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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is BU, him or me?

61 replies

Dollslikeyouandme · 08/11/2013 20:19

There's a bit of a back story here.

I've been with my 'd'p 4 coming up to 5 years. He has his own place, I have mine. I have 5 year old ds from previous relationship. Started going out when ds was about 10 months.

P has got form for falling out with me and saying that he's not happy. I used to try to resolve things even when I felt that he was in the wrong. Never worked, infact he seemed to just used this to his advantage that I was 'desperate' to sort it out. Now I just say, fine, noones holding a gun to your head to be with me. Seems to have worked and he doesn't do it so much now.

Biggie is he won't commit, when I say he won't, he says he will and is, but we don't live together, not married, he doesn't want more kids.

To show his 'commitment' he's started staying over 6 nights a week instead of once on the week and at the weekend. Potentially putting me at risk of benefit fraud as I claim working tax credits as top up to my salary. And even though we aren't living together, (he owns his own house, has his own bills), I'm sure it wouldn't look good and I wouldn't even want to be in the situation of having to answer the questions. But, he's supposed to be moving in any time soon and I didn't want to rock the boat, so I've been letting it go.

For a while my house has been a bit of a tip as I haven't been keeping on top of it, I'm the only one who really does anything in the house and I'd sort of given up, over half term I did a big clean and got most of it lovely and clean and tidy. I don't expect a spotless house, but it needed doing. All week I cooked ds and dp lovely from scratch meals and made cakes, at the weekend (last weekend) I asked p to help me to have a quick tidy up Saturday morning, to keep on top of it, he said he'd hoover the stairs which was great, he did this while I did some washing and gave the skirting boards upstairs a quick wipe and we both did ds room, spent about 30 minutes in all tidying before we all went out. Sunday I cooked a roast and asked p to wash up while I bathed ds. And Monday we were both off work so after a day in town he helped me to put some washing away in my room. I hoovered the living room and p said I was 'mad'.

He was supposed to be coming over to stay Wednesday, I get a text at 4.00pm just saying 'not coming tonight'. His reasons he were he was tired and finished work late and his clothes got wet at work (he has clothes here), and this was all said to me in a horrible tone of voice on the phone before he hung up on me. This annoyed me only because if he's moving in soon, will he not come home because he's tired and wet?

I left it at that, but heard nothing from him all night, or all day Thursday. He did text Thursday night saying he's sorry and had a lot on at work and that I don't deserve this.

I've sort of had enough of the moods and the silent treatment, I haven't even bothered trying to ring him to sort it out as he doesn't answer the phone when he's in one of his moods.

Forward to tonight and he's text to say that he's sorry for being funny he just has a lot on his mind. I asked to know what on earth's going on, and his response was. He's unhappy with me being clean and dragging him into it, he's annoyed with me as on Monday we went into town for lunch (I paid for this lunch, although he did buy me a coffee and a top) but I moaned as Nando's sat us on a table with someones leftovers, we left and went to pizza hut and I moaned that they took half an hour to take payment. In my defence I never moan about eating out and I'm never usually fussy so moaning was a one off for me. Same with the cleaning, I almost never ask him to do anything.

Am I being so unreasonable asking a grown man who's practically sharing my home to spend one hour over 3 days helping me to tidy up?

Oh and what really got my back up is ds had parents evening last night, he had a lovely report and when I told p he didn't even acknowledge this. We also promised to take ds bowling tomorrow and he seems to have forgotten or not give a shit about that either.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/11/2013 20:23

Doesn't sound like a very loving and supportive relationship to me. Think you'd be wise to tell him to shove off and not bother with the moving in bit...

CwtchesAndCuddles · 08/11/2013 20:26

Why do you want him to move in...............????

Pinupgirl · 08/11/2013 20:26

Sorry but he is not your partner,he is a boyfriend and I fear he will string you along for another few years and then find a new model. Time for a serious chat about when he is moving in-do not accept vague promises-or dump him and move on. I know what I vote for.

Bogeyface · 08/11/2013 20:27

Dump him.

Doesnt want to commit, thinks that cleaning is beneath him, plays stupid childish mind games and acts like a spoilt toddler.

If he is like this now, can you imagine what he will be like if he moves in?

Not. worth. it.

Donkeyok · 08/11/2013 20:27

I think its good you found out his commitment before you end up doing everything for the next 20 years. Don't let him move in until he has a good track record of sharing equally.

KerwhizzedMyself · 08/11/2013 20:28

I think this relationship might have run its course. As an aside, I know from when I looked into it, having someone stay over even once or twice a week still puts you at risk of being accused of benefit fraud. Six days a week just makes it more of a risk.

DontmindifIdo · 08/11/2013 20:30

Dump him. You want a committed relationship with a partner who shares your life and responsibilities of life. He wants someone he dates. That's not going to work.

SanityClause · 08/11/2013 20:32

So, when he moves in, whose job will the cleaning be? Does his place need much cleaning, when he's at yours all week? So, he has none to do at his, and begrudges doing any at yours.

And the sulkiness and silent treatment?

Big red flags are flying.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 08/11/2013 20:35

OP, read what you've written there as though you were a total stranger reading about someone else's life.

I've done that and I can't imagine why you give him houseroom. He sounds like he's using you for his convenience and giving absolutely nothing back to you in return.

By the way, you are not too clean, his standards are way too low.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, you did ask.

