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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say girlfriends can only start on the weekend?

69 replies

msjasonbourne · 09/11/2013 19:39

DsS has new girlfriend who I have met only twice, both times she said hello then disappeared into DSS bedroom. The second time she stayed over, supposedly in the spare room but mainly in DSs room. I'm not very comfortable with this, although DH thinks it ok.
Anyway I said to DSs that visitors were welcome but could stay over only at weekends and I'd prefer if he was in an established relationship. I'm the only worker in the household at the moment, DH is long term sick and DSS is off for next 3 months following an accident.
DSS is 18.5 so adult, I realise that, but it's more about the stranger in the house and short length of the relationship .DSS can't remember how long he's been seeing her.
Anyway I thought we all were in agreement but today, only 2 days after that conversation, DSS asked if gf could stay Sunday night. So I said no, dh and dss had a proper go at me and we had a big row, which ended withl me throwing a bag of parsnips at DSS as he keft the house.
DH has only just found out that DSS has been a regular weedsmoker for 4 years so tied up in the row is my irritation that dss has treated dh like a mug over that time and dh is still letting him do as he pleases with no thought for anyone else.
I know I shouldn't have thrown the parsnips but am I being unreasonable? I've not said no sleepovers, just put restrictions in place.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/11/2013 19:41

If there are 3 adults in the house then it seems fair that decisions are agreed by you all, or at least discussed between you and your husband - I don't see why you should get the deciding vote?

If they spend all the time in his room why is it an issue anyway?

Original poster
msjasonbourne · 09/11/2013 19:48

True, they do spend all the time in his room
. But we're not 3 adult flatmates, we're a family and we don't know the girlfriend, she's a stranger to us at the moment.
We seem to have missed the getting to know you bit and gone straight to the staying over bit.

OP posts:
lljkk · 09/11/2013 19:48

I think yabu (sorry). I would insist she's quiet, unobtrusive, tidy, doesn't get pregnant, doesn't nick anything (sorry but druggie ref rang my alarm bells); but I wouldn't ban her staying particularly.

Sirzy · 09/11/2013 19:50

Well then instead of trying to ban them from seeing each other unless it suits you make the effort to get to know her. Encourage meals together (at weekends of course ;)) and other things.

It has to be a 2 way relationship and if you are making it clear she isn't welcome then she isn't going to want to get to know you is she?

Original poster
msjasonbourne · 09/11/2013 19:56

I've not said she's not welcome, I've just said she can only stay over at weekends. She's can come over as much as she likes but just go home in the week.

OP posts:
Onesleeptillwembley · 09/11/2013 20:00

YANBU. It's your house. And whoever thinks it should be a three way decision is mad.

antimatter · 09/11/2013 20:01

am I right to say that a non-working adults in OP's house can make her stresses and unhappy about her own home?

perhaps once DSS brings some money to the table he can join in making rules....

OhBabyLilyMunster · 09/11/2013 20:02

I dont think its unreasonable to want to get to know the girl also

starlight1234 · 09/11/2013 20:03

I agree YANBU..Your house your rules

ImperialBlether · 09/11/2013 20:08

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and have to say I laughed at throwing the parsnips though you really shouldn't have done it.

I think the rule should be that if it's a steady girlfriend and if she's polite and friendly and happy to talk to everyone in the house, then she can stay over sometimes. Not always.

I pity you, being the only one working.

What's his mum's opinion?

lljkk · 09/11/2013 20:10

I still think that by putting that restriction you're treating him as a child. I'd be irritated with you, too.

Don't know what work has to do with it. If it was OP's retired dad would she have right to control his guests, too?

Sirzy · 09/11/2013 20:12

Your house your rules Surely its her husbands house too and as he is happy with it then they need to discuss it together. Your house your rules only works if everyone in the house agrees with that.

