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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say girlfriends can only start on the weekend?

69 replies

msjasonbourne · 09/11/2013 19:39

DsS has new girlfriend who I have met only twice, both times she said hello then disappeared into DSS bedroom. The second time she stayed over, supposedly in the spare room but mainly in DSs room. I'm not very comfortable with this, although DH thinks it ok.
Anyway I said to DSs that visitors were welcome but could stay over only at weekends and I'd prefer if he was in an established relationship. I'm the only worker in the household at the moment, DH is long term sick and DSS is off for next 3 months following an accident.
DSS is 18.5 so adult, I realise that, but it's more about the stranger in the house and short length of the relationship .DSS can't remember how long he's been seeing her.
Anyway I thought we all were in agreement but today, only 2 days after that conversation, DSS asked if gf could stay Sunday night. So I said no, dh and dss had a proper go at me and we had a big row, which ended withl me throwing a bag of parsnips at DSS as he keft the house.
DH has only just found out that DSS has been a regular weedsmoker for 4 years so tied up in the row is my irritation that dss has treated dh like a mug over that time and dh is still letting him do as he pleases with no thought for anyone else.
I know I shouldn't have thrown the parsnips but am I being unreasonable? I've not said no sleepovers, just put restrictions in place.

OP posts:
greenfolder · 09/11/2013 21:25

2 teen daughters.we are relaxed over most stuff but do not allow boyfriends overnight whilst we are here (they stay if we are away) why? Cos I don't want the house clogged up with teens and its our house and our sanctuary. End of.

Original poster
msjasonbourne · 09/11/2013 21:42

I've apologised to DSS about the parsnips now, he's fine about it.

Thanks for the replies, it helps to hear other people's views

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 09/11/2013 21:46

What are your reasons for only wanting her to stay at weekends?

So far, it doesn't sound like there's any actual reason other than you want it. But why do you want it? Unless you explain that, I can't see what the problem is with her staying over.

You might have a valid reason, or you might just be being difficult for the sake of it.

WaitMonkey · 09/11/2013 21:55

YANBU in the slightest. I'm amazed by those suggesting that as three adults living together it should be a joint decision. Presumably you and your dh, when he's working pay the mortgage and bills, not dss. If he doesn't like it he should find his own place to live.

ImperialBlether · 09/11/2013 21:57

She said, didn't she, WooWooOwl, that she didn't want the girlfriend staying when she herself has work the next morning.

ImperialBlether · 09/11/2013 21:57

She said, didn't she, WooWooOwl, that she didn't want the girlfriend staying when she herself has work the next morning.

Strumpetron · 09/11/2013 22:01

If it's a working household I can see why you'd only want her stopping at weekends!

If not then it wouldn't really make much of a different to me to be honest..

Original poster
msjasonbourne · 09/11/2013 22:02

Again, it's only about not staying over, it's not about banning her from visiting.

I work hard and have alot to do at home because of dh illness and now dss accident, so I just feel that I'd like my nights to myself. Not have to be conscious of someone else being around, sneaking around the house in the middle of the night.

A bit like greenfolder and her housebeing her sanctuary

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 09/11/2013 22:03

YANBU
The bit where I am sticky though is that weekend sleepovers ARE ok, I would say no to sleepovers full stop until it is a permanent, long established relationship.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 09/11/2013 22:06

YABU for the typo in your title. I thought this was going to be a thread about when relationships started. I was curious about how you were governing that... Grin

MrsOakenshield · 09/11/2013 22:11

I work with a 23-year-old woman who lives at home - her mum has only recently persuaded her dad that it would be OK for her to have a partner to sleep over if they were engaged - prior to this he was saying they had to be married! She's single and finds this all amusing - she also says that the last thing she would want to do is have sex in her parents' house, with them there!

I think you are being perfectly reasonable and if DSS doesn't like it, now could be the moment for him to think about getting his own place. Pity your DH isn't on side.

Original poster
msjasonbourne · 09/11/2013 22:15

Dss is 18 so I think it's in unfair to tell him no sleepovers, it's easier having someone else in the house on the weekend.

I have tried to explain that it would be better if they were in an established relationship but dss & dh are bemused by this. Dss says he wouldn't be bringing home random girls he's meet in the pub which is good.

