aibu to be flipping out about housework/ childcare now DH has jacked in job???

[goldnsunsets]

DH has jacked in job, to follow his life dream, to do a taught masters follwed by phd.

this entails no income for at least 2 years, after which so he tells me, he will get 'part time consultancy work' whatever that might mean. previously he was well paid. he was well paid enough for us to previously afford a cleaner, which i felt was fair and i didnt mind as much about the total lack of application in the domestic arena.

i am now the main income generator, which i do not mind as of in itself. i like my job.

his life is now considerably more leisuredly, home by 4.30 most days, and not working more than a 3.5 day week.

i am working a full week into four days, as I am with ds on Fridays. dh does no childcare during the week, i.e. does not save us money in this respect, because he needs to study. which i appreciate, but am a bit amazed by.

we have moved to the country so that said dream can be followed. he has no driving license (althogh in process of lessons, to be fair) meaning i do all the family food shopping, all the nursery pick ups/ drop offs, all the cooking, all the laundry and any cleaning that acutely manages to get done.

on some days he may feel moviated to clean the kitchen, unload the dishwasher but this is far from regular and i just dont understand why he doesne see that stuff needs to be done every day.

this morning he screamed at me for buying a josephjoseph spoon holder from john lewis. a handy little device that i am pleased with that cost about a tenner. I flipped.

i am so bitter and resentful at the moment and so angry with him.

aibu for a: being livid that all my free time is swalloed up with domestic duties? or should i just suck it up and appreciate what he does when he does it?

b: furious that i am the main earner and do all the rest too?
c: angry that we are now sliding into debt and he doesnt take on any part time work as he wants to 'focus'??

sorry. shaking with rage. help.

he sounds like basically another child for you to look after at the minute.

Could he not do one day a week childcare (to save childcare costs) and then study one day at the weekend? This is how me and dh manage, he works 5 /6 day week but one of his days off is midweek (while I am at work) which saves loads in childcare costs

Plus pick one (fairly sizeable) job that is his to do every day- could be cooking /washing up/ bedtime. We certainly find a clear division stops any rows

All student parents I know pull off amazing feats juggling childcare/housework/studying, not fair for him to try and opt out. Even if he was living alone he would have to feed himself/do laundry etc

I am sorry - but what is there to organise?
make list of chores to do and get on with them such as - empty bins, empty dishwasher, fold & hang washing, wash kitchen/bqthroom floor, bleach toilets?

those are repeatable simple jobs

how on earth can he do masters if he is disorganised?
he will fail if he isn't

or... perhaps - he pretends to be disorganized to make you do all the housework...

ps. I got just pass on my masters, no way I would get Merit or Distinction
:)

YANBU. We had more or less the same situation here. I politely pointed out that I could not get everything done and whilst I appreciate he is doing two days childcare, there are 5 other days in the week when he can do things. I often find saying "I would really appreciate it if you could do x/y/z today, as I have a, b, c, to do"
But make sure you make him feel appreciated. Men are fickle creatures.

he wants you to have another baby?! will he make the effort to help look after a newborn in between his studying?

I also wonder if you are the poster whose husband wanted a 4 bed house in the countryside and to do all this studying with no prospect of a job.

I am not sure why you are in the thrall of this man really, but you are, and it's almost pointless to try to convince you that he's taking the mickey, but he is, he really is.

I have a Masters and a PhD and I worked about two days a week during those, as well as running my own household. It is just not possible, on the amount of funding you get (and he doesn't even have Masters funding) to manage otherwise.

He also seems to misunderstand a PhD timescale, two years is nothing to do with anything, if his Masters is full time it takes one year, and the PhD three years- it would be great if he could get consultancy work then but why not now?

You sound almost passive in the face of his demands to support him and to have another baby, I think that would be a mistake but I'm not sure you feel strongly enough to avert it.Good luck- I think you will need it.

thanking all posts! no im not that other poster. she sounds mental.
watched a bit of my cousin vinny and calmed down.
night all xx

sorry didnt mean to sound flippant there - i really do appreciate all the time people have put in to responding to me. just exhausted.

i will try and be calm and see if we can talk more tomorrow.

Bit of a side note but I don't think he should even consider doing a PhD without receiving funding for it. He would be better of getting a job in the field post Masters and then thinking about a PhD from within that department when the right thing comes along. I know it might vary by department but during my PhD, those who self funded were quite often seen as vanity projects, their work less useful, they were not part of a team and were more isolated. Some people were paid full time salaries for doing their PhD, if they had a related job first. Most funded students received £14-16k, tax free and £22ph for any teaching they did.

I'm sure any dream he has involves his work being taken seriously and he would prefer to be paid for it than shell out for the fees and the privilege of doing it.

Don't have a baby with this waster!

My sister did her PhD as a single mum and still worked PT.
And my other sister's husband did his, still did lots with kids and around the house. In fact he does the bulk of childcare and cooking, they have a cleaner too.

So I think your dh is not pulling his weight.