Dollslikeyouandme · 08/11/2013 20:37

I did text (he won't answer phone), and I said I've had enough, he's clearly not happy, and when would he like to collect his stuff. He responded that he doesn't want to break up just hasn't had a rest and can't take me moaning about him for being messy. He's got a damn cheek, I'm not moaner about mess, I'm rather lazy and messy myself, I've just been trying to keep on top of the basics so that we all have a clean tidy house to enjoy and can actually find a clean cup when we want a drink. I don't want to run him into the ground but this is a man who stood once and peeled a potato onto the floor.

Kerwhizzed, I am concerned about benefit fraud. I've looked into it but it's a grey area. I think before I wasn't too worried as the way I saw it, you can't just move a boyfriend in, and he does have his own house, but because we've been together so long now I think I'd just look bad. But what can I do? I can't force him to move in, but I can't say he's living here, as he's not, and isn't contributing anything financially here.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 08/11/2013 20:37

You have big red flags staring at you. These issues will not disappear when you are living together and if it's a problem now it's just a matter of time you separating once he's moved in.
Seriously if you do decide to stick it out, you will have yourself to blame as he is making it blatantly clear of what to expect down the line. A good relationship is not this much hard work.

Nagoo · 08/11/2013 20:38

Keep your own house, your own space, get some distance and spend some time working out what you want. I don't think that you want this on a full term basis, surely?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 08/11/2013 20:41

Do not let him move in.

He is sick of you being clean? Wtf? So he wants to date a pig?

If you dump him you might miss him for a few weeks. And then you will wonder why the hell you ever put up with his drama.

puntasticusername · 08/11/2013 20:41

I think he's just not that into you. Sorry. And the way you've described him, he doesn't sound like a particularly amazing catch anyway.

With the clarity imposed by being a distant Internet stranger with no emotional investment in your relationship, I can confidently advise you to move on Wink

Dollslikeyouandme · 08/11/2013 20:43

I guess so. It's just that he makes me feel as though I'm in the wrong. He tells me his dad doesn't have to do anything around the house as his mum enjoys doing it all. He says if I want it clean I can but shouldn't involve him.

I don't mind doing the lions share, it's my house, I work less hours, but at the weekend I don't see the problem in doing it together to get it into a reasonable standard.

I'm not sure why I'm still with him really, I did love him, now I'm not sure, I'm a bit scared to lose the company, the nice bits. But I could live without the moods and the silent treatment.

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 08/11/2013 20:47

You need to make a decision, here. He's just being an arse - you tried to give him an out with your text, as you were reading his signals. He has just come back all oh no ... I want to be with you but not have to do any work for it. The word that is occassionally used is cocklodger, I believe?

You need to make the decision and regain control here if that's what you want. I don't want you to move in til we resolve this/don't want to be with you/you need to contribute financially if we move in, as well as with the cleaning etc/ .... I get the feeling he'll always just be passive agressive about it all.

Dollslikeyouandme · 08/11/2013 20:49

I don't think he wants to date a pig, I think he would like it if I magically did it all while he has a nap or something but still find time to give him the attention that he wants. He admits he's messy and lazy, I don't mind, I'm messy and lazy, but I just want a basic standard of cleanliness, and to be able to see my floor.

OP posts:
Dollslikeyouandme · 08/11/2013 20:56

Traviltotravel, he definitely doesn't want out, I've tried, but he hounds me until I give in and take him back. I've said that I don't want to see him until he's prepared to move in properly. He had one of these strops a few weeks back, and I said enough was enough, tried to end it, and then he rang me in bits because he'd had a £900 gas bill. I couldn't understand how as he's never at his home. And I felt so bad for him as he never sorts these things out, so I tried to help him to sort it out, check his usage against mine, rang British Gas to arrange something to check his meter, arranged him to be switched to a cheaper tarif. Then he was back in.

I'm not sure that he'll ever be reasonable about sharing household chores. He pretends to be ok with it at the time, or sticks his lip out but still does it, then he has a major strop about it and how hard done by he is at a later date, usually when he's so tired.

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 08/11/2013 20:58

Men who want women to do all the housework are still quite common.

That doesn't mean we have to settle for it or live with them.

You need to ask yourself what you are really getting from this relationship. A bit of company, yes, but is that it? Is it worth all the shit you are having to put up with?

SanityClause · 08/11/2013 21:00

Of course he doesn't want to break up. He's getting home cooking, and all the cleaning done, sex (I assume) and he doesn't contribute financially.

You are getting the raw deal, here, not him.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 08/11/2013 21:02

I've tried, but he hounds me until I give in and take him back.

You know how people say that when parenting toddlers you must be firm and stick to your decision no matter how bad the tantrum? Well, once you are finally ready to let go you will be able to hold out.

Its hard, I have been there, 3 months of constant texts and phonecalls from my ex. But I was done, and he finally got it. The only reason I couldn't change my number is because we have a child together.

Thisvehicleisreversing · 08/11/2013 21:02

He most definitely does not sound worth it.

Sack him off.

KerwhizzedMyself · 08/11/2013 21:03

This is insanity! You don't want to see him until he moves in properly?! Why do people settle for this :/

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 08/11/2013 21:05

He is having his cake, eating it and making you feel bad while he does that
He says if I want it clean I can but shouldn't involve him
Bloody big of him.

I'm struggling to see the upsides of this relationship to be honest.

Dollslikeyouandme · 08/11/2013 21:06

I said that before, I said I wanted to end it as felt that there was no future. He gave me his sob story about how tough life is for him (it's really not), and I said to get in touch when he was prepared to make a true commitment. That was when he got round me with the gas bill.

I think I just need to be certain that there's no hope, then end it and be strong enough to stick it out.

OP posts: