean the kitchen, unload the dishwasher but this is far from regular and i just dont understand why he doesne see that stuff needs to be done every day.

this morning he screamed at me for buying a josephjoseph spoon holder from john lewis. a handy little device that i am pleased with that cost about a tenner. I flipped.

i am so bitter and resentful at the moment and so angry with him.

aibu for a: being livid that all my free time is swalloed up with domestic duties? or should i just suck it up and appreciate what he does when he does it?

b: furious that i am the main earner and do all the rest too?
c: angry that we are now sliding into debt and he doesnt take on any part time work as he wants to 'focus'??

sorry. shaking with rage. help.

Sit down with him and discuss. You need to tell him how you're feeling because it'll come out otherwise. Also talk to him about childcare too as he must be able to manage doing a day a week.

I googled that spoonholder. I want one now...

I agree with Phiney. Again, depending on the field, I would practically say that if you need more than 40 hours a week, every week, to do the taught MA, you might not be the right person to do a PhD.

Personally I'd be telling him that he can either find a way to manage his studies so that he has time to do an equal share at home, or he can do the PhD part-time and work part-time. Otherwise you will be in this exact same situation for another 4 years.

Relationship counselling? Seriously, he sounds demented like he's having a midlife crisis.

Unfortunately, I think underneath he knows that he is being unreasonable so he's presenting things to you as a fait accompli and being aggressive on the basis that the best form of attack is defence.

I'd want to discuss this with a third party there

Currently I'm working full time while doing my MA. Not easy by any stretch so much so last week I almost wanted to quit. There is no way I would think it is appropriate for him to drop all the balls to do his MA when he has other obligations and insufficient funds. I am considering phd for next year and I will continue full time work at least for the early years so definitely he should be doing more. You need a serious chat.

I am assuming he is doing full-time masters, I did that as well & had my dd with me on Fridays & did all the cooking, cooking etc
I had an au pair looking after my dd hours when I was at Uni/travelling to and from.

I submitted all assignments on time & passed exams, I was late submitting my thesis as my son was born 2 weeks prior the deadline

My ex was working long hours and looked after her weekends and evenings putting her to sleep etc. I wasn't driving then so shopping was done weekends, the 3 of us. I can't remember it being a massive chore. he was also doing the second year of his masters which were part time (2 evenings a week).

It can be done as a couple, but the agreement must be that you both have agreed timetable who does what when. He certainly has enough time to do housework and cleaning. It may get much busier for him when he starts studying for his exams from March.

If he works hard this time next year he will have Masters but quite far off his Phd.

I think he shouldn't self indulge in being a student but get on with being a father too!

I remember Maters were tough for me but not because of the lack of support from my then husband but sheer amount of work I needed to put into it.

And for another comparison -- I have a good friend who works FT, has three kids who he takes care of equally, and is doing his PhD part-time (in a very prestigious department so not an easy degree at all). That is the reality of doing postgrad when you have a family, not expecting your partner to do everything while you study and beg off housework and sink into debt.

I think it's great you're supporting his dream. I know my DH was amazing in supporting mine. BUT I tried to show that gratitude in doing loads of housework and childcare, and working part-time, and as much as possible not letting my studies dictate our lives.

You say down the line he will have a great job from this. So, imagine that's happened, and now you want to be the one to go back and study. Do you think your DH would do all the housework and school runs and shopping and cooking while you did nothing but study?

So he is basically a waste of space at the moment.

I would be reminding him of this. He is someone that is in the way, an extra mouth to feed, who is making no input at all.

He has 2 choices really. He either accepts that he does his fair share of the household things, or he does it all. If he chooses the latter, then this will entail him also packing up his stuff and leaving.

It doesn't matter what he is doing 'work' wise, he still has responsibilities at home. It doesn't matter where he lives, he would still have to clean, cook, shop etc..

You are not his mum. You are not his servant. Tell him it ends tonight.

I dont' care if in a few years time, he thinks he will be earning xx. There is no guarantee that he will earn xx, there is no guarantee that he will get a job (how many grads are currently unemployed?), and there is no guarantee that he will pass. Pipedreams don't put food on the table, pay the bills, do the chores and the rest of the stuff involved in living in the real world as a father and partner.

I know people doing Master courses who have classes later than 4pm who also work part-time.

really appreciating all comments!

• @dobbies mum - i know isnt it great! so handy for mess saving!

• @dreaming bohemiam, would he bollocks! of course he wouldnt.