Onesleeptillwembley · 09/11/2013 20:17

Your house your rules works if the people that either own the house or pay the rent agree. Other people living there abide by said rules, whether technically adult or not.

Original poster
msjasonbourne · 09/11/2013 20:18

I'm not sure what his mum would think, I did ask but got told he wouldn't ask his mum if his gf could stay over in our house

the working bit is more about me being the only one who wants to go to bed at a reasonable time, and the onky one who has to get up early

my dh will agree with whatever dss wants to do so I am always in the minority.

OP posts:
Onesleeptillwembley · 09/11/2013 20:19

Including your DH as owns or pays rent as I assume you have set up house together.

RedToothBrush · 09/11/2013 20:20

Are you trying to alienate your son? If you want to get to know the girl, make the effort yourself. If you say she's not welcome, thats hardly going to solve your problem of not really knowing her is it?

Poor girl probably feels very uncomfortable about the 'getting to know you part' precisely BECAUSE she is staying over. She probably feels a bit awkward and a bit embarrassed because she knows you know she's having sex. If you ban her staying thats going to make that feel worse. Same goes for your DSS.

Bare in mind this embarrassment might mean that you will only get to know her slowly and not at the pace you want.

I'm afraid, as the 'head of the household' its your responsibility to make her feel welcome and to take the initiative about building the relationship, not vice versa. She will be always be a stranger if you don't make the effort. You saying you don't trust her because you don't know her, is effectively saying you don't trust your DSS too, so be careful with that one. You need to support your DSS decision here.

Unless of cause, you have no interest in supporting your DSS in the relationship and don't mind making it difficult for your son by putting him in the middle between trying to please you and trying to please his GF.

Newsflash: You won't win that choice. All you will do is build up more tension in the house, not only with your DSS but also with your DH.

Is it worth it? Or are you being remarkably petty.

mrspremise · 09/11/2013 20:21

I don't think that throwing things has helped your case, TBH Hmm

Original poster
msjasonbourne · 09/11/2013 20:26

But I've not banned her, all I've said is she can only stay over on weekends.

She can come round every night of the week, I just want her to go home and sleep in her own bed on weeknights.

is it normal now for girlfriends to stay over everytime they visit?

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 09/11/2013 20:30

Not the point. You have still sent the message that she's not always welcome.

lljkk · 09/11/2013 20:30

It's normal for them to want to spend any night together, yes.
I wonder if they would accept better if you could convince them how her being present in the house is so disturbing for you & disrupts your work. Do you just hate strangers in the house? Does she make demands or noise? Is it her in particular that makes you sleep poorly & feel unsettled?

Nanny0gg · 09/11/2013 20:36

Sorry, but I think it is entirely up to the OP who stays over in her house. And if she agreed to the visit and her DH was uncomfortable I would say that he had the veto.

If her DSS wants to have girlfriends stay over and pretty much do as he pleases then I suggest he gets his own place.

Nothing to stop the family getting to know the GF over time - that doesn't mean she has to stay.

ImperialBlether · 09/11/2013 20:37

Oh for heaven's sake, why should the OP want another teenager in the house every night of the week? She doesn't have to give reasons. If she sleeps better when there aren't others in the house, that's good enough.

OP, I think the problem's with your husband. He shouldn't do whatever it takes to make his son like him - he should respect your wishes and you are not unreasonable to say that you don't want someone else virtually living in the house.

NicknameIncomplete · 09/11/2013 20:43

YANBU. I wouldnt want my dds boyfriend staying over every night.

If your dss & his girlfriend want to be together every night they could rent their own place or stay at her house during the week & yours at weekends.

Goodadvice1980 · 09/11/2013 20:43

I think your "D"H and his dope smoking off spring should show a lot more respect for the woman who is the only one working and keeping a roof over their sorry fecking heads!

Coupon · 09/11/2013 21:17

Oh for heaven's sake, why should the OP want another teenager in the house every night of the week? She doesn't have to give reasons.

This.