OP posts:
Strumpetron · 09/11/2013 22:16

I went out with a 30 year old man, I was 19 at the time. He lived with his parents.

I don't judge people on things like that so just went with it. i fell asleep watching a film in his bed, his mum woke me up and told me to go into the spare room or go home. at 3am Grin we didn't last long because he ended up being a right weirdo.

Strumpetron · 09/11/2013 22:16

I have tried to explain that it would be better if they were in an established relationship but dss & dh are bemused by this

I think you've been reasonable OP but this bit I don't agree with - what do you class as an established relationship?

IcanBe · 09/11/2013 22:18

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable OP.

I agree with the others who say, your house, your rules ... you need to set some boundaries to make sure that your needs are met too.

Original poster
msjasonbourne · 09/11/2013 22:22

I only just noticed the typo, I previewed it too.

When I was 18 I wasn't comfortable kissing my boyfriend on my parent's front step never mind having sex in the next room so it's interesting to see how unembarrassed dss is about it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
msjasonbourne · 09/11/2013 22:33

I was thinking an established relationship was one where they gone out regularly, we'd eaten a few meals together at the kitchen table.

A bit more than a sunday evening visit, a tuesday afternoon visit and a sleepover on wednesday night.

OP posts:
Strumpetron · 09/11/2013 22:35

But surely it's their relationship that should be established, not one with you and the rest of the family.

I get what you're saying, but its your DSS she wants to spend time with

Chewbecca · 09/11/2013 22:38

Hmm, I was thinking dating for 6 months = established relationship. Maybe I am being old fashioned!
I don't think being 18 means he can do what he wants in your house, only having your own home allows you that right in my view.

ravenAK · 09/11/2013 22:44

I think it's for you & dh to agree on the ground rules, as you're the adult householders.

If you don't agree, the one who is uncomfortable about having a sleepover guest should get to exercise their veto.

It's going to be an increasing problem I think as young adults get poorer - not as if an 18yo DSS can just find his own place these days! - but I still don't see it as unreasonable to have the ground rules as set out in the OP: ie. steady gf allowed to stay over at weekends.

You need to thrash it out with dh & present a united front re: what you, as the householders, find acceptable.

Jengnr · 09/11/2013 22:47

It sounds like you're uncomfortable with them sleeping together but know that's pretty unreasonable so you're making up rules that you don't really understand. Which, is up to you but isn't really very reasonable.

*if she's staying in his room and not being loud what difference does it make to your weekday getups?
*she's not 'sneaking around your house' she's staying with your stepson.

What difference does whether their relationship is 'established' make? And what makes an established relationship?

ImperialBlether · 09/11/2013 22:58

Just out of interest, OP, what time does your DH go to bed? Are you the only one who wants to sleep early?

I know what you mean about not wanting weekday sleepovers. I found it hard to relax when my (now adult) children had friends to stay. I think it was because I knew I'd be woken by them going downstairs or in the bathroom. If there wasn't anyone else there, I mean no visitors, then I could sleep really well.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/11/2013 23:15

Jengnr, having been through something similar with ds1, I can assure you it wasn't about them shagging. It was about her "status"; honoured guest (in which case I felt I should be tidying up more, nagging ds about the state of his bedsheets etc) or just routine visitor (in which case I felt she should contribute to the household in some way.)

In My Day, we moved out in our teens and shagging in the parental home wasn't an issue. Now, that's less likely to happen, so more of this shit happens. As it has turned out, ds and I no longer speak, it got so bad.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 09/11/2013 23:28

Can't believe some of these replies! YANBU.

It's not just a case of 'if they are being quiet, it's not disturbing you' - It's about feeling comfortable in your own home. If you don't feel 100% happy, your husband should be supporting you. DSS is 18 not 28.

When I was living at home after uni, I would ask my parents politely if I could have my boyfriend stay and if they said it wasn't practical I respected that. He mostly only stayed at weekends. I didn't like it, but I wasn't paying rent, therefore it wasn't my decision to make and I was well aware of that!

And btw their decision didn't alienate me or the boyfriend (now husband) in any way, I am not scarred for life Hmm

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 09/11/2013 23:31

"She's not 'sneaking around your house' she's staying with your stepson."

jengnr, true, the girlfriend is staying with her stepson... in OP's house. Her stepson doesn't make the rules until he owns his own home.