• @all the helpful comments about sitting down and drawaing up a routine, i dont think that would pan out. he is highly disorganised and resents being asked to do anything. he is in many ways, a nightmare life partner, but i chose him and i can keep it all ticking along in many ways but just feel flattened by it right now. there is a lot right with him and he supports me emotionally and i always enjoy talking to him, so that goes far. but equally he is a massive teenager and as posters have commented, he is loving the student life and not necessarily the working father with commitments bit i think.

i could weep, really. ok i am now having a little cry.

and he is majorly pushing for us to ttc, which i just do not understand - of course i would love another child but where does he think we have the capacity? i find it boggling, to be honest.

which makes me in turn, a raging loon, brandishing john lewish cookware. oh dear.

also, @ all those who have done masters/ given birth / held down full employment/ come top of class, you all rock and i hope your dp's are very appreciative!!

You are totally NBU over the housework, he needs to pull his weight.

But YWBU about the spoon holder. If you're sliding into debt that was a really stupid thing to buy. Put the spoon on a saucer.

good point sea sick sal. i know. chastized. it was silly.

(but i really do like it)

When our DC were small, my DH did an access course, a degree, a PGCE and a PhD --- and still helped with childcare and housework... I was a SAHM, so did a lot of the day-to-day shopping (no car) and all cooking and washing, but he pulled his weight and we did it as a team. You're being taken for a ride OP.....

There is a book called household management for men. You can get it on amazon. I actually bought it for myself because I really struggled with housework, wasn't really taught anything because was at boarding school from quite young.

It's absolutely brilliant, starts right from scratch for someone taking on more household duties. Would really recommend.

What an awful situation
Dont get why you moved to a rural location unless he's training to be a farmer!

we're not really sliding into debt, that made it sound worse that it is... we are balancing the books coz we've moved to bum fuck nowhere with not a shop for a five mile radius!!

yes, i nkow, all part of said dream, but i do like it here i really do. very peaceful. thanks for the book tip seasick, am googling now

OP, did you write a few months ago about your DH wanting to move to an idyllic rural setting to allow him to follow his dream of further study, which would mean you would have to continue to work fulltime and have a longer commute? Apologies if this wasn't you, but the general consensus to that OP was that this would be an insane way for a family to proceed.

I think that your DH is taking the piss MASSIVELY and needs to get his act together with regard to how many hours he spends studying - a Masters degree is not supposed to take 50-60-70 hours per week. He is backing you into a position where his "studying" becomes a stick to beat you with, and will be his default get-out clause whenever you ask him to participate fully in family life.

The thing is OP -- if this were just a year, I'd say okay, keep trying to keep things ticking over, if you do love him so much.

But if he's only just started the MA then we are talking YEARS. And that's assuming everything goes ok. He might fail his upgrade and need to resubmit. He might need to take the extra year to write up. He might have major corrections at his viva.

You really need to nip his attitude in the bud now. I feel very angry on your behalf.

I can only speak from my own perspective of studying full time - appreciate different courses have different demands of course - but I eventually got a 1st when I was a single mum. I obviously had no choice but to also do all the housework, shopping (before days of online ordering), cooking, gardening, laundry, school runs whenever lectures allowed me to (to minimise cost of childminder). It all meant I didn't have as much leisure time as I wanted, but it wasn't as if I never had any. I find it hard to believe your DP has no spare time to do as much as he can to ease the drudge load, and, dare I say it, feel he's using studying as an excuse not to pitch in. After all, "study" is hard to quantify isn't it - it's very difficult for anyone to categorically state how much study someone else "should" be doing ..... that's going to depend on all sorts of factors like course demands, ability, commitment etc. .... but it also means it's easy for someone who may want to "get out" of stuff they'd rather not be doing to claim that they've been filling their time with study.

Of course, if all his time is being taken up with study, and it's not close to exams when you can understand there's usually a need to spend a bit more time doing it, you may have to question if he's struggling with the workload.

Oh, and BTW, I also did ironing at home to try and make ends meet as well as all the other stuff.

And got a 1st.

My gut instinct is he's being a lazy bum - at best. At worst, he's pretty damn arrogant and I'd be losing my rag with him. Especially if he "resents" being asked to do anything - oh diddums - why the heck is he seemingly above pulling his weight but it's okay for you to pick up the slack ? I'd be drawing up that routine, and if he didn't respond fairly, would be very tempted to issue ultimatums. It's not as if you'd be any worse off than now ...... but you'd have less bloody laundry, less bloody mess, and less any other chore he helps create, and most importantly, less resentment - which eats you up and stresses you out.

He's got you into the position he wants you as - unpaid housekeeper and childminder, plus income generator.

He doesn't drive, ffs.
He doesn't do his share of house or child stuff.
He has decided to study full time.
He doesn't work.
He doesn't feel any pressure to return to work.

How strange that you put up with it. You must really want to stay married to this man. He must have something going for him, because his behaviour's awful.

He needs to make some effort.