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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no, dp can't take our breastfed ds away for 5 days?

47 replies

misspontypine · 09/11/2013 20:18

Ds is 10 months old. He is breastfed but also eats other food, some days he mostly eats food with just a few breastfeeds but other days ( when he is teething or under the weather) he eats hardly any food and will only breastfeed.

We have tried cups/bottles of expressed milk but he refuses, we have tried regularly for the past 7 months.

I'm terrified of flying, I usually take valium to help me deal with the flight but as I'm bf that isn't an option.

I am from the UK so flying is not something I can avoid but the 3-4 days before a flight are awful I have a constant low level feeling of panic and anxiety dreams about plane crashes.

Dp's parents live 1000 km away, they come to the city we live in regularly but they have lots of people to see so they often don't visit us at all it is a case of us going to the place they are staying, it is always US instigating contact. I have suggested they might like to come and spend the day with us, come to playgroup with us, eat meals, give ds a bath but they always decline.

Mil really wants us to come and stay for the weekend. I have suggested we go in January when dp has paternity leave and we can go for tge entire week. I have said I'd prefer to drive ( partly because of my fear of flying bit also so we have tge freedom of having our own care to escapefor a couple of hours a day)

Pil were here last week and will be here mid December but mil has asked dp to fly up to stay with them taking ds but leaving me at home.

Aibu to think that he shouldn't take ds? What is he is teething and wont eat? He is fed to sleep and we co-sleep, I know I'd be miserable ans miss ds but aibu to think he'dmiss me my boobs

OP posts:
Whocansay · 09/11/2013 20:22

I'd be amazed if your dp agreed, tbh. It sounds as if it would be hell on earth for him, trying to care for a baby missing its mum!

I would say no, personally. I wouldn't have wanted to be apart from my dcs when they were so young and for so long.

happydaze77 · 09/11/2013 20:24

YANBU. It was very unkind of your MIL to suggest your dh and ds leave you behind. What does your dh think? Hopefully he'll stick by you?

cuttingpicassostoenails · 09/11/2013 20:25

Gird your loins, dig your heels in, put on your best "do not mess with me" face and say "NO".

Sirzy · 09/11/2013 20:26

They can't be bothered to visit you when they are local therefore they get no say in when you visit them!

No matter what to suggest taking a breastfed baby away from its mother for 5 days is madness!

Annunziata · 09/11/2013 20:26

How unkind to not invite you too!

YANBU!

DoctorRobert · 09/11/2013 20:27

yanbu.

redcaryellowcar · 09/11/2013 20:27

yanbu, leaving a young child is not necessary or fair, you need dh on side, so try to stay level and continue to offer the driving up option, as this sounds like a very reasonable compromise.

Mmmbacon · 09/11/2013 20:28

Ok firstly have you spoke to gp about valium as I took xanac or something while I was bfeeding for hospital procedure,
Secondly driving 1000 kms with a then year old sounds like a nightmare, the longest we ever did was 4 hours and he hated the car for about a month after and would scream incase it was a long journey,

Thirdly, your dp can take your dc away for a few days to visit family, yes he will miss boobs, but he should be fine at that age,

JoinTheDots · 09/11/2013 20:29

YANBU and I agree it would be hell for your DH so surely he wont want to go without you. I can see why your MIL would invite hime without you - she is probably thinking if you wont fly, the other 2 can and she can still get a visit without you being anxious about the travel - but its going to be just as bad for you being anxious about your son not eating or sleeping without you (or indeed, your boobs!)

noblegiraffe · 09/11/2013 20:31

No, he is breastfed and neither your DH nor Mil can feed him so you need to be with him. Even if you weren't bfing you'd be perfectly within your rights to say no, you don't want a week away from him.

January isn't that much longer to wait.

Debs75 · 09/11/2013 20:35

NO don't let him take ds away for 5 days. My younger dd's would of driven everyone mental if they were away from me at that age for that long.
The likelihood is that he will cry for you and not eat well and not settle so dp will let gm have a go at settling him, someone he doesn't know. This would be a nightmare and you will struggle with him when they return.
If he is feeding to sleep and getting night feeds he will not be ok

BerstieSpotts · 09/11/2013 20:38

At 10 months I think 5 days is unreasonable. They are pretty dependent on BF still. Not enough to be an issue for most things but not a separation of almost a week.

I get how some people might think this selfish or unfair but I think it's just a fact of life if you BF that when they are little you can't be away from them for as long as you might be able to be if they weren't.

Better if you all go IMO.

