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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say girlfriends can only start on the weekend?

69 replies

msjasonbourne · 09/11/2013 19:39

DsS has new girlfriend who I have met only twice, both times she said hello then disappeared into DSS bedroom. The second time she stayed over, supposedly in the spare room but mainly in DSs room. I'm not very comfortable with this, although DH thinks it ok.
Anyway I said to DSs that visitors were welcome but could stay over only at weekends and I'd prefer if he was in an established relationship. I'm the only worker in the household at the moment, DH is long term sick and DSS is off for next 3 months following an accident.
DSS is 18.5 so adult, I realise that, but it's more about the stranger in the house and short length of the relationship .DSS can't remember how long he's been seeing her.
Anyway I thought we all were in agreement but today, only 2 days after that conversation, DSS asked if gf could stay Sunday night. So I said no, dh and dss had a proper go at me and we had a big row, which ended withl me throwing a bag of parsnips at DSS as he keft the house.
DH has only just found out that DSS has been a regular weedsmoker for 4 years so tied up in the row is my irritation that dss has treated dh like a mug over that time and dh is still letting him do as he pleases with no thought for anyone else.
I know I shouldn't have thrown the parsnips but am I being unreasonable? I've not said no sleepovers, just put restrictions in place.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/11/2013 00:22

Why should the OP allow her home to be turned into her stepson's shag-pad?

So what if he wants to sleep with his girlfriend? They can go to her house. Or the back of a car. Or a hotel. Or he can move out and get his own place.

And I agree that her husband's craven attitude is the problem - it has certainly given her stepson a sense of entitlement.

Strumpetron · 10/11/2013 00:29

So having your girlfriend back constitues as a shag pad now then.

I've had a few shag pads in my time it would seem.

RedToothBrush · 10/11/2013 00:42

I hope the son respects the rules, by letting his gf stay as late as possible within the rules, shagging loudly in the middle of the afternoon at weekends and in the evenings on weeknights, and then walking gf home at 1am banging doors, returning 20 mins later banging doors again.

Or ringing up up after getting arrested for shagging in the back of the car in a public place.

Trying to control the situation, ain't going to solve the problem.

ImperialBlether · 10/11/2013 18:34

I don't understand you, RedToothbrush. Is that what you really hope for?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 10/11/2013 18:54

If my 18yo, unemployed, weedsmoking son carried on in that manner, it would be no later than 2am when his arse found itself on my doorstep.

What a ridiculous suggestion.

LynetteScavo · 10/11/2013 19:03

YANBU

It's your house, and therefore even if your DS/S is 50yo, you still get final say to stay who stays over..

bakingaddict · 10/11/2013 19:18

It seems like you have issues with your DSS that perhaps go beyond weed smoking and having his GF over. Try to rectify the situation in an amicable way that treats everybody with respect, because hey that's what adults do with each other. Throwing up that you are the only person working in the household and that you feel it's your DH and DSS against you makes me think you have marital issues.

fluffyraggies · 10/11/2013 19:18

But surely it's their relationship that should be established, not one with you and the rest of the family.

I get what you're saying, but its your DSS she wants to spend time with.

Stumpeton.

I agree with this

As an 18 year old i didn't want to be getting all cozy with the parents of the blokes i slept with. No way.

However ... if one of those BFs was unemployed and a weed smoker - then i wouldn't have been surprised to find there was no welcome for me in his mum's house.

OP if you don't like the idea of him having sex with his GFs in your house or just don't think he deserves that privilege due to his lifestyle you should be honest about it. And fair enough.

Just don't turn it into something about you and the GF bonding soemhow first. That's daft. She's not interested in you.

Strumpetron · 10/11/2013 19:20

Agree 100% with fluffy

nooka · 10/11/2013 19:23

I think its perfectly reasonable that the OP doesn't want people she doesn't know in her house overnight on a regular basis, and that it's very cheeky of her dss not to think that it might be a problem.

It's not as if her rules are particularly unreasonable, he doesn't need to sleep with his new girlfriend every night does he? He is a dependent at home, and he needs to ask if it's OK, and being told 'no, not tonight' should be the end of it.

A long term girlfriend is different because then she is more one of the family, someone the OP actually knows and can talk to directly.

nooka · 10/11/2013 19:26

When I was 19 and going out with dh-to be I didn't just assume that his family would be OK with me being there at any time, and neither did he with my family. I think that would have been very rude. It wasn't just his home after all, and me being there did have an impact on everyone else in the household.

Preciousbane · 10/11/2013 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrendelsMum · 10/11/2013 19:38

I think that it would be reasonable just to sit down with your DSS (and his girlfriend, perhaps) and explain what you've said here - that you're under a lot of pressure with your DH sick, you're the only wage earner, that having another mouth to feed in the house is an extra expense, and that actually you want to limit having a guest to two nights in the week. But that you're keen to get to know his girlfriend, and so she's very welcome to come and have supper and stay the night with you twice a week.

Your DSS is 18, so he may still feel that you're being unreasonable, but you will have been straight up with him.

cjel · 10/11/2013 19:57

I wouldn't care whether my dcs thought I was unreasonable or not. My house my rules!! I don't think it did them any harm to know my rules. They were both happy with living there. My DS only just left home at 29 so it couldn't have been that bad. And my dd her husband and 2 dgs lived with us for a while between homes as well.

I also don't think that 'its their home as well' is a good enough reason for me to be unhappy in my home. What if they wanted to smoke heroin in my house or never wash up or never cleared old food from their rooms, should let them because otherwise they wouldn't feel at home. There comes a time in every young persons life when they outgrow 'home' thats life.
Don't be pushed into living in a way that will give you more stress.

TheCrackFoxFucker · 10/11/2013 20:16

Can't he go and stay over at her house?

Maybe stepson needs to get his life in gear and move out?

RussianBlu · 10/11/2013 23:26

Not helpful at all, but I have a bag of parsnips sitting in the fridge. Now I know what I could use them for. On a serious note, I wouldn't be letting anyone stay over!

xCupidStuntx · 10/11/2013 23:33

I think you're being very reasonable actually

FunInTheSunD · 10/11/2013 23:52

I've just had a similar conversation with my 17 year old DD who wants her new boyfriend to stay over... and I've said no, not until we get to know him and I feel comfortable in his presence because

unfortunately we don't have a west wing, she's in the next room and I don't want to hear them talking all night, which inevitably they will.
I don't want a succession of different men coming and going 3. I want to feel comfortable getting up and going to the loo in the night and not meeting him whist wearing my negligee or old nighty
I understand they're in lust and want to be together but it doesn't have to mean all night...
its my house and my rules... if they don't like it they can go to his... which they do
and loads more reasons that I'm too tired to think about...

OP its your familys home and I think you have been reasonable and compromised by letting her stay at the weekends... don't be forced into anything your not comfortable with...
How long have you all lived together by the way and is he in a financial position to move out any time soon?

volvocowgirl · 11/11/2013 00:03

Me and my OH both lived at our own parents for a few years when we got together (helped to save for our house deposit) and his parents had the only sleep over at weekends rule. It meant no arguing / queuing for bathroom when we all had to be up and no one keeping people who did have to be up late with noise when they didn't themselves. My parents worked shifts so we'd sometimes stay at mine in the week, work hours permitting.
I didn't feel unwanted and it made sense and was the fairest thing to do.
I also contributed whist there - getting food in, washing powder, toilet roll, etc. as I didn't think my in-laws needed to bankroll me, even for two nights a week.
YADNBU!

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