Original poster
misspontypine · 09/11/2013 20:43

We have driven much further with ds ( Stockholme to the UK) recently. Ds is an amazing traveler, he just sleeps, it doesn't seem to affect his night sleep either me and dp joke that if we are having a really hard day we should just drive around we would also drive in the night as dp works ( as a lorry driver) in the night, so a 10 hour drive is just a night's work for him.

That is really interesting about xanac, I'll look into it, so far I have coped with a couple of glasses of wine, I have looked at the research and such a small % goes into my milk I don't worry about it.

I think ds would be fine in as much as he wouldn't starve ( he has some good reserves on his chubby legs) I just don't think it would be pleasant for either me or ds and possibly dp, I understand pil wanting to spend quality time with ds, I think it's really good for babies to live in tge same house as close family for a few days but I think my ds's breastfeeding routine is more important, I want to bf him until 1 because he refuses bottles.

I did take ds to the UK for a week when he was 8 months old without dp, it was a close family member's funeral. I felt terrible, but I didn't have much choice.

OP posts:
DefiniteMaybe · 09/11/2013 20:44

My ds is 5 (and not breastfed) and wouldn't cope away from me for 5 days. Yanbu to say no.

happyyonisleepyyoni · 09/11/2013 20:45

YANBU and your parents in law need to reconsider their priorities.

If they are able to visit other people in your city, they can extend their visits to spend time with you. A 1000km journey with a 10 month old is not to be undertaken lightly for anyone. Taking a 10 month old breast fed baby away from his/her mum for 5 days is totally out of the question as any reasonable person would understand, suspect your mil did not BF or has conveniently forgotten what it is like.

nextphase · 09/11/2013 20:47

I'd check out the valium, as a one off dose (well, I guess twice) from the bfn and see what they say. It might not be a problem.

But equally, I wouldn't leave him at that age when it isn't necessary - but then I'm also telling DH he can't take DS2 (2 1/2) to his homeland, and leave him with his grandparents for a month - mainly because I'll miss him, so maybe I'm not the best to listen to (and yes, I know I'm being PSB)

RandomMess · 09/11/2013 20:52

All I can think of immediately is how sore your boobs are going to be!!! It's absolutely too long for a bf baby to be away from his mum.

Phineyj · 09/11/2013 20:52

I find it most odd that they don't prioritise seeing you more when they are in your city - less hassle all round. In my family the people the most able to travel, travel, not the least. YANBU.

Dobbiesmum · 09/11/2013 20:53

YANBU on many levels, the practicalities of your DS being breast fed aside it won't be quality time with their grandchild if he's fretting away from the one person who can comfort him the most will it? I bet they haven't thought along those lines though, it might be worth mentioning it.
On the flying front a friend of mine had therapy (CBT I think, could be wrong though) which helped her massively. She lives overseas now and flies back here regularly with minimum stress when a few years ago she would have a full on panic attack before any flights.

DollyShouldHaveDumpedStiva · 09/11/2013 20:57

Yanbu say NO.

Original poster
misspontypine · 09/11/2013 21:04

Mil didn't bf, I think they forget how young ds is, he can walk and say a few words so I think they see him as a toddler rather than a baby.

I will look into if I can take vallium, I hate the way it makes me feel nothing so actually if I can cope with a couple of glasses of wine that is better, I flew when I was pregnant with no wine and no vallium so I know I can do it, I just wouldn't choose to spend the beginning and end of a holiday terrified.

Thankyou for the reassurance that ianbu!

OP posts:
Chunderella · 09/11/2013 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/11/2013 21:38

Tell them to sod off. A baby's needs come first at all times, and the needs and wishes of the mother come second. Everybody else can work round that or get stuffed.

dietcokeandwine · 09/11/2013 21:49

OP I have a 9mo who is no longer BF. He happily takes 3 bottles of formula and eats 3 good solid meals per day and eats with gusto regardless of whether it's me or DH or Granny or whoever feeding him. He self settles for all daytime naps and the nighttime sleep in his cot. It doesn't need to be me who puts him down. He really is about as flexible as a 9mo can be.

And I still would not allow DH to take him away for 5 days!

The BF thing is a good point to argue but it's not really the critical issue tbh. The point is your DS is far too young to be away from you that long. It would stress you both out and it's not fair.

YANBU.

MrsMook · 09/11/2013 21:50

YANBU
He will be distressed.
You will be distressed and have very painful boobs.

I had a bottle refuser. In an attempt to try to convince him to take a bottle for starting nursery at about 9m, we went a day cold turkey and it was total misery for the pair of us. When I cracked through engorgement and being upset, it was a brilliant relief to feed